Funniest Fails Ever!
The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your wife’s not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She’s a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He’s involved with the women next door.
Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You’re in them.
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: You give the “birds and bees” talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It’s another man.
Ugly: He’s your best friend.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
Deep Observations On Life
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather–who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” –Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.” –Author Unknown
3) “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”–Drew Carey
4) “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”–Jeff Foxworthy
5) “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’”–Paula Poundstone
6) “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness…. I could be eating as low learner.”–Lynda Montgomery
7) “If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”–Johnny Carson
8) “Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”–Paul Rodriguez
9) “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.”–Jerry Seinfeld.
10) “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”–Warren Hutcherson
11) “Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress… But I repeat myself.”–Mark Twain
12) “Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.”–A. Whitney Brown
13) Do you know why they call it “PMS”? Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.–Unknown, presumed deceased!!
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know”, said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?
“OK”. she said. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
The stranger thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
“Then how do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know Shit?”
One of the hardest things in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn.
Actual Bumper Stickers
• I need someone really bad… are you really bad?
• I don’t care, I don’t have to.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
• I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
• Horn broken, watch for finger.
• All men are idiots … I married their king.
• My kid knocked up your honor student.
• Earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later.
• This isn’t burger king, you can’t have it your way.
• How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
• If something goes without saying, LET IT!
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
• Help wanted for telepath: you know where to apply
• Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
• IRS We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
• Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
• I’m just driving this way to piss you off.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
Horror Movie Wisdom
1. When it seems that you’ve killed the monster, never check to see if it’s really dead.
2. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.
3. Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: it’s unlikely they’ll die easy, so be prepared.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, never go alone.
6. If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
7. If you’re running from the monster, you will most likely trip or fall. If you are female you will.
8. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine, especially if it is called Derry.
9. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
10. When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you’ll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.
11. People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don’t rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.
12. Do not call the police as they are either evil and will turn you in or will not believe you and laugh at you. Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.
13. If you are using a gun to combat the all-consuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you’ll run out just before you kill the monster (unless your name is Ash, in which case, you’ll never have to reload).
14. If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.
15. Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.
16. If you are a child, don’t panic! Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!
17. If you’ve beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you’re sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember burn, eat, blow up or otherwise utterly destroy him.
Economic Stimulus Q & A
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
Definition Of Words By Gender
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car’s hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
Male: What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.
I Like Your Thinking
A teacher asks her class, ”If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”
She calls on little Johnny.
”None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, ”The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then Little Johnny says, ”I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ”Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”
”The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on… but I like your thinking.”
Signs On Synagogue Bulletin Boards:
1. Under same management for over 5,769 years.
2. Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.
3. What part of “Thou shalt not” don’t you understand?
4 . Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: “The future of the Jewish people is in your hands.”
6. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
7. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
8. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. “Would you like dinner?, “the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. “What are my choices?,” Moshe asked. “Yes or no,” she replied.
9. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, “Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?” Gevarter replies, “I make a nice living….”
10. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: “shmuck.” At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name .. and forgot to write a letter. ”
11. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow “oy.”
The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow “oy.”
The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, “Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to talk about our children.”
12. And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, “Is anything all right?
The Official Male Code Of Conduct
1. Thou shall not rent the movie chocolate.
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally beaten and killed by his fellow party-goers.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
6. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
7. The maximum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
8. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable
9. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional.
10. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
11. Before dating a buddy’s ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.
12. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and, more importantly, the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
13. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem-you didn’t see nothin’.