Robin Willims On Golf
Anti Valentines Day Jokes
1. What do single people call Valentine’s Day? Happy Independence Day
2. What’s a queen without her king? Well, historically speaking, more powerful.
3. My boyfriend is so handsome, looking all invisible and sh**.
4. The best thing about being a single woman is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that bed of yours. Left. Right. Middle.
5. “I won’t cry for you. My mascara is too expensive.” — Adriana Lima
6. I was asked what I look for in a relationship…apparently “a way out” wasn’t the right answer.
7. Getting into a relationship may seem like a good idea but so was getting on the Titanic and look what happened there.
8. “I think, therefore I’m single.” — Liz Winston
9. “Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to reflect on all your horrible dating choices since last Valentine’s Day.” — Some ecards
10. “Can’t wait to spend Valentine’s Day with my boyfriends… Ben & Jerry.” — Unknown
11. “Everyone has a knight in shining armor, mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.” – Unknown
12. Roses are red, violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentines Day, the side chick is you!
13. “I’m single because I was born that way.” — Mae West
14. “This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something.” — Elizabeth Gilbert
15. Relationships are like Yard Sales; They look good from a distance, but up close it’s just a bunch of sh** you don’t need.
16. I’m going to spend Valentine’s Day with my ex Box 360.
17. 99% of my socks are single and you don’t see them crying about it.
18. I’m single because I don’t need anyone to ruin my life…I’m ruining it perfectly on my own.
19. “Instead of celebrating Valentine’s Day this year, I’m celebrating Discount Chocolate Tuesday.” — Unknown
20. “Being single is pretty good. It’s a nice sense of irresponsibility.” — Michael Douglas
21. “I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.” – Unknown
22. Our break up was due to religious differences. He thought he was god…I didn’t.
23. I can’t wait for Valentine’s Day because I get to make cupcakes for a special someone and that special someone is me.
24. Current relationship status: Made dinner for two…ate both.
25. “Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means you’re pretty sexy and you’re taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with.” — Sex and the City
I Just Added A New Section To My Living Will
I want a closed casket funeral.
However, towards the end of the service, please have the organist play “Pop goes the weasel” over and over until everyone in attendance is staring at my coffin with silent, horrified anticipation.
The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
Even Doctors Have Brain Farts
Feeling ill, my supervisor went to a nearby doctor, who ordered an EKG. Upon reading the results, the doctor declared that my boss was suffering a cardiac arrest and called an ambulance to whisk him off to the hospital.
There, doctors performed their own tests. But those came back negative.
After some quick sleuthing, the problem was solved: The first doctor had read the EKG upside down.
Just Some Fun Stuff
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. I smile because I don’t know what the heck is going on.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
24. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
25. Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
26. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
27. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
Questions Men Fear
The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.” This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”
Question 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.” Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Lotus and a Boat”). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not – don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed.
WOMAN: – - – silence – - -
Well Someone’s Got To Teach Her
A little girl came home from school and told her mother that she had just found out where babies come from.
Her mother said, “Oh really? Please do tell!”
The little girl said, “First, Daddy’s penis gets hard and then he puts it in Mommy’s mouth…”
Her mother interrupted her and said, “Oh no honey, that’s where jewelry comes from!”
“I can’t use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.”…….
“The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless.”
“All I’m looking for is a guy who’ll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed.”
“My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice.”
“Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a margarita.”
“The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.”
“The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.”
“To err is human; to forgive, highly unlikely.”
“Do you realize that in about forty years, we’ll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?”
(Now that’s scary!)
“Money can’t buy happiness–but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.”
“After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching somewhere…you may be dead.”
“If you woke up breathing congratulations! You have another chance.”
What Did They Say?
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.
2. Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”
4. Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”
5. Softball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”
6. Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.”
8. Soccer commentator: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”
9. Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my God, what have I just said?”
What Positions Were Those
He said – Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said – That’s a good idea… you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.