Best of John Belushi’s – Samurai Delicatessen – SNL ’75
A Message For The Anti-Vaccine Movement
Inspirational Phrases You Will Never Hear At Work
• There is no “I” in “teamwork.” But there is in “management kiss-up.”
• If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
• The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
• Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
• If you think we’re a bad company, you should see the competition.
• 2 days without a human rights violation.
• Your job is STILL better than asking, “You want fries with that?”
• Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
• If at first you don’t succeed, delegate it.
• Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work weekends for free.
Arizona Highway Patrolman
In Arizona a Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition. “What are you going to do with the money?” asked the Highway Patrolman.
“Well, I guess I’m going to get a driver’s license,” he answered.
“Oh, don’t listen to him,” yelled a woman in the passenger seat. “He’s a smart aleck when he’s drunk.”
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car.”
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, “Are we over the border yet?”
Guide To Women’s “English”
“Yes” = No
“No” = Yes
“Maybe” = No
“I’m sorry” = You’ll be sorry
“We need” = I want
“It’s your decision” = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
“Do what you want” = You’ll pay for this later.
“Sure, go ahead” = I don’t want you to.
“I’m not upset” = Of course I’m upset you moron.
“We need to talk” = I need to complain.
“You’re so manly” = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
“You’re certainly attentive tonight” = Is sex all you ever think about?
“Be romantic, turn out the lights” = I have flabby thighs
“This kitchen is so inconvenient” = I want a new house
“I want new curtains” = and new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper, etc…
“I heard a noise” = I noticed you were almost asleep
“Do you love me?” = I’m going to ask for something expensive
“How much do you love me?” = I did something today you’re really not going to like
“I’ll be ready in a minute” = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
“Is my butt fat?” = Tell me I’m beautiful
“You have to learn to communicate” = Just agree with me
“Was that the baby?” = Why don’t you get out of bed and rock him until he falls asleep
Answering the question, “What’s wrong?”
“…The same old thing” = Nothing
“…Everything” = My PMS is acting up
“…Nothing, really” = It’s just that you’re such a jerk
Darwin Awards – Ain’t That Gravity Something!
The Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it.
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use ‘boccy’ straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said.
Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped… and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
“The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,” Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was “major trauma.” An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
Hah Tu Spek Suthun:
Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we’re here to help…
BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”
JAWJUH – noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.”
MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts.”
ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”
FAR – noun. A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh doesn’t change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”
BAHS – noun. A supervisor.
Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!”
TAR – noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”
TIRE – noun. A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willing and the creeks don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”
RETARD – Verb. To stop working.
Usage: “My granpaw retard at age 65.”
RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.”
FARN – adjective. Not local.
Usage: “I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”
JU-HERE – a question.
Usage: “Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys’ coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?”
HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert.”
VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”
GUMMIT – Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Great … ANOTHER gummit shutdown!”
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place……smack his ass again!”
Insensitive Greeting Cards
1. You wrecked your car and don’t remember why.
Could have been….. That case of bud dry!
2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I stopped to look….
I noticed your cat.
3. Your computer is dead. It once was a first-rate. Don’t you regret buying…
4. Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be. Well don’t worry about her….
She moved in with me!
Would You Remarry
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question….
WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”
WIFE: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”
WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
HUSBAND: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE: “You would?” (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”
HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”
WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”
WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE: “Would you give her my jewelry?”
HUSBAND: “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
WIFE: “Would she use my golf clubs?”
HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”
WIFE: — silence –
I Always Wondered How That Started
Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. The only way to move things was by carrying or dragging. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food preparation area. It was exhausting work. The guys were getting tired just WATCHING. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had an idea. They could sit on the boulders and watch! This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television.
Your Know Your Getting Old When . . .
You’re getting old when you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn’t that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his Doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you’re into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
At my age, “getting a little action” means I don’t need to take a laxative.
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
You’re getting old when “getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
You’re getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.
You’re getting old when these one liners all seem familiar.