Porn Names (MADtv)
Realistic Valentine’s Day Cards
• Talk Nerdy to Me
• I’m not sick of you yet!
• I want to grow old and icky with you
• Happy day before half-priced candy day
• I love your stupid face
• You are pretty much my favorite husband
• There’s no one else I’d rather lay in bed and look at my phone with
• I’m so glad you settled for me
• I can’t believe how much I’m not sick of you
• I love your dad bod
• I love our boring life
• We are married so you kinda have to be my valentine
• If you knew how much I love you you’d call the cops
• The only thing I like more than you is Netflix.
• I love you so much that I’ve learned to tolerate your snoring.
• I’m so glad you are the father of my children because I need a break. I’ll be in the tub.
• You are the reason I get up in the morning. Just kidding. It’s the baby.
• What I feel for you is so much more than financial and familial obligation.
• You make me so happy when you do the dishes.
• I love you so much that I’m willing to let you think you were right.
• I never knew I could love someone this much which is good because you drive me positively insane.
• You’re just like bacon you make everything better.
• Lets get it on because I’d really like to watch 3 episodes before bed
• I love hating things with you
• Every day I fall more in love with you. Except on those days you really piss me off
• You’re such a weirdo, but your my weirdo
• I still tolerate you
• You stole my heart so now I steel the covers
• Thinking about you is like remembering I have ice cream in the freezer
• I’d put my phone down to hold your hand
Wine Without Whining
I’m going to do you a big favor. I’m going to free you from feelings of inadequacy that have been haunting you since sometime in your teens. I’m going to fill you in on the greatest scam ever perpetrated upon the consuming public. I’m going to tell you what I know about wine.
The bottom line is that wine tastes awful. It’s just grape juice gone south (forgive me, southerners). All the millions of poor slobs dutifully disguising the revolted pucker behind looks of thoughtful analysis, parroting gibberish of which they’ve no idea of the meaning, studying for hours so as not to be humiliated by menial restaurant employees once again, have fallen for a complex and insidious canard (see COLD DUCK). An “acquired taste” they call it. Well, you could acquire a taste for Ivory soap.
Herewith is a glossary of selected wine terms and what they really mean:
French for “Trust me”
A bad smell that comes from the grapes; See BOUQUET
Wine so awful that it isn’t worth aging.
A bad smell that’s added during processing; See NOSE
Describes a wine that sneaks up on you and stabs you in the back. Or a wine dealer. From the Latin, “Et tu, Brute”
CHATEAUNEUF DU PAPE
The pope’s new house was paid for by swindling buyers into paying the price for this wine.
Hurts your throat while swallowing.
Tastes like children’s cough medicine. See ROBUST
What well-born wine snobs talk.
The total effect of AROMA and BOUQUET; something you wish you could hold while drinking.
Tastes like cough medicine. See FRUITY
Many people mistakenly pronounce this to rhyme with Jose. A term for a pinkish wine, named for what an early commentator said his cheeks did when he tasted it.
Having the worst qualities of a single type of grape, rather than a mixture of sins.
How many years we’ve been trying to get rid of this rotgut.
How To Impress
How to impress a woman:
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
go to the ends of the earth for her….
How to impress a man:
Show up naked,
Redneck Driver’s Application
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.
Last name: ________________
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse’s Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
Lover’s Name: __________________________
2nd Lover’s Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother’s Name: _______________________
Father’s Name: _______________________
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters
___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don’t know
Fun Things To Do In An Elevator
1. Meow occasionally.
2. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
3. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
4. Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
5. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
6. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
7. Burp, and then say “mmmm…tasty!”
8. Leave a box between the doors.
9. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
10. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.
11. Start a sing-along.
12. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your phone?”
13. Play the harmonica.
14. Shadow box.
15. Say “Ding!” at each floor.
16. Lean against the button panel.
17. Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
18. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
19. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
20. Bring a chair along.
21. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
22. Blow spit bubbles.
23. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
24. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
25. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
True EMT Stories
While sitting around with some fellow paramedics, we started to collect the following true short line stories (mostly just some sayings – funny in the actual relation) and translated them into English – enjoy it
“Don’t panic. Leave it to us, we’re the professionals!” – Paramedic
“How did that happen??” – Paramedic (over 30 years old!) to pregnant women
“Do you have this regularly?” – Paramedic to traffic accident victim
“Sure he dies…in about 80 years…” – Paramedic to annoying bystander
“The dog really is fixed????” – A specific Paramedic’s regular initial first assessment question
“Dispatch, victim is a 5 year old female little boy….” – Paramedic
“He can wait, she can wait, she can wait…let’s wait, too” – RN in emergency dept. after several ambulances bringing broken legs at same time
“Dispatch, can’t receive you…please change location!!” – Anonymous Paramedic
“Dispatch, patient is unconscious, wishes to go to city hospital.” – Anonymous.
“Dispatch, there are 4 victims…oh, another one…hold it, there comes the next…6 victims…hm, well, let’s say 8.” – Paramedic at a very dynamic scene (finally we had 9 patients, partly hidden between bystanders)
“Hello, New York!!” – Paramedic arriving at above rather chaotic scene [after a tagline of one of the Ghostbusters arriving at a haunted building]
“Have you had that pulsing on your wrist ever before?” – Paramedic on taking a pulse…[after a tagline of Dr. Hawkeye Pierce of MASH (TV-Serial)]
“Ladder angle is thirty degrees, 25 minutes and 7 seconds local time” — Firefighter
“It’s only a test” – unknown Firefighter to a women, assuming she is just a bystander….only she was the owner of the burning house, just coming home.
“Well, here are the AV-blocks you requested” – silly EMT-student to teacher, dropping him a (heavy) couple of paper blocks on the desk…being fooled by his fellow class members.
“You have nothing to laugh, you’re the patient” – young EMT on his first run
“Dispatch, I’m spelling the name: Yankee, Oscar, Uniform, Alfa, Sierra, Sierra, Hotel, Oscar, Lima, Echo” – Paramedic after being fooled by a very incompetent dispatcher numerous times that day (he even wrote those letters completely down before understanding…).
“Ambulance from Police, be careful on scene, it’s rather icy – I just slipped and smashed straight on my face…” – police officer mumbling via radio, being more injured than the original patient.
“Oh, you’re spelling! And I thought that guy has so many names…” – dispatcher, requesting the patients name (in Germany, the alphabetical codes mostly are common fore-names).
“— ” (imagine open mouth) – Person called dispatch “My old father doesn’t say anything, I need a doctor” and hung up, then complained about the fast response team and an ambulance arriving with full lights and sirens (assuming a code). He, after first insulting the crew for over-reacting, immediately stopped complaining after he notified the EMS-helicopter approaching his house. The patient, an 80 year old man, said nothing for 3 days, because he didn’t want to talk to anyone…!
(BTW: we had a training with the full medical disaster response platoon near this house a week later…and we almost couldn’t resist to show up there with more than 50 people and 14 emergency vehicles…just to say hello
Physical exercise is good for you. We know that we should do it daily, but our bodies don’t want us to do too much, so here’s a program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.
01) Beating around the bush
02) Jumping to conclusions
03) Climbing the walls
04) Swallowing your pride
05) Passing the buck
06) Throwing your weight around
07) Dragging your heels
08) Pushing your luck
09) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Eating crow
17) Tooting your own horn
18) Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out all the stops
20) Adding fuel to the fire
21) Opening a can of worms
22) Putting your foot in your mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge
25) Picking up the pieces
Whew! That’s a workout!
Now sit down and
26) Exercise caution.
Just How Did My Boss Get His Job Anyway?
Just A Suggestion
I submitted a suggestion to my Boss that would save the company millions. After two weeks of silence, I went to my Boss to get his feedback. He said “Oh, I threw your suggestion away. Only managers can make suggestions.”
Our purchasing group was negotiating with a major paint supplier. Because of our volume of orders, we were in a strong position to negotiate. Finally, after two days of heated wrangling, we got the manufacturer to agree to a 35% discount.
As we were about to sign the contract, the President, who had not been a party to the negotiations, walked in and tore it up. He said “I’m going to teach you purchasing people how to play hardball. That’s the way you make it in this world.”
At that, he turned to the manufacturer’s representatives and said “We’ll give you 10% under your quoted price, take it or leave it. There are other suppliers out there.”
The supplier quickly leaped at the change. Turning to us as he left, the President said “I hope you learned something from that.”
I’m a web page designer for a university in Georgia. I was called by a prominent organization that we belong to and told that I had won first place for a design. The prize was going to be given to me at a banquet in California.
Immediately, I told my Boss that I wanted to go and accept the award. Without offering congratulations, he said that the budget was tight and that the university couldn’t afford to send me.
The following week my Boss went to accept the award for me. After seeing the award, he discovered that my name was engraved on it. He made the Committee re-issue the plague, blank. Now, my award hangs in his office.
Sorry You Asked
While working as an art director for a small magazine, I and my fellow employees were invited by our publisher to a meeting to ‘brainstorm’ about possible improvements.
As the meeting began and the words, “Anybody got any ideas?” left my Boss’s lips, there fell an awkward silence. I saw my opportunity to chime in with all the great ideas I had since my employment began 2 months prior, so I went for it.
My Boss and I got into a tremendous dialogue while my work mates remained silent. I felt I was really making a difference. After the meeting was over, every one of my fellow workers commended me on my obvious passionate desire for the success of our magazine and the great ideas I had shared. The following morning my Boss asked me to step into her office. I felt certain I was to be praised for my sure-fire plan for success. Instead, I was reamed for suggesting that our magazine was less than perfect. I was then told to apologize to everyone in the office for implying that they were less than competent professionals.
How Stupid Are They…
1. Invented a submarine with a screen door.
2. It’s hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.
3. Just another flash in the bedpan.
4. Keeps his imagination on a long leash.
5. Knitting with only one needle.
6. She has a Leaky sunroof.
7. Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants.
8. Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King.
9. Light bulb over his head is burned out.
10. Lights are on but nobody’s home.
11. Her little red choo-choo’s jumped the track.
12. Lives in La-la-land.
13. Lives in the same world, but a different universe.
14. Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
15. Looks for the “Any” key.
16. Lug nuts rattling in the hubcaps.
17. Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
18. Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good.
19. Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written.
20. Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.
Top Ten Reasons Why It’s Good To Be Canadian:
1. It beats being an American.
2. The only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. The only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1,000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. The only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. You can kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. The only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.