Awful Deathbed Confessions
George Carlin’s Funny Interview about His Wacky Health Problems: Johnny Carson 11/26/86
What Is A Cat?
1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They’re totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They’re moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They’re tiny little women in cheap fur coats.
Are You Sure You Know How To Do This?
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’
The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’
Five Stages Of Drunkenness
Stage 1 – SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 – RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 – INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I’m sick of her, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her,” and then hangs up.
The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.
She calls her father and yells, “You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?”
The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, “It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!”
Quotes From Bob Hope
You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Middle Age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
I’m so old they’ve cancelled my blood type.
I thought ‘Deep Throat’ was a movie about a giraffe.
I do benefits for all religions – I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
I love to go to Washington, if only to be nearer to my money.
If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor’s Orphanage – he shot both his parents and moved in.
I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything till noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap.
I must say the Senator’s victory in Wisconsin was a triumph for democracy. It proves that a millionaire has just as good a chance as anyone else.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
If I have to lay an egg for my country, I’ll do it.
Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.
Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning.
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar – I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.
For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever – so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23. My mind is like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2. Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other non-player must be in the bathroom at the time).
3. Ignore the first five people who say “good morning” to you.
4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye”.
5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, “Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!”
7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way.”
8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1. Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask “Did you get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it.”
3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4.Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a “non-player” within sight).
5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT OFFICE DARES
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Bob.”
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two.”
5. After every sentence, say “mon” in a really bad Jamaican accent, i.e., “the report’s on your desk, mon.” Keep this up for one hour.
6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce “As god is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”
9. In a colleague’s diary, write in 10am: “See how I look in tights?”
10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask “You wanna trade?”
11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it.”
13. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
14. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Tip Top Shape
A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, “You’re in terrific shape. There’s nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?”
The 60-year-old responded, “Did I say he was dead?”
The doctor was surprised and asked, “How old is he and is he very active?”
The 60-year-old responded, “Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer.”
The doctor couldn’t believe it. So, he asked, “Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?”
The 60-year-old responded again, “Did I say he was dead?”
The doctor was astonished. He said, “You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?”
The 60-year-old said, “He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that,” said the patient, “my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again.”
The doctor said, “At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?”
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, “Did I say he wanted to?”
If You’ve Been Online Too Much Some Of This May Sound Familiar
• You type faster than you think.
• You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
• You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.
• You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
• You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.
• People say, “If it weren’t for your super reflexes in your eyes & fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!”
• You dream in “text”.
• Being called a Newbie is a “MAJOR” insult.
• There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you’re really bored.
• You don’t want to leave in case you miss something.
• You double click your TV remote.
• You can now type over 70wpm.
• You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for IM junkies.
• You go into withdrawals during dinner.
• You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a chat room.
• You stop speaking in full sentences.
• You have to be pried from your computer by the “Jaws of Life”.
• You know what a “snert” is.
• You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to check your “mail” & while there you “just wanted to see who was online”.
Reasons It’s Great To Be A Guy:
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
- You can open all your own jars.
- Old friends don’t give a crap whether you’ve lost or gained weight.
- Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.
- When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
- You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
- You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
- Your last name stays put.
- You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
- None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
- Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
- Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
- You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking “He must be mad at me”.
- You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.
- Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
- You don’t care if someone’s talking about you behind your back.
- The remote control is yours and yours alone.
- People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
- If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your other friends you’ve changed.
- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.