The Alternative Constitution
Will Ferrell & Zach Galifianakis Debate Children
Rejection Lines (and what they actually mean…)
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given by Women
• I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in “Deliverance”)
• There’s a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one Jurassic geezer.)
• I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way
(You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes upon)
• My life is too complicate right now.
(I don’t want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing)
• I’ve got a boyfriend
(who’s really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben & Jerry’s)
• I don’t date men where I work
(Hey bud, I wouldn’t even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building)
• It’s not you, it’s me
(It’s not me, it’s you)
• I’m concentrating on my career
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
• I’m celibate.
(I’ve sworn off *only* the men like you.)
…..and the #1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)
Let’s be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with; it’s that ‘male perspective’ thing)
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given by Men
• I think of you as a sister
• There’s a slight difference in our ages
• I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way
• My life is too complicated right now.
• I’ve got a girlfriend
• I don’t date women where I work
• It’s not you, it’s me
• I’m concentrating on my career
• I’m celibate
…..and the #1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)
Let’s be Friends
(You’re SINFULLY ugly!)
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, “It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.”
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said, “It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof.”
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, “It is a vessel of fertiliser, and none may abide its strength.”
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”
And the Directors then went onto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, “It promotes growth and is very powerful.”
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, “This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company; with powerful effects.”
And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
This is How Shit Happens.
Tips For Handling Telemarketers
Three Little Words That Work!!!
(1) The three little words are: “Hold On, Please…”
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company’s “beep-beep-beep” tone, you know it’s time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a “real” sales person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!!
(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get “ads” enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these “ads” with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.
When you get those “pre-approved” letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage “IF” and when they receive them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.
One Of Andy Rooney’s (60 Minutes) Ideas
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn’t get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn’t on anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 37 cents.
The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let’s let them know what it’s like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they’re paying for it…Twice!
Let’s help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that’s why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!
If enough people follow these tips, it will work —- I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.
1. THE PRINTER SHREDDER: This simple device can be added on to any printer, and will shred any document the comes out of it.
2. FAKE MOUSE: a fake mouse runs in a wheel that is connected to your computer. as the mouse spins slower/faster, your screen will become darker/lighter “yeah. I just installed it. It really saves on power costs.”
3. AUTO BAD SPELLER: This program can take any document, randomly choose correctly spelled world and then spell them incorrectly.
4. TALKING COMPUTER: This simple program, when put on someone’s computer, whispers “psst! Hey Bob!” at random intervals.
5. SMOKER: This simple add on makes a monitor smoke. The amount of smoke will increase with the length of time the computer is used.
6. RANDOM ERROR: When installed, this will generate insensible error messages extremely often, no matter what they are doing at the time.
7. TRACER: This program will generate messages such as “you have been traced trying to hack into the Pentagon’s secret files. The SWAT team has been dispatched and will arrive shortly. They have been advised to shoot to kill.” while the person is working on the internet.
8.) COMPUTER BOMB: Fake computer bomb. When the victim turns his computer on, his screen will be filled with the message: “WARNING computer bomb has been detected in system. It will be activated in ten seconds. Please enter deactivation code.” after ten seconds the computer will turn itself off and refuse to come on again until the next day.
9. CD LASER: This is just like an ordinary CD-ROM except in one respect. Its laser is higher powered, so when the computer reads CD it erases all the information from it.
10. WINDOWS 10: This is the most evil one yet. It has random and insensible error messages, it has no storage system, it is impossible to understand, and is generally a complete disaster. In short, it is no different from the real thing.
Guide To Fucking Grammar
PLEASE FUCKING PAY ATTENTION.
They’re = they fucking are.
Their = shows fucking possession.
There = specifies a fucking location.
You’re = you fucking are.
Your = shows fucking possession.
We’re = we fucking are.
Were = past fucking tense of “are”.
Where = specifies a fucking location.
Than = a fucking comparison.
Then = a fucking point in time.
To = where it’s fucking going.
Too = an excessive fucking amount.
Two = a fucking number.
It’s = it fucking is.
Its = shows fucking possession.
Now you fucking know, so get it fucking right!
Things You’d Love To Say Out Loud At Work
1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of crap.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.
10. Ahhh… I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
Arkansas Drivers License Application
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.
Last name: ________________
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Billy-Joe [_] Billy-Ray [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bubba
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Janitor [_] Still Operator [_] Un-employed
Spouse’s Name: ______________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
Girlfriend’s Name: _______________________________
2nd Girlfriend’s Name: ____________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Mother [_] Cousin [_] Daughter [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mama’s Name: ____________________
Daddy’s Name: ____________________
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) If you obtained a higher education what was your major? [_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)
Where do you keep your firearms:
____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse ____ shed ____ pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup: 194_ 195_ 196_ 197_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Guns and Ammo [_] Bassmasters
___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco or snuff you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal [_] Levi-Garrett [_] Copenhagen [_] Days Work [_] Garrett Sweet Snuff [_] Cannon Ball
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don’t know
Quotes About Children
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Kids. They’re not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.
The trouble with children is that they’re not returnable.
There are only two things a child will share willingly — communicable diseases and his mother’s age.
I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
ABC’s Of Ex-Girlfriends
is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn’t care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
is for Call ya later. She won’t. She never has before.
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said “I’m not hungry” so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn’t Jim have a nice car? Doesn’t Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
stands for Kill.
is for Love. It’s a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
stands for Mephistopheles. That is who she worked for.
stands for Necrophilia. She didn’t move very much, did she?
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now suing you for thousands of dollars a month.
is for Quitter. She couldn’t last.
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
stands for Suffer. That’s what she made me do.
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.
is for Voluptuous. That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place.
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled “QUICK! They’re home!”
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won’t get any for a week.
True Or False
Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?
The answers are below.
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it’s from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in “An Officer and a Gentleman” and “Tootsie.”
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren’t added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
They are all TRUE … Now go back and think about #16!!!