Friday Fun Stuff – 10-31-25

Will You Help Me Pick A Halloween Costume?

Martha Stewart on Halloween – SNL

Halloween Quotes

I learned something the other day. I learned that Jehovah’s Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don’t like strangers going up to their door and annoying them.
- Bruce Clark

Last Halloween was bad for me. I got beat up. I went to a party dressed as a piñata.
- Jim Samuels

I love Halloween. It’s the only night of the year I can wear a wedding dress without looking desperate.
- Adam ‏@AdamofAlbion

Hair stylist: Gonna wear a costume for Halloween? Me: (Looking at my new haircut in the mirror) Probably something with a hood.
- John Lyon ‏@JohnLyonTweets

These masked trick-or-treaters must be confused. They’re a day early, came in the back door, passed up the candy & took the big screen TV.
Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

I like to get my candy early for Halloween so I have plenty of time to buy more when I eat the first bag.
- Molly ‏@SleepingSuspect

If I’m lazy and I can’t come up with a costume, I would just wear a slip and write ‘Freudian’ on it.
- Julia Stiles

If you’re in Alabama, don’t dress up as a nun, priest or rabbi for Halloween. Impersonating “a minister of any religion” is punishable by fine or jail.
- Nina Vizcarrondo, in Time

When I was 12, I went as my mother for Halloween. I put on a pair of heels, went door to door, and criticized what everyone else was wearing.
- Robin Bach

I awaken in the Halloween aftermath. Bed covered in candy wrappers. Looking down at my chocolate smeared hands I whisper, “What have I done?”
- Reverend Scott ‏@Reverend_Scott

It’s that wonderful time of year again when the spiderwebs I’ve been too lazy to clean become functional decorations.
- Andy H. ‏@AndyAsAdjective

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is. Scaring men is easy.
- Donna Macabre ‏@Donna_McCoy

Instead of buying a Halloween costume it was cheaper just to get a haircut at Great Clips.
- Northside Hombre ‏@Northside_Mike

Got home, opened the bedroom closet door and a naked guy shrieked at me. Wow, my wife has some pretty crazy Halloween pranks up her sleeve.
- Brian Hope ‏@Brianhopecomedy

A Fargo woman will give overweight trick-or-treaters warning letters, not candy. In other news, a woman’s house will be egged by fat kids.
- Julius Sharpe ‏@juliussharpe

Honey. I didn’t *lose* our kid on Halloween, he just went as the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle and I can’t know exactly where he is.
- Earthman Adam ‏@AdamOfEarth

When I was a kid my parents always sent me out as a tramp: high-heel shoes, fishnet stockings…
- David Letterman

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour.
- Terry F @daemonic3

Boss: “I thought I said no costumes this week.”
Me: “These are my clothes.”
- Just Bill @WilliamAder

I put a box of Halloween candy on the top shelf of our cupboard and then watched my 3 year old become an architect.
- Brian Hope ‏@Brianhopecomedy

Aren’t we clever, making the kids go door to door collecting candy for us?
- snowjob ‏@canadasandra

Be sure to remember when Halloween is. Answering the door when you’re three-quarters crocked and finding a pack of midget H-Men, Masters of the Universes on the front porch can be a scary experience if you’re not expecting it.
- P. J. O’Rourke

When I was in college, I came up with the perfect Halloween costume. I wore cat ears and angel wings and carried a pitchfork, and went as every girl on campus.
- Steve Hofstetter

My version of a haunted house is hitting yes when an ATM asks me if I’d like to see my balance.
- Damien Fahey ‏@DamienFahey

I’m going to be “Mom who abandoned her family and fled to Mexico with a new identity” for Halloween. Too bad my kids won’t get to see it.
- Tara Brown ‏@Faux_Ma

The only thing that really scares me about Halloween is running out of candy.
- Melanie White

Visit a haunted house? Nah, if I want to hear blood curdling screams I’ll save money and just tell my wife there’s a spider on her neck.
- Scary Terry F ‏@daemonic3

For Halloween, everyone on my street has bodies in their lawns. It’s like living in Florida.
- Jason Love @Jasonlovetwit

I was complimented today on my amazing Halloween costume, which felt great. I wasn’t wearing one, but still.
- Earthman Adam @AdamOfEarth

I have pills bigger than these fun-size Snickers.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

I have to be honest. I don’t really look forward to Halloween as much as November 1st. November 1st should be named “Discount Candy Day.”
- Theresa Weaver

The real monsters are the people that give away little boxes of raisins instead of Halloween candy.
- Mike Raphone

A got a Halloween party invite from my car dealership, if you’re wondering what’s worse than not getting invited to a Halloween party.
- Chris Regan ‏@ChrisRRegan

Son: What are you going to be for Halloween, Dad?
Me: Drunk
Son: What’s mom gonna be?
Me: Mad
- Josh @iwearaonesie

When the box with my Halloween costume arrived, it was empty. I called the company and asked where my Queen Elizabeth costume was.
They apologized, said they would ship my costume the next day, and I could keep the Lady Godiva costume I got by mistake.

Pretty sure your “skeleton on the porch” is trumped by my “dead Santa” as far as the little beggars are concerned.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Every day’s Halloween if you spend most of it on Twitter.
- The Miller’s Tale ‏@JaneBadall

I’m giving out popcorn balls and apples for Halloween. If you think I only disappoint my family on holidays, you’d be wrong.
- Böb El Diablo Jänke ‏@Bob_Janke

Last Request

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. “Give me one last request, Dear,” he said.

“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.

“Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Joe.”

“But I thought you hated Joe,” she said.

With his last breath, John said, “I do!”

Lessons You Can Only Learn By Watching Horror Films

17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it’s really dead.

16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!

10. If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

9. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off or go it alone.

8. Do not take *anything* from the dead.

7. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.

5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

2. If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*

and last but not least…

1. If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!

Mom Is Working In This Room

The ONLY acceptable reasons to interrupt mom today are:

• You’re dying.
• Someone else is dying.
• The dog pooped in the house.
• There’s a whiskey/margarita/taco/ice cream truck driving by.
• Some super scary person is ringing the doorbell.
• There’s a fire. You’re on fire. Everything is on fire.
• The cast of Magic Mike is about to do a performance in the front yard.
• You puked or truly think you might puke.
• Someone broke a bone in the bounce house or on the swing.
• There’s a rabid squirrel in the house and it’s shredding up our toilet paper supply.
• A meteorite or other space junk has crashed through the roof. . .and it’s raining.
• There’s a hurricane, cyclone, or tornado.

END OF LIST

The Top 10 Least Popular Halloween Handouts

1. Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
2. Teeth removing Taffy
3. Metamucil in a straw
4. Ex-Lax Brownies
5. Caramel Covered Zucchini
6. Colored Crisco on a Stick
7. Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
8. Chocolate Covered Prunes
9. Small tubes of tooth paste
10. Anything that ticks!

Pet Lovers’ Manifesto

Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.

Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, and then go smell the other dogs’ butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door…
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Too Old for Halloween

Ten Signs That You’re Too Old for Trick or Treating

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Super Hero in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

That Happens More Then You Think

So, I set up my new Alexa to respond to “Computer…” instead of “Alexa…”

I didn’t think about it until I turned on Star Trek, and halfway through the episode, my house fired a spread of photon torpedoes into our neighbors’ garage.

This note is to say sorry again about your truck Kevin.

Top Ten Reasons Trick Or Treating Is Better Than Sex

1. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
2. If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again.
3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
4. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.
5. It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else because you are.
6. Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.
7. If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door.
8. It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
9. Less guilt the morning after.
10. You can do the WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!

Which Hole

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing…

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his round, went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”

He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.

She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also.

He asked what she sold.

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No, I wouldn’t.” he said.