The New Fragrance For Introverts
Quotes About Men & Woman
• It’s not the men in my life that counts – it’s the life in my men. (Mae West)
• Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me. (Mae West)
• It’s better to be looked over than overlooked. (Mae West)
• Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet. (Mae West)
• It’s been so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up whom. (Joan Rivers)
• I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. (Joan Rivers)
• Oh Lord, give me chastity, but do not give it yet. (St. Augustine)
• What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. (Mark Twain)
• Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage. (Ambrose Bierce)
• Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I’m tired. (Mae West)
• My wife is a sex object – every time I ask for sex, she objects. (Les Dawson)
• My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. (Jack Benny)
• A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke. (Rudyard Kipling)
• By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. (Socrates)
• A man is only as old as the woman he feels. (Groucho Marx)
• I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine – we were both crazy about girls. (Groucho Marx)
• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)
• Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity. (George Bernard Shaw)
• Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. (George Bernard Shaw)
• Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking. (Bill Vaughan)
• Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)
• My wife has a slight impediment in her speech – every now and then she stops to breathe. (Jimmy Durante)
• The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper)
• When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that’s mad. (Helen Rowland)
• When you see what some women marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living. (Helen Rowland)
• I married beneath me, all women do. (Nancy Astor)
• The state has no place in the nation’s bedrooms. (Pierre Trudeau)
• The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform. (Alfred Kinsey)
• A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
• I never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
• You mean apart from my own. (Zsa Zsa Gabor, asked how many husbands she had had)
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. “Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands.
“At this fantastic new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works – hell, even the urinal’s gold!”
The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.
“Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
“Yes it is,” bartender answers.
“Do you have huge golden doors?”
“Sure do.” “Do you have golden floors?”
“Most certainly do.”
“What about golden urinals?”
There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!
Things That Sound Dirty But Aren’t
TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN’T
10. Nuts…my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn’t:
1. Hold up…I need to wash my balls first
TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW BUT AREN’T
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let’s do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn’t:
1. Think you can get me off?
Letter To The Public From Your Local Police Department
Your 5 year old kid getting pushed down by another 5 year old kid is NOT a police matter; talk to the other kid’s parents, not the police.
If your kid won’t do his homework or do his chores, 911 is not the answer.
If a cop causes a car accident we usually get a ticket, and sometimes we get suspended. When is the last time you got 3 days off (without pay) for rear-ending a guy at Wal-Mart?
We know you’ve had more than two beers. When I’ve had two beers, I didn’t hit six parked cars, drive my car through the front doors of a Toys-R-Us, pee my pants or pass out at a traffic light.
When you see an emergency vehicle behind you with its lights and sirens on, pull to the RIGHT, and stop. We are usually required to pass cars on the left.
When you’re driving in the fast lane and you see a cop behind you, don’t go 5 MPH under the speed limit. We are not impressed by how safe of a driver you can be, we’re trying to go help someone (or catch that guy in SUV that just cut you off). Safely move over and let us pass please.
If we park our cruiser across the road with lights flashing, don’t ask if the road is closed or if there is an accident, just take an alternate route and DON’T DRIVE AROUND US!
If you get a warning instead of a ticket from a cop, go buy a lottery ticket, because you’ve already beaten the odds.
When you see an officer conducting a traffic stop, or with a suspect in handcuffs, it is generally not a good idea to approach him and ask for directions. If you do, don’t expect the officer to be nice when he tells you to get lost, and don’t expect the officer to take the time to explain.
Here’s how to get out of a ticket. Don’t break the law.
If you drive a piece of crap, that is why you’re getting pulled over.
In one week I pulled over 10 cars for minor traffic violations. 5 out of 10 had no vehicle insurance. 3 out of 10 had suspended driver’s licenses. 2 out of 10 had warrants. 1 out of 10 had felony warrants. 1 was a known sex offender with his 12 year old niece in the car without her mother’s knowledge.
If you’ve just been pulled over doing 70 in a 35, do not greet the officer with, “What seems to be the problem, officer?”
We get coffee breaks too.
When you’re the victim of a burglary, take the time you spend waiting for the officer to find the model number and the serial number of the stuff that was taken.
Some cops are just jerks, but take heart in the fact that other cops don’t like them either.
If it’s night time, and you’re driving a vehicle with tinted windows and I pull you over, it’s not because of your skin color. I usually can’t tell if the vehicle even has a driver until the window is rolled down.
Every time you hear on the news about people running away from a crazed gunman, someone’s son or daughter in a police uniform is running TOWARD that crazed gunman.
Yes, it’s true, cops usually don’t give other cops tickets. Think of it as an employee discount, perk or benefit. Other cops are family and you wouldn’t give your brother a ticket if you were a cop either.
If your local police agency has a helicopter, everyone knows it’s loud and annoying, but did you know it can cover the same area as 20 patrol officers and safely chase criminals that are driving 90 MPH through city streets? Many times the guy has no idea it’s there and slows down.
Police work is… Writing reports.
If you rob a gas station you’re only going to get about $100, but I get to see a K9 dog use your arm as a chew toy. For all I care you can keep the $100.
In one year of patrol work in a large city, only about ten minutes would be cool enough to be on the television show Cops.
Every traffic stop could end in gunfire, but we have to be polite and professional until that time.
I’ve taken about the same amount of men and women to jail for domestic violence, so NO, it’s not always the man.
If the light was yellow, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
Cops know you pay taxes and that your taxes pay cops’ salaries. Cops also pay taxes, which also pay cops’ salaries so, hey… this traffic stop is on me. Now sign here; press hard. There are several copies.
Police Officers… Our job is to protect your butt, not kiss it!
Things You Don’t Want To Hear Just Before Surgery
• “Wait, we were supposed to REMOVE the implants?”
• “This guy used to beat me up in junior high! I’ll show him.”
• “Crud, I dropped my contact in there.”
• “Nurse, what does this button do? It does, uh oh.”
• “Don’t worry, it probably won’t happen to this one too.”
• “Lets cut this, just for fun.”
Co-Worker vs Couple
Jill and Jack were co-workers. After a long frustrating day of working together on a project, Jill said, “Jack my dear, if you were my husband, I would have put poison in your coffee.”
Jack responds with a sigh, “Jill, if you were my wife, I would have taken it.”
What Men Really Mean
• “I’m going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.” Really means…. “I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.”
• “I heard you.” Really means…. “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and I am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”
• “You know I could never love anyone else.” Really means…. “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”
• “You look terrific.” Really means…. “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”
• “I brought you a present.” Really means…. “It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.”
• “I missed you.” Really means…. “I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.”
• “I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.” Really means…. “No one will ever see us alive again.”
• “We share the housework.” Really means…. “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”
• “This relationship is getting too serious.” Really means…. “I like you more than my truck.”
• “I recycle.” Really means…. “We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.”
• “Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.” Really means…. “Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?”
• “It sure snowed last night.” Really means…. “I suppose you’re going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.”
• “It’s good beer.” Really means…. “It was on sale.”
• “I don’t need to read the instructions.” Really means…. “I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.”
• “I’ll fix the garbage disposal later.” Really means…. “If I wait long enough you’ll get frustrated and buy a new one.”
• “I broke up with her.” Really means…. “She dumped me.”
• “I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant.” Really means…. “Someplace that doesn’t have a drive-thru window.”
Universal Corporate Translator
You’ll be making under $6 an hour
“ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY”:
You’re paid under $6 an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year
“AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY”:
There’s no chance in hell we’ll be the next Microsoft
Once it’s shared among the brass, you get what’s left
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors
“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”:
We have no time to train you (and/or) please introduce yourself to your co-workers
“NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER”:
Inc Magazine mentioned us a few years ago
The person who had this job gave notice a month ago–We’re just now running the ad
“SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER”:
We’re can’t supply you with leads; (and/or) there’s no base salary to speak of; (and/or) you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check
Don’t expect Management to answer questions
“WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS”:
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $35 co-pay
After 3 years, we’ll allow you to fund your own 401(k)
“SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE”:
Who won’t notice our internship-level salaries
“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings
We have a lot of turnover (and/or) Lots of intra-office back stabbing
“EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT”:
Guys in gray suits bore you with tales of Total Quality Management (TQM)
“JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM”:
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes
“FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT”:
Your coworkers will be insulted if you don’t drink with them
“A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT”:
We booze it up at company parties and after work hours
“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED”:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day
“SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED”:
If we’re in trouble, you have to explain it to the customer
“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”:
Some time each night and some time each weekend
“A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION”:
We can’t afford any office partitions, let alone offices
Work 40 hours; plus whatever your supervisor asks you to
“DUTIES WILL VARY”:
Anyone in the office can boss you around
“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”:
We have no quality control to speak of
“COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED”:
Unless you blew four years studying something useless
“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”:
We’ve filled the job; this ad is just a legal formality
“SEEKING CANDIDATE WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”:
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left
“SEEK CANDIDATE REQUIRING LITTLE OR NO SUPERVISION”:
You’re on your own here Bunko; sink or swim
“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”:
This is a company in perpetual chaos and turmoil
“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”:
You’ll have managerial responsibilities, w/o the pay
“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”:
Brass communicate, you listen, you figure out what they want
“ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD”:
You whine, you’re outta here!
You Might Be An E.R. Doctor If…
1) Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
2) Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
3) You think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
4) You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants.
5) You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.
6) You say to yourself “great veins” when looking at complete strangers.
7) You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy it is quiet around here.”
8) You have ever referred to someone’s death as a transfer to the “Eternal Care Unit”.
9) You have ever had a patient say, “But I’m not pregnant, I can’t be pregnant. How can I be having a baby?”
10) You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say “I have no idea how that got stuck in there”.
11) Your most common assessment question is “what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?”
More Pick Up Line Responses
These are suggestions for women responding to pick up lines:
Pick Up Line: I want to give myself to you
Female Response: Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts
Pick Up Line: I can tell that you want me
Female Response: Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you… to leave
Pick Up Line: Hey, baby, What’s your sign?
Female Response: Stop
Pick Up Line: Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Female Response: Sorry, I don’t date outside my species
Pick Up Line: May I see you pretty soon?
Female Response: Why? Don’t you think I’m pretty now?
Pick Up Line: Your body is like a temple.
Female Response: Sorry, there are no services today.
Pick Up Line: I’d go through anything for you
Female Response: Good! Let’s start with your bank account
Pick Up Line: I would go to the end of the world for you
Female Response: Yes, but would you stay there?
Pick Up Line: Your place or mine?
Female Response: Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.
After hearing a Pick up line: I like your approach, now let’s see your departure.
If you are looking at a girl and she says “What are you looking at?” say “I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken.”
Pick Up Line: Does beauty run in your family?
Female Response: It obviously doesn’t in yours!
Pick Up Line: What’s your name sexy?
Female Response: Taken!
Pick Up Line: Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?
Female Response: Yeah, but this time don’t stop!
Pick Up Line: I think you’re the best looking girl in here
Female Response: Really? Well, I’d better go find the best looking guy then, hadn’t I!
Pick Up Line: Can I buy you a drink?
Female Response: Go ahead, but only if you buy my boyfriend one too!
Pick Up Line: You look like a dream.
Female Response: Go back to sleep
Pick Up Line: What’s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
Female Response: What’s it like being the biggest liar in the world?
Pick Up Line: I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included
Female Response: Thanks! Hey, I saw your name next to jerk