Weekend Update: “Point/Counterpoint” Relationships
Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin debate Lee Marvin and Michelle Triola’s relationship (1979)
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
DONALD TRUMP: I’ve been told by my many sources, good sources – they’re very good sources – that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it’s a really good road. It’s a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.
JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the…thing in the…you know the rest.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
KING DAVID: O Lord, why dost the chicken cross the road? And why art the chicken hawks beset around it? Surely in vain the road is crossed in the sight of any predator.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it’s lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2020, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Micorsoft Edge is an integral part of eChicken2020. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Truly An Inspiring Story
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What’s the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
Here’s her story in her own words:
“While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water.
It began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took.
The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus
Funny And Clever Job Listings
1. WANTED: Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. P.O. Box 123, Oakview, CA 93022. You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this one before.
2. A Sales Advisor job ad asserted that all applicants “must have a high level of self importance. “Traits desired for the role included being “arrogant” and a “desire to rip customers off to make a lot of money.”
Amazingly, eight people applied to this job that offered $22,000 a year. The poster also mentioned that the interviewer would say each employee can reach manager status, “however this is rubbish as the same idiots have been managing the same branches for many years.”
3. “Evil Genius Beer Company is looking for outgoing and energetic people who are passionate about craft beer to be a part of our team!” It requested that evil minions taste samplings of different beer. They would be paid with “some free swag and cases of beer.”
4. “Want a new JOB to complain about?”
5. “Today’s forecast: Stormy meetings, cloudy moods”
6. “Today’s horoscope: Your boss will double your salary and shower you with praises. Yeah, right!!!”
7. I am quite sure most of you have seen the rather large green dragon that has been flying over northeast OKC for the better part of a week.
I am looking for someone to:
• Lure said dragon away from OKC to a more rural area.
• Force said dragon to land in rural area.
• Slay said dragon in whatever way you see fit.
No pay, dragon slaying is its own reward. Please note that I am not talking about the red dragon that frequents the area from time to time. He and I have an agreement.
8.Now Hiring…Must have clue!
9. TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY S9.75 PER HOUR?
We offer profit sharing, flexible hours, & benefits. Staring pay: $5 – $7 per hour. Call 310-555-1234
10. WANTED EVIL GENIUS seeks minions to sacrifice their lives in world domination attempt.
Must be prepared to work 24-7 for fascist psychopath for close to no pay. Messy death inevitable but costumes and laser death rays provided. NO Weirdos. call: 1-800-MWA-HAHA
Who Knew That Was Even An Option?
My dad went to college in a really bad part of town when he was younger and there were always a lot of homeless people asking for money. So he gave as much as he could to people, but there were so many people so at a point he’d just start saying, “Oh, sorry. Not today”. And walk off.
So this one day my dad was in a rush and this scruffy looking guy comes up to him and mumbles something about money. And my dad just walked by and said “Oh, sorry. Not today.” And he went inside the bookstore he was going to.
Once my dad gets inside the bookstore he turns around to see the guy who came up to him outside looking very angry. And then he realized that the guy had said, “Give me all your money.”
So my dad said “Oh, sorry. Not today.” to someone who was trying to mug him.
Some Funny Questions And Answers In Court
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
I’m Thinking He Does That On Purpose
OUR PILOT WAS JUST LIKE “ladies and gentlemen…i hope you realize you aren’t on a normal flight..” AND HIS TONE WAS ALL SERIOUS AND EVERYONE JUST PAUSED AND I STARTED HAVING A PANIC ATTACK THINKING IT WAS A TERRORIST ATTACK OR SOMETHING AND THEN HE CASUALLY GOES “we now have 100 calorie oreo snack packs to offer you” I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS!
Perfectly Savage Parenting Moves
1. One time I was late to practice and coach made me run laps. My dad was the coach. And he drove me to practice.
2. It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
3. My wife told me I finally had to have “the talk” with our kids. I told them how some animals eat their young, so they better get their together before dinner.
4. So I’m sitting on the sofa with my son watching TV and he hears that he got a text on his phone that he left in the kitchen so he goes to get his phone and it’s a text from me, “please bring the chips and a Coke on your way back”.
5. My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
6. Mom Text: Your sister and I are going to prime burger
Daughter Text: ok can u get me a bacon cheeseburger with pickles please?
Mom Text: No
Daughter Text: then y did u tell me u were going?
Mom Text: To disappoint you as much as you disappoint me
7. My mom once said to me, “how the fu(k are you so picky and still pick the wrong ones?”
8. Me: goodnight kids
Kids: goodnight dad
Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad
Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT
That’s When You Hang Up
I think its funny that after you give blood, they keep calling you every once in a while to ask if you want to give more blood.
I get it, blood is important and in short supply, but it just seems like, “Hey… we heard you made more blood. Can you… can you give us that new blood? that sweet sweet fresh blood? It’s been a while, Jacob. We know you have it. We know you have the blood Jacob.”
More Funny Sayings
• “Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”
• All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
• Are you too gullible? We can cure you! Send $1,000 to…
• My dog thinks I’m crazy. I’ll be back when I’m done arguing with him
• The world needs messy people; otherwise the neat people would take over
• Remember my face; I might need an alibi later
• 333…I’m only half evil
• The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity
• Few women admit their age, few men act it
• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
• When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS
• I brake for… wait… AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!
The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot……
“No way! No needles. I hate needles.” the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!!
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
“No objection” the patient says. “I’m fine with pills”.
The dentist then returns and says, “Here’s a Viagra.”
The patient says, “Wow, I didn’t know Viagra worked as a painkiller”.
“It doesn’t” said the dentist, “but it’s going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth”.