Rowan Atkinson in ‘We Are Most Amused’
Best of Fail
Dating Vs Marriage
When you are dating….. Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ….You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband at all times.
When you are dating….. He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ….He brings home a 6 pack, and says “What are you going to drink?”
When you are dating….. He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ….He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating….. A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad.
When you are married ….A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating….. You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ….You think to yourself “Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”
When you are dating….. You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ….You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”
When you are dating….. He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ….He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating….. You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ….You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating….. Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy.”
When you are married ….When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating….. He knows what the “hamper” is.
When you are married ….The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.
When you are dating….. He understands if you “Aren’t in the mood.”
When you are married ….He says “It’s your job.”
When you are dating….. He understands that you have “male” friends.
When you are married ….He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
When you are dating….. He likes to “discuss” things.
When you are married ….He develops a “blank” stare.
When you are dating….. He calls you by name.
When you are married ….He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.”
Senior Motel Moment
Last week, she checked into a motel on her 65th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well oiled bum.
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call.
“Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you? Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready!! Now how does that sound?”
He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”
Books Never Written
For good reason
America’s Most Popular Lawyers
Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
Career Opportunities for History Majors
Detroit – A Travel Guide
Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
How to Sustain a Solo Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion
Human Rights Advances in China
The Differences Between Reality and Dilbert
Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton
Feminists Men Want to Marry
How to Love Everyone by Adolf Hitler
How to be a Kamikaze Pilot by Osama Bin Laden
The Rolling Hills of Iowa
Pop Goes the Hamster and Other Great Microwave Games
How to Manage Your Company’s Finances by Enron
My Life’s Memories by Ronald Reagan
A Drug Reference Guide For Weekend Fun
How you think you behave: Like the beautiful, caring, wonderful person you really are.
How you actually behave: Like the creepy kid at school who always sucked up to the teacher. Those revolting sweaty hugs you inflict upon anyone you meet are disgusting.
Likelihood of getting laid: 30%. Sex is not important. It’s all about the “vibe.”
How you feel in the morning: Like you should have gone for the sex.
Embarrassment rating: 6/10 Ecstasy makes you say nice things to people that you don’t like. This can be very embarrassing, particularly if people believe what you say. Be careful who you give your phone number to. They just might call.
How you think you behave:You’re not sure, but you think people could be laughing at you.
How you actually behave: Like someone just hit you over the head with an 800 pound fridge freezer combination.
Likelihood of getting laid: 60%. If you spend enough time on the couch, anything can happen.
How you feel in the morning: Like another joint. And the rest of that pizza.
Embarrassment rating: 1/10. You are moving so slowly that it’s almost impossible to do anything stupid.
How you think you behave: Like the life of the party. You are sexy, funny and everybody likes you.
How you actually behave: Like the death of the party. Your behavior gets progressively worse as you tell more and more crass jokes, insult the bartender, spill your drink and make a pass at your best friend’s date.
Likelihood of getting laid: 90%. Your sexual standards drop dramatically with each consecutive drink. If surrounded by others whose standards are also lowered, then your chances are pretty good.
How you feel in the morning: Who did I insult? Where is my car? Why did I sleep with someone from the office? I’ve never felt this bad before. This is absolutely the last time.
Embarrassment rating: 11/10. Not only are you stupid, you are sloppy. Everyone recognizes this, except you.
How you think you behave: You are smart, irresistible and want to “do lunch” with everyone.
How you actually behave: Like an annoying know-it-all who would sell his soul for the next line of blow.
Likelihood of getting laid: 80% It may be a Jedi Mind Trick, but when you sincerely believe you are so irresistible, some clueless and insecure type may actually fall for it
How you feel in the morning: Like the ape man.
Embarrassment rating: 0/10 if there’s more coke in the drawer. 9/10 if there isn’t.
5. ACID or SHROOMS
How you think you behave: You are not behaving, but the world around you is putting on a pretty good show.
How you actually behave: In reality, it is you putting on the show. The rest of the world is behaving the same as ever.
Likelihood of getting laid: 20% Even if you actually manage to get through the process of selecting a mate, removing your clothes and choosing a sexual position, you will then have to deal with the challenge of your partner changing into a furry animal/the devil/your mother.
How you feel in the morning: Either you are climbing the wall wishing that God would put an end to your suffering, or you finally understand Huxley’s “The Doors of Perception.”
Embarrassment rating: 0/10 you either sat on the couch and laughed at the TV all night even if it was turned off. Or you climbed onto the top of a building, tried to fly and died.
Economic Lingo – The Crisis Special
1. CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer.
2. CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.
3. BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
4. BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
5. VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
6. P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
7. BROKER — What my broker has made me.
8. STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
9. STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
10. STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
11. FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
12. MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
13. CASH FLOW — The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
14. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Last year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
15. PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving
Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they wanted cash
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me
It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss
Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come to mind any more
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs. Arranged Marriage.
It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has one.
There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has her!
How To Deal With Stress
1. Buy a subscription to sleezoid weekly and send it to your bosses wife/hubby.
2. Pay your electricity bill in pennies.
3. Drive to work in reverse.
4. Mentally reflect on your favorite episode of The Flintstones during that important finance meeting.
5. Refresh yourself. Put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.
6. Tell you boss to blow it out of his mule and let him figure it out.
7. Polish your car with earwax.
8. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
9. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
10. Bill your doctor/dentist/whoever for time spent in his waiting room.
11. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
12. Write a short story; using alphabet soup.
13. Lie on your back eating celery…. using your naval as a salt dipper.
14. Stare at people through the lines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail.
15. Make up a language and ask people for directions.
How To Ask For A Raise
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The lady of the house was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: ”Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: ”Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.
‘Wife: ”Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: ”Your husband said so.”
Maria: ”The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: ”Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: ”Your husband did.”
Maria: ”My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.
Wife (really furious now): ”Did my husband say that as well?
Maria: ”No Señora… the gardener did.”
Wife: ”So how much do you want?”
Show me a man with both feet on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t take his pants off.
As we delight in the strange and exotic beauty of orchid flowers, it is salutary to reflect that we are, in essence, looking at their genitalia.
-a British biologist (from The Beak of the Finch)
Sign seen in a print shop: “Good, Quick, Cheap…pick two.”
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
When looking for a reason why people do certain things, never rule out sheer stupidity.
-Walter E. Williams, on airport security screeners
It may be just coincidence, but man’s best friend cannot talk.
Whenever I don’t feel so well, I always try remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over…and they share the same ass hole.
-Jay Mohr, supposedly quoting Buddy Hackett
I said to my doctor last week, “My pe nis is burning.” He said, “That just means someone’s talking about it.”
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
This woman has been married so many times, she suffers from bouquet elbow.
-David Letterman, on Jennifer Lopez
Never in the history of Major League Baseball have so many been paid so much to play so poorly.
It is an old maxim of mine that when you have excluded the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
-Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (Sherlock Holmes), “The Adventure of the Beryl Coronet”
The weightlifting competition I saw was the women’s 63 kg class. I’m not sure whether this means the actual women weighed 63 kg or the weights they lifted weighed 63 kg. Or possibly the temperature in the weightlifting hall was 63 kg. There’s no way to know for sure without finding out what a “kg” is, and my belief, as an American, is that if I have to start understanding the metric system, then the terrorists have won.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality by not dying.
Men: You know how, when your wife can’t open a pickle jar, she gives it to you, and you’re supposed to smile in a manly patronizing way as you effortlessly twist it open? That’s not what happens in our house. What happens is, after a grim struggle lasting several minutes, I wind up lying on the kitchen floor, exhausted and whimpering, while the pickle jar, unopened, laughs and flirts boldly with my wife. Sometimes it gives me a wedgie.
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
Beer: So much more than just a breakfast drink.
-Whitstran Brewery sign
Is life worth living? That depends on the liver.
My Darling Husband,
Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately it’s not too bad and I didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but fortunately the pick up came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture of the damage for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
|P.S. Your girlfriend called.|