The Aliens – That Mitchell and Webb
Me Doctor – Monty Python
Funny Things To Say Right Before Anesthesia Kicks In
• “See you on the other side, bring snacks.”
• “Okay, beam me up, Scotty!”
• “Wake me up when I’m a millionaire!”
• “Anyone want anything while I’m out?”
• “Tell my cat I always meant to change the litter if I don’t wake up.”
• Don’t mess this up,I know where you work.”
• “Do I get a discount if I don’t snore?”
• “If I start singing in the recovery room, it’s the anesthetic’s fault.”
• “Can you make sure I wake up with six-pack abs?”
• Asked the surgeon. In med school “Were you more of an A student or a C student “
• “Wanna hear a joke? How do you keep an anesthetist in suspense?”
• Just before I went under for a colonoscopy I told the Doc, “Are you sure this is right? I just came in for a teeth cleaning.” Without missing a beat he replied, “Don’t worry, we can get there from here.”
• I’m a man in his mid-50s with a belly. I told them, “If it’s a choice between me and the baby… choose me.”
• “Anybody else’s first time?”
• “If I don’t make it, the money is buried at…”
• “I should’ve worn better underwear.”
• “Is it normal to see a purple elephant?”
• “So… are you single?”
• “OK, we’re going to go to sleep now.” Me: “I think ONE of us should stay awake”
• “Doc, ya kinda got my life in your hands here, do you mind if I pretend you were the valedictorian?”
• “I expect a full report and before-and-after photos for my followers.”
• “Promise no surprise piercings while I’m out.”
• “If you find any spare organs, please return them, Amazon won’t accept used parts.”
• “Tell my boss I took a very medical day off.”
• “If this goes well, tacos for the team.”
• “Wait, what’s the safe word?”
He Had A Really Bad Day
Upon arriving home after work, a husband was met at the front door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully, she choked out, “It’s that rude local pharmacist! He insulted me terribly on the phone this morning. I had to call half a dozen times before he even bothered to pick up, and then he was utterly foul to me!”
Furious, the husband stormed back to his truck and sped straight downtown to the drugstore to confront the man and demand a formal apology.
He marched up to the counter, but before he could get two words out, the disheveled pharmacist held up his hands and pleaded:
“Hold on, mister… please, just give me sixty seconds to tell my side of the story before you take a swing at me.”
The pharmacist wiped sweat from his brow and explained:
“This morning my alarm failed to go off, so I woke up forty-five minutes late. I had to skip breakfast and dashed outside, only to realize I’d locked both my house and car keys inside the front hallway. I had to take a brick and smash a window just to get my keys.
“Then, rushing to make up time, I got pulled over and slapped with a massive speeding ticket. Three blocks from the pharmacy, my front tire blew out.
“By the time I limped up to the store on a rim, twenty cranky customers were already banging on the glass doors waiting for me to open. I unlocked the shop and started filling orders as fast as I could, while that darn telephone in the back kept ringing off the hook without stopping for a single second.
“To make matters worse, I cracked open a roll of pennies against the till to make change, and fifty coins exploded across the tile floor. I got down on my hands and knees in my good trousers to scoop them up—the phone still blaring in my ear—and when I stood back up, I smashed my skull right against the open cash register drawer.
“Dazed and bleeding, I stumbled backward into a glass display cabinet, knocking an entire shelf of expensive designer perfume bottles onto the floor, shattering all of them into million pieces.
“Through the broken glass, stinging eyes, and blood dripping down my forehead, that damn telephone was still ringing off the hook. I finally staggered over, snatched the receiver, and answered it.
“It was your wife. She called to ask how to use a rectal thermometer.
“…And honest to God, mister, all I did was tell her!”
About Growing Older…
1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
2. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
3. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
4. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
5. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
6. I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
7. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
8. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
9. Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
10. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.
11. If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.
I Can’t Wait To Try This
I probably shouldn’t have done it, but at 83 years old, patience isn’t something I have in unlimited supply.
I was sitting in the McDonald’s drive-thru lane this morning, taking my time to decipher the breakfast menu, when the young woman in the car behind me laid on her horn. She started gesturing wildly and mouthing angry words through her windshield because I wasn’t ordering fast enough.
I smiled, rolled forward to the payment booth, and told the cashier, “I’d like to pay for the order behind me as well.”
The cashier clearly passed the message along, because as we crept forward, the young woman leaned halfway out her window, waved apologetically, and mouthed, “Thank you so much!” She looked thoroughly humbled that I had returned her impatience with pure Southern hospitality.
Then I pulled up to the collection window.
I flashed both receipts, collected my breakfast, grabbed her meal too, and drove off into the sunrise.
Now she gets to join the back of the queue and place her order all over again.
Never test an old person’s patience—we’ve had decades to perfect the art of revenge.
Only In America
Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes and candy bars at the front.
Only in America……do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. While contemplating surgery for being to fat.
Only in America……do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Plus hire a rent a cop with a gun that would make Barney Fife look like Dirty Harry.
Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Don’t forget screws in three’s and nails by the dozen.
Only in America…..do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
If She’s That Smart How Come All The Bad Grades?
My daughter came home holding a report card and looking unusually confident.
I asked, “Should I be worried?”
She smiled and said, “Not at all. I already handled everything.”
I opened the report and saw three terrible grades.
“What exactly did you handle?” I asked.
She shrugged. “Your expectations.”
I stared at her, trying not to laugh. “You know these grades aren’t exactly impressive, right?”
She nodded. “Neither are your cooking skills, but Mom still lets you make dinner.”
From the kitchen, her mother yelled, “Don’t drag me into this!”
My daughter grabbed a cookie and whispered, “See? Even Mom knows I’m right.”
I suddenly realized I was losing an argument I never agreed to join.
Universal Doctor Translator
“This should be taken care of right away.”
This is easy and profitable so I want to fix it before it cures itself
“Welllllll, what have we here…”
I don’t have any idea what it is, and hope you’ll give me a clue
“We’ll see.”
First I have to check my malpractice insurance
“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you’re paid up before spending any more time with you
“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time
“I have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news: I get a new BMW. The bad news: You’re going to pay for it.
“Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will turn into something that can be cured
“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have a forty percent interest in the lab
“I really can’t recommend seeing a chiropractor.”
I hate those guys horning in on our fees
“Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.”
I haven’t the faintest idea what to do. Maybe the Nurse will interrupt
“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune
“How are we today?”
I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell
“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself
“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up
This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit through their tongues
“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you, and why are you here bothering me?
“This should fix you up.”
The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.
“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig
“Everything seems to be normal.”
I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all
“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this
“Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
I’m hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees
If those symptoms persist, call for another appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week
“There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week… I’d better learn something about this
“Why don’t you slip out of your things.”
I haven’t had a good laugh all day
The Genesis Of The Web
In ancient Israel, a traveling merchant by the name of Abraham Com took unto himself a wife named Dorothy. Dot Com was an impressive woman of towering stature and sharp wits—often referred to throughout the region as Amazon Dot Com.
One day she asked Abraham, “Why must thou trek through desert sand from village to village when thou canst barter without ever stepping outside thy tent?”
Abraham looked at her as if she were a few figs short of a harvest, but asked, “And how dost thou propose I do that, dear?”
Dot replied, “I shall set up relay drums in every village across the land. We will drum out messages listing thy wares, and the merchants will beat back their best offers. Agreements shall be struck over the beat, and parcel deliveries shall be handled by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”
Abraham agreed, and the system took the ancient world by storm. Within weeks, his goods were flying off the carpets at record prices right from his home tent.
To keep prying eyes in neighboring kingdoms from decoding the drumbeats, Dot invented a secure rhythm protocol called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS). She followed this with a dialect designed to transmit pictures of the goods: Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
Before long, young scholars obsessed with the beat began swarming the trade squares. The locals dubbed them Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites (NERDS).
Yet amid the chaos, nobody noticed that the real fortune was being pocketed by a shrewd drum supplier named Brother William of Gates. Brother Gates bought out every timber forest and insisted that all future drums function only with his proprietary drumheads and sticks.
Dot sighed to her husband, “Abraham, others are seizing what we created.”
Abraham gazed out across the Bay of Ezekiel (eBay) and said, “We must rebrand ourselves with a name that honors our spirit.”
Dot declared, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators!”
“YAHOO!” Abraham cheered. And so was born YAHOO Dot Com.
Soon after, Abraham’s cousin Joshua, a Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK), figured out how to use the rhythms to map out every well, landmark, and oasis in the wilderness.
The people called it God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
And so the web was born. Truly, you couldn’t make this up!
Work Place Laws
• A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants
• Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard
• When bosses discuss improving productivity, they don’t mean themselves
• Mother said there’d be days like this, but she never said there’d be so many
• Everything can be filed under “Miscellaneous”
• Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour
• To err is human, to forgive is not company policy
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail
• The last person to quit is held responsible for everything that’s wrong
• There is never enough time to do it right, but always time to do it over
• The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization
• If you’re good, you get a lot of work. If you’re really good, you get out of it
• You’re always doing something marginal when the boss drops by
• People are always available for work in the past tense
• If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done
• Authority is inversely proportional to the number of pens a person carries
• When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried
• You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like
• The longer the title, the less important the job
• Machines that have broken down will work fine when the repairman arrives
• Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse
• All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one’s own
• Success is just a matter of luck…just ask any failure
• Anyone can do any amount of work…provided it’s not the work he’s supposed to do
Three Blonde Men
Three blonde men are stranded on an island.
Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them a wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, he is turned into a brown-haired man and swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so he is turned into a black-haired man. The black-haired man builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns him into a woman, and she walks across the bridge.
Hey Guys! You Won’t Believe What This Soap Stuff Does!
Almost As Good As Mom Used To Make
Yeh, It’s Most Likely One Of Them
Sometimes You’re The Coyote And Sometimes Your The… No You’re Pretty Much Always The Coyote
Is This Even Illegal?
Why Else Would He See A Cookie Tree?
And For Some Strange Reason You Must Work In The Office Instead Of Remotely
Don’t Sugar Coat It, Tell Us How You Really Feel
Tacos Come In All Shapes And Sizes, So Don’t Judge
And Women Wonder Why We Don’t Understand Them
