Friday Fun Stuff – 11-15-24

Guide Cat – Hale and Pace


HELL NO: The Sensible Horror Film


Bumper Stickers

“All generalizations are false.”
“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.”
“Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.”
“As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools.”
“The gene pool could use a little chlorine.”
“I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!”
“Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep.”
“Sex is a misdemeanor. . . The more I miss it, the meaner I get!!”
“Montana — At least our cows are sane!”
“Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.”
“Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!”
“Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.”
“Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.”
“I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!”
“It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.”
“According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.”
“A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.”
“Forget about World Peace. . . Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!”
“Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.”
“Give me ambiguity or give me something else.”
“Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.”
“He who laughs last thinks slowest.”
“Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.”
“Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.”
“Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.”
“Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”
“Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.”
“Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.”
“The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.”
“We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.”
“Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.”
“3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.”
“Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?”
“Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?”
“I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.”
“Auntie Em, Hate you; Hate Kansas; Taking the dog. –Dorothy.”
“Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.”
“Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.”
“I’m out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?”


And Suddenly You’re the Center Of Attention!

Sometimes, when you cry no one sees your tears.
Sometimes, when you are worried no one sees your pain.
Sometimes, when you are happy no one sees your smile.
But fart just one time…


F You All Quotes

1. “Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.” — Harvey Specter
2. “You can’t move mountains by whispering at them.” — Pink
3. “Too glam to give a damn.”
4. “It is better to let everyone think you are stupid, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” — Mark Twain
5. “I’m tough, I’m ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a b-tch, okay.” — Madonna
6. “Next time you all see someone call a little girl bossy, you walk right up to that person, big smile, and you say, ‘That little girl’s not bossy. That little girl has executive leadership skills.’” — Sheryl Sandberg
7. “Never interrupt someone doing what you said couldn’t be done.” — Amelia Earhart
8. I do a thing called what I want.”
9. “It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”
10. “I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back.” — Maya Angelou
11. “What’s a queen without her king? Well, historically speaking, more powerful.”
12. “Kill them with success and bury them with a smile.”
13. “Throw me to the wolves and I’ll come back leading the pack.”
14. “I keep it real cause I’m not afraid to make enemies.”
15. “I know I’m a handful but that’s why you got two hands.”
16. “I heard you’re a player. Nice to meet you, I’m the coach.”
17. “I can resist everything, except temptation.” — Oscar Wilde
18. “I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I’m out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” — Marilyn Monroe
19. “I’m single because I was born that way.” — Mae West
20. “Treat me like a joke and I’ll leave you like it’s funny.”
21. “Sweet as sugar. Cold as ice. Hurt me once, I’ll break you twice.”
22. “Love is like a brick. You can build a house, or you can sink a dead body.” — Lady Gaga
23. “Nobody can understand what you’re feeling unless they burn the way you burned.” — Rihanna
24. “Why chase you when I’m the catch?”
25. “My lips are the gun. My smile is the trigger. My kisses are the bullets. Label me a killer.”


For Some Reason She Just Doesn’t Trust Me

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge, “I just can’t take it anymore.

Every night she’s out until way after midnight, just going from bar to bar.”

Judge asks, “What’s she doing?”

The guy answers, “Looking for me.”


Just In Case You Didn’t Know

Your grandma wore very short miniskirts, thin panties, high boots, and no bra.
She listened to Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, Janis Joplin and Rolling Stones.
She rode on motorcycles and fast cars.
She smoked tobacco and other things.
She drank gin-tonics, whiskey, and whatever.
She came home at 4 am and left for work in the morning.

Know that you will never be as cool as your grandma.

Excuse me but someone had to say it.


I Guess He Should Have Put It In A Sentence?

Moderator: Your word is ‘Seaward’

Spelling Bee Contestant: C-U-N…

Moderator: Please no Jesus stop!


Sarcastic Quotes

1. “God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” – Robin Williams
2. “If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”
3. “I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you.”
4. “I always say ‘Morning’ Instead of ‘good morning’ Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.”
5. “Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.” – Michael Levine
6. “An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.” – Robert Oppenheimer
7. “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
8. “Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”
9. “Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.”
10. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”
11. “You know what I like about people? Their dogs.”
12. “A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.” – Fred Allen
13. “An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough.”
14. “Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal.”
15. “Don’t mistake this fake smile and professional body language. I’d punch you in the throat if I knew I wouldn’t lose my job.”


Wife Program

To: Tech Support

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of the phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker night 10.3 and Beer bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0, but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Sincerely,
Jonathan Powell

——————

To: Mr. Powell

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a “UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT” program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything.

It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than their original system. Look in your manual under Warnings – Alimony / Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPS’s). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button, then the reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPS’s. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.


You Might be a Redneck Jedi if . . .

• You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
• Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
• You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
• At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
• You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
• The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
• Wookies are offended by your B.O.
• You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.
• You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
• Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”
• You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
• You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
• You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
• You have the doors of your X-wing fighter welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
• Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
• You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
• You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
• You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
• If you hear . . . “Luke, I am your father … and your uncle …”


Don’t Mess with the Tower

A young and foolish pilot on his first time approaching a field during the nighttime wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: “Guess who?”

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: “Guess where!”


Can I Use The Real One Now?
Can I Use The Real One Now
 
What, He Asked For A Stool Sample
What, He Asked For A Stool Sample
 
I Want One Of Those
I Want One Of Those
 
But You Still Want An Expensive Restaurant For Your Birthday….Yeh Right!
But You Still Want An Expensive Restourount For Your Birthday....Yeh Right!
 
Hey, It Counts!
Hey, It Counts!
 
Something Went Wrong, But What?
Something Went Wrong
 
At Least Your Not The Only One Having A Bad Day
At Least Your Not The Only One Having A Bad Day
 
And We Rarely Get A Chance To Laugh Around Here
And We Rarly Get A Chance To Laugh Around Here
 
You Got A Love Those Subtle Hints That You Might Not Be Right For Each Other
You Got A Love Those Subtle Hints That You Might Not Be Right For Each Other
 
Because We Grew Up With Comedians Who Weren’t Afraid Of Shit
Because We Grew Up With Commedians Who Weren't Afraid Of Shit

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