Interview With An Applicant
Monty Python Crackpot Religions LTD
Achieving More Than 100%
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%. No doubt, we’ve all wondered how that could be mathematically possible. Well, believe it or not, it is! In fact, it’s possible to achieve 103%.
Here’s a little math that may prove helpful. What makes life 100%?
If you write out the alphabet and assign each letter a number as follows:
A = 1
B = 2
C = 3
D = 4
continuing until you get all the way to Z = 26
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = merely 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = merely 96%
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
As you can see, hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but… bullshit will put you right over the top!
Greeting Card Rejections
Greeting card ideas rejected by Hallmark:
1. So your daughter’s a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it’s really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
3. You had your bladder removed,
and you’re on the mend.
Here’s a bouquet of flowers,
and a box of Depends.
4. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
‘Cause when I had mine,
I got real snippy.
5. Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don’t fret about it,
She moved in with me.
6. You totaled your car,
and can’t remember why.
Could it have been,
that whole case of Bud Dry?
Other rejected ideas:
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your wife.
I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.
If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You’ll probably need it again!
We have been friends for a very long time.
What say we call it quits?
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!! (Available only in certain southern States)
Texas Chili Contest
Notes from an inexperienced chili tester named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the east coast:
Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The regular judge called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the two other judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have all the free beer I wanted during the chili tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI #1: MIKE’S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
Judge #1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2: Nice, smooth flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me 3 beers to put the flames out. I hope this is the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI #2: ARTHUR’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge #1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children! I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI #3: FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN
Judge #1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Frank: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I’ve been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded on my back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.
CHILI #4: BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
Judge #1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 lb. bitch is starting to look “HOT”, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI #5: LINDA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge #1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2: Chili using shredded beef. Could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer on it directly from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
CHILI #6: VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge #1: Thin, yet bold, vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge #2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric inferno flames. I pooped when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
CHILI #7: SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge #1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2: Ho-hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers as an afterthought. I should note that I’m worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it’s made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lava-like poop to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI #8: HELEN’S MOUNT SAINT
Judge #1: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili?
Frank: ———–(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report).
What does NASCAR mean?
Non-athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks
A rabbi and a priest operated a synagogue and a church across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to purchase a car.
They bought the car, drove it home, and parked it on the street between them.
Several minutes later, the rabbi looked out and observed the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn’t need a wash, so he rushed out and asked the priest what he was doing. “I’m blessing it,” the priest explained.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. Reappearing a few moments later with a hacksaw, he promptly walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
Top Twenty Worst Airline Slogans
1. When you just can’t wait for the world to come to you.
2. We’re Amtrak with wings.
3. Join our frequent near-miss program.
4. On our flights, every section is a smoking section.
5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.
7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don’t worry. We’ll turn them off.
8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.
11. If you think it’s so easy, get your own plane!
12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
14. We may be landing on your street.
15. Bring a bathing suit.
16. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
17. Don’t leave the flying to us; we don’t know what the hell were doing.
18. Fly our airline and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.
19. A real man lands where he wants to.
20. Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
1. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up.”
2. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, during which the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
3. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwiki Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
4. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”
5. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No!” the man shouted. “This is her husband!”
6. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition: The engine ran fine, the outboard-drive went up and down and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
They still had the trailer attached to the bottom of the boat.
7. THE GRAND FINALE!!! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Hellooooooo)!
Where’s Mom And Dad?
A little boy came to the breakfast table and asked his grandma, “Where’s Mom and Dad?” Grandma replied, “They’re still in bed.” The little boy snickered and started eating his breakfast.
At lunch the boy asked his grandma, “Where’s Mom and Dad?” Grandma replied, “They’re still in bed.” The boy snickered again and started eating his lunch.
At dinner the boy asked his grandma, “Where’s Mom and Dad?” Grandma replied, “They’re still in bed.” The boy laughed out loud boisterously then started to eat his dinner. The grandma then said to the boy, “You’ve laughed every time I’ve told you that your Mom and Dad were still in bed – what’s going on here?”
The boy replied, “Last night dad came into my room and asked if he could borrow the tube of Vaseline I keep in my dresser? I told him to go ahead and take it. This morning I looked in my dresser and the Vaseline was still there – but my super glue was missing.”
Feel Like A Woman
During a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane encounters a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. She stands up in the front of the plane and begins screaming. “I’m too young to die,” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?”
A hush comes over the passengers. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man in the rear of the plane stands up. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. This guy is gorgeous. He’s tall, well built, with flowing black hair and piercing blue eyes. Slowly, he starts to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one stirs.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the handsome stranger approaches her. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her. He extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman and whispers:
“Here, iron this.”
Giving The Thumbs Up
A successful businessman flew to Las Vegas for a weekend of gambling. Unfortunately, he lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport, he could get himself home. So, he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the driver. He promised to send the cabbie money from home, offered him his credit card numbers, his driver’s license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. “If you don’t have fifteen bucks, get the hell out of my cab,” the cabbie yelled.
So, the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and arrived with barely enough time to catch his flight.
A year later, after having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, the businessman returned to Vegas and won big this time. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Lo and behold, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
He got in the first cab in the line. “How much for a ride to the airport?” he asked.
“Fifteen bucks,” came the reply.
“And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?” he asked.
“What? Get the hell out of my cab!” came the response.
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got back to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, “How much for a ride to the airport?”
“Fifteen bucks,” the cabbie replied.
The businessman agreed and off they went.
Then, as they slowly drove past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a huge smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.