Snoop Dogg & Anna Kendrick — “Winter Wonderland / Here Comes Santa Claus”
Please, For The Love Of God, Stop Going To Orgies During A Pandemic
Never thought that would be a sentence I’d type but here we are.
We’re steadily approaching one full year of the coronavirus pandemic and in that time we’ve learned that the virus is airborne, it affects everything from your lungs to your sense of taste to your toes, somehow, and the best way to protect yourself and your community is to stay home as much as you can, wear a mask (covering your mouth AND nose, people) whenever you’re in public, and avoid or cancel social gatherings.
I guess we still need to spend some time really outlining what constitutes a social gathering though, because, wow.
Last week another super spreader event was identified when over 40 people tested positive for COVID after attending Naughty in N’awlins… which is an annual swingers party. Now, I’m not a doctor, but if you’re in the middle of a pandemic trying to avoid catching a deadly infectious disease that’s spread through droplets in the air, probably don’t sign up for a three-day-long, 250-person sex party inside a contained hotel where literally all anyone is there to do is swap fluids.
I dunno, just a thought.
Apparently there were guidelines in place, though. Attendees had to wear masks and were told social distance, which, like, who could’ve predicted that trying to get people to distance from others and keep their mouths to themselves during a three day swingers event in New Orleans wouldn’t be super effective? I’m sure we’re all equally shocked. The event’s organizer expressed regret, saying, “If I could go back in time, I would not produce this event again.”
Yeah! Good! I should hope not!
It’s almost like the best way to prevent mass COVID infections at a giant sex party is to not have the giant sex party. Look, I get it, being stuck inside fucking sucks and you’re horny. But guess what! We’re all horny and stuck inside! That’s just the way shit has to be right now, guys! We all need to do our part and stay home so we can someday, finally get the hell through this thing. After that, we can all go forth and fornicate like rabbits.
For now though, suck it up and masturbate alone like everyone else.
Believe it or not this actually did happen.
Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10″.
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!…” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who BUYS this crap, anyway?”
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a “test drive.”
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”
20. Put M&M’s on layaway.
21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “…I’m Batman. Come, Robin–to the Batcave!”
*BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Very Impressive Interview Questions And Answers
Q: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A: Concrete floors are very hard to crack!
Q: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A: No time at all it is already built.
Q: If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A: Very large hands.
Q: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A: It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.
Q: How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A: No Problem, He sleeps at night.
Q: What looks like half apple?
A: The other half.
Q: What can you never eat for breakfast?
Q: What happened when wheel was invented?
A: It caused a revolution.
Q: Bay of Bengal is in which state?
Q: what is the opposite of Nag Panchmi?
A: Nag did not punch me
“Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired – you must register a new one.”
“Sorry, too few characters.”
“Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character.”
1 pretty rose
“Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.” >
“Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters.”
“Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character.”
“Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.”
“Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters.”
“Sorry, you cannot use punctuation.”
“Sorry, that password is already in use.”
Things Not To Say To A Policeman When He Pulls You Over
1. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
2. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!
3. You don’t happen to have any beer in your car do ya?
4. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
5. Did you happen to attend the “Barney Fife” Police Academy?
6. Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend’s night stand.
7. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
8. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
9. Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I am not speaking to you.
1. So what if I was speeding, whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?
11. Gee, officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
12. Aren’t you the guy from the village people?
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay just so one of us does.
14. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, that’s how far they are ahead of me.
15. Sorry I can’t hear you over the radio. No I am not turning it down, I love this song. Either speak up or just leave me alone.
16. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated, “What are the guys in the big suits doing?”
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.
Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said: “Watch out for these guys; they’ve come to steal your land.”
- Redneck Driving Etiquette -
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
- Redneck Personal Hygiene -
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
- Redneck Dining Out -
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
- Redneck Entertaining in Your Home -
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
If your dog falls in love with a guest’s leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
- Redneck Dating (Outside the Family) -
Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men’s bathroom wall two years ago.”
If a girl’s name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
- Redneck Theater Etiquette -
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
- Redneck Wedding Etiquette -
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
- Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions -
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always say “Excuse me” after getting sick in someone else’s car.
It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it’s considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
Facebook In The Real World
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the “thumbs up” and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.
Trying to sneak a pitch past Hank Aaron is like trying to sneak the sunrise past a rooster.
-Joe Adcock, Milwaukee Braves first baseman
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
I met a guy who was half Italian and half Chinese. His name was Video Pong.
It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Statistics always remind me of the fellow who drowned in a river whose average depth was three feet.
-Woody Hayes, Ohio State football coach
My wife made me a millionaire. I used to have three million.
I had a better year than he did.
-Babe Ruth, on why President Hoover made less than the $80,000 Ruth was demanding in 1930
All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, “See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.”
-Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on.
The good thing about stereotypes is they’re usually true.
We seem to have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
Last season we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.
-Harry Neale, NHL coach
I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you’re having trouble.
How do these celebrities stay so impossibly thin? Simple: They have full-time personal trainers, who advise them on nutrition, give them pep talks, and shoot them with tranquilizer darts whenever they try to crawl, on hunger-weakened limbs, toward the packet of rice cakes that constitutes the entire food supply in their 37,000-square-foot mansions. For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).
I left because of illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of me.
-John Ralston, former Denver Broncos coach
I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them.
The best way to turn a woman’s head is to tell her she has a beautiful profile.
It is best to read the weather forecasts before we pray for rain.
Philosophy consists very largely of one philosopher arguing that all other philosophers are jackasses. He usually proves it, and I should add that he also usually proves that he is one himself.
Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”
Winston Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”
Nancy Astor: “Sir, if you were my husband, I would give you poison.”
Churchill: “If I were your husband I would take it.”
Blind people come to the park just to listen to him pitch.
-Reggie Jackson, on Tom Seaver
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.