Friday Fun Stuff – 8-18-23

Back To School With The GOP

Classroom Rules

The Top Reasons That Parents Send Kids To School

• To scope out any single teachers for Daddy.
• To learn that useful Algebra stuff that every McDonald’s manager uses daily.
• No cable at home so the kids watch it at school and fill you in at dinner.
• After the same damn episode of Barney 2500 times, its either send them to school or drop them off at the dump at the outskirts of town.
• So someone else can deal with the psychotic little shits.
• Not getting enough paste in their diet at home.
• Easier to run escort service out of home when they’re not around.
• To study hard, and learn the fine art of perfect English to the point of getting a college degree just so you can use it for writing Top 10 Lists!

Well What Would You Say?

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”

The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”

One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!’”

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Grade Change Form

Date:

Dear Professor,

My grade in ____ should be raised from _____ to ____ because:

1. There must be a mistake somewhere.
2. I was not well at the time of the examination.
3. My mind always goes blank during an examination.
4. This mark ruined my prospect of getting a scholarship.
5. This is the only course in which I received a poor grade
6. This mark grieved my mother (or Father) whose pride I am.
7. Conditions in the room were not conductive to concentration.
8. The examination was unfair and unfairly distributed over the subject
9. I have to work after school and nights; therefore I should be given a break.
10. I am married; therefore, I should be given a break.
11. I would have done much better if I had taken the examination give to one of the other sections.
12. Several people around me copied from my paper during the examination yet they received higher marks than I did. Surely this is not fair.
13. The reason I did not do better is because I am very honest. I do no wish to say anything against any other members of the class.
14. I know many of the class members who do not work as hard as I do and who got a better grade. I am recognized among my classmates as a good student – you just ask any one of them.
15. The question were ambiguous, and therefore, my answers should be graded according to the reasonable interpretations that I made of your questions.
16. Many of the questions could not be answered with straight facts; they were matters of opinion. I do not believe I should be penalize just because my opinions differ from those of the instructor.
17. I have studied this subject from the broad philosophical viewpoint and therefore, I was unable to answer your technical-based question
18. I am philosophically oriented to the realm of ideas; I respond to the sweep and scope of great intellects. My work is beyond the interest in petty details and parrot-like memorizing of those who are merely students
19. At the time of the exam, I was suffering from a severe case of cognitive dissonance and was incapable of coping with the stress of the hour.
20. It is not a higher mark I seek; I care nothing about marks; I think marks are wicked and I disapprove of them. However, this pernicious system of which I am a victim requires marks for achieving success and therefore, I seek a higher mark.

Thank you,

Name:

Dear Mom and Dad,

Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is OK. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?

The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders.

It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He lets us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake.

It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

By the way, what is a pedophile?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy Vaseline. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Bobby

Kids Say The Darnedest Things

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “It’s the minister, Mommy,” the child said to her mother. Then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”
“And why not, darling?”
“You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”

Always Wear Underwear

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car breakdown in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead

A Glass Of Wine Or Water

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don’t and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand:

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) – bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of Shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I’m doing it as a public service

Keeping Seniors Busy

Yesterday, my daughter again asked me why I didn’t do something useful with my time. Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She said that she was “only thinking about me”, and suggested that I go down to the senior center, and hang out with the other old guys. I did this.

When I got home last night, I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, “Are you nuts? You’re 76 years old, and you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”

I proudly showed her that I even had a membership card. She looked at it and said, “Good grief Dad, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”

I told her, “Then I’m in real trouble because I’ve signed up for five jumps a week.”

She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can really be fun!

Homer Simpson Quotes

• Trying is the first step toward failure.
• Operator! Give me the number for 911!
• If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?
• I never apologize. I’m sorry but that’s the way I am.
• Marge, you know it’s rude to talk when my mouth is full.
• Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.
• If I could say a few words, I would be a better public speaker.
• Kids, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.
• I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
• The problem in the world today is communication; too much communication.
• It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
• I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.
• If God didn’t want me to eat chicken in church, then he would have made gluttony a sin.
• I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
• Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that volunteers don’t even get paid for the stuff they do?
• Weaseling out of things is important to learn; it’s what separates us from the animals; except the weasel.
• Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.
• Marge, try to understand. There are two types of college students, jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.
• I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

When I Am 100, If I Lean A Little, Just Let Me

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side..

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, ‘Hi, Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?’

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, ‘Bastards won’t let me fart.’

Because Killing You Is Worth Going Back To Prison