Jokes – Lists #1

Ways To Annoy The Guy In The Next Stall In A Public Bathroom
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”
2. Say, “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that.”
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, “Damn, this water’s cold.”
5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh shit! My glass eye!”
6. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet.
8. Sigh relaxingly.
9. Say, “Now how did that get there?”
10. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
11. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!”
12. Say, “Interesting… more floaters than sinkers.”
13. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?”
14. Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me.”
15. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.
16. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.”
17. Say, “Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”
18. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
19. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
20. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
21. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”.
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Dr. Seuss Books That Were Rejected By His Publisher
• The Cat in the Microwave
• Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
• Your Colon Can Moo-Can You?
• The Fox in Detox
• The Grinch’s Ten Inches
• One B!tch, Two B!tch, Dead B!tch, Blue B!tch
• Zippy the Gerbil
• My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
• Who Shat in the Hat?
• Horton Hires a Ho
• How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
• Aunts in My Pants
• One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
• The Flesh-Eating Lorax
• The Cat in the Blender
• Are You My Proctologist?
• Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
• Yentl the Lentil
• Horton Fakes an Orgasm
• Oh, the Places You’ll Scratch and Sniff!
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36 Educational Tips From 70s And 80s TV
Television has always had its share of out-there plots, weird characters and completely unbelievable moments. I got to thinking, what would it be like if someone my age had never gone to school, but instead had been raised by watching TV. Here are a few of the ways he might believe the world works.

The A-Team
36. I learned that it is possible to fire millions of rounds of ammo and throw several thousand grenades over the course of several years and never actually hit anybody with a bullet or wound anyone with flying shrapnel.

35. I learned that it is possible to afford said ammo and grenades without holding down a regular job and without charging half of the people who hire you for your mercenary services because they are too poor to pay you for it.

34. I learned that if you are a bad guy it is never a good idea to lock the A-Team into a garage well stocked with sheet metal and acetylene torches.

33. I learned that you can turn your regular old cargo van into an assault van (non-lethal, of course) with a ceiling fan, some plywood and a couple of wood screws.

32. I learned that being certifiably insane doesn’t necessarily preclude you from getting a helicopter pilot’s license.

31. I learned that large, scary men who are afraid of flying can be easily (and repeatedly) tricked into drinking drugged milk so that you can get them on an airplane.

30. I learned that guns don’t solve anything, but that highly explosive bombs made out of light bulbs, duct tape and various household cleaners do.

29. I learned that Richard Dean Anderson is about the only person in the world who looks cool wearing a mullet.

28. I learned that being an environmental activist and driving a gas-guzzling Jeep are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

The Dukes of Hazzard
27. I learned that hot women in short shorts can make boys as young as 6 feel a little funny in their nether regions.

26. I learned that Deputy Enos’ parents hated him. Why else would they have named him Enos?

25. I learned that mayoral corruption is a lucrative business as evidenced by the vast number of squad cars Boss Hogg had to buy over the years.

24. I learned that they make really heavy duty shock absorbers and car frames down in Hazzard County for every vehicle except police cars.

23. I learned that Uncle Jesse must have had a ton of brothers seeing as how Bo, Luke, Daisy and the two guys who filled in for Bo and Luke for awhile were all cousins to each other, none of them were Uncle Jesse’s kids and all of them had the last name of Duke.

22. I learned that apparently, all of Uncle Jesse’s brothers (and their wives) were either short-lived or they (and their wives) were deadbeat parents because none of them ever made an appearance in Hazzard County.

21. I learned that distilling and smuggling moonshine is a good, clean way to bond with your relatives.

Knight Rider
20. I learned that it is socially acceptable for a straight man to wear eye makeup as long as he drives a talking Trans Am.

19. I learned that if you ever own a talking car, never buy one with a British accent because no matter what it says it will always sound condescending.

Star Trek: The Next Generation
18. I learned that in the future no one will ever need to use the bathroom.

17. I learned that at some point between the time of Captain James T. Kirk and Captain Jean Luc Picard the Klingons experienced some sort of horrible accident which caused their entire race to develop large ridges in their noses and foreheads.

Happy Days
16. I learned that it is never a good idea to jump a shark on waterskis, even if you are wearing a leather jacket at the time. It’s not about safety people, it’s about ludicrousness.

15. I learned that it isn’t creepy at all (or illegal for that matter) for a man in his thirties to have sex with numerous high school girls as long as he is able to start up a jukebox by snapping his fingers.

14. I learned that Mr. Miyagi’s first name is actually Arnold and that before he taught martial arts to a certain baby-faced 30-year old who still lived with his mother, he was a restaurant owner/short-order cook.

Magnum P.I.
13. I learned that it is possible for a man to effectively fight crime while wearing extremely small (some might say testicle-endangeringly small) shorts, flip-flops and a baseball cap.

12. I learned that it is possible to have a mustache and leave your shirt unbuttoned to the navel, exposing your hairy chest in all its Selleck-y glory and not look like a washed up, 70’s era porno actor.

The Cosby Show
11. I learned that if you make enough money, you can wear whatever ugly sweaters you want to without being mocked by anyone.

10. I learned that it is possible for previously unmentioned Huxtable children to suddenly show up after several seasons without any kind of credible explanation of where they’ve been nor any indication of some kind of past family squabbles that would have kept them away for so long.

9. I learned that it is possible, though rare, for really young sitcom children to be funny and cute without crossing over into sickly sweet and annoying…although that got screwed up when they brought Raven-Symone onto the show.

8. I learned that hilarity will ensue if you have dangerously high cholesterol, but you ignore it and frequently sneak massive hoagies and potato chips when your wife isn’t around.

Little House On The Prairie
7. I learned what the word “b@stard” means. Absolutely true story: Having heard “b@stard” used on “Little House On The Prairie” I figured it wasn’t a bad word so I jokingly called my little brother that at the dinner table in front of my mother and she almost fainted. When she had composed herself she grilled me about where I had heard that word and then explained to me what it meant. Darn you Michael Landon for getting me in trouble and making me learn something in the process!

6. I learned that I should avoid any and all blonde girls named Nellie, as well as their mothers.

5. I learned that, over time, Half-Pints can eventually grow into Gallon Jugs. Giggidy.

4. I learned that it is possible to sit at the end of a bar for ten years while drinking copious amounts of beer and never have to pay your tab. [Would anyone who knows where this bar really exists email me the street address.]

3. I learned that owning/operating a bar is the best thing a recovering alcoholic can do on his road to sobriety.

2. I learned that Woody probably wasn’t as dumb as he seemed; he was just stoned out of his mind most of the time.

1. I learned that leaving one of the all-time greatest, most popular and most critically acclaimed sitcoms in television history to star in “Troop Beverly Hills” is not the smartest of career moves.
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Australian Tourist Website
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATM’s (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do…

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is… Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.
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F My Life
These are from web site called and I only hope their made up.

Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living. FML

Today, I’m starting my 28th year with 28 cents in my bank account. FML

Today, I stood by the wall at a party while everyone else danced and ignored me. It was my birthday party. FML

Today, I took a friend out for what I thought was date. After dinner was over and I paid, she pulled the bill out and wrote her name & phone number on it for the waiter. FML

Today, I went to the Doctor with my parents. When the doctor asked if I was se xually active, I said ‘Yes.’ My mom laughed and said ‘Good one.’ My dad, for added effect said, ‘Your hand doesn’t count.’ FML

Today, I took my friend to buy a pregnancy test. She took it and it came out negative. I decided to re-pee on it to be funny…it turned to positive. FML

Today, I got accepted to Yale University. My parents response: “We never expected you to get into college. We spent all of our savings on sending your brother to school.” FML

Today, I submitted my picture to a singles website. It was rejected because I didn’t clarify which person I was. The picture was of my dog and me. FML

Today, I found out that my parents can see a screen-by-screen of everything I say and do on my computer. FML

Today, after weeks of agonizing, I told my best friend (who I am madly in love with) that I love her. She said: “me too, you’re like a brother and a best girlfriend rolled into one!” FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and said I was not ‘Christian enough’ for her. Later I found out she had been cheating on me with my best friend. FML

Today, a child sitting next to me on the bus pointed at me and asked: “Mommy, when it’s not a man and it’s not a woman, what is it then?” FML
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Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
2. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, “Got enough air in there?”
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, “I’ve got new socks on!”
10. Meow occasionally.
11. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
12. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
13. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
14. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
15. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”
16. Say “Ding!” at each floor.
17. Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
18. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
19. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
20. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
21. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
22. Meow occasionally.
23. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
24. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
26. Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
27. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
28. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
29. Burp, and then say “mmmm…tasty!”
30. Leave a box between the doors.
31. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
32. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.
33. Start a sing-along.
34. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your phone?”
35. Pay the harmonica.
36. Shadow box.
37. Say “Ding!” at each floor.
38. Lean against the button panel.
39. Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
40. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
41. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
42. Bring a chair along.
43. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
44. Blow spit bubbles.
45. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
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Stickers Seen On Military Bases
“When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine”
“Marine Sniper – You can run, but you’ll just die tired!”
“Machine Gunners – Accuracy By Volume”
“Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything.”
“U.S. Marines – Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club.”
“U.S. Air Force – Travel Agents To Allah”
“Stop Global Whining”
Naval Corollary: Dead Men Don’t Testify.
“The Marine Corps – When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight”
“Death Smiles At Everyone – Marines Smile Back”
“What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil”
“Marines – Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775″
“Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It”
“Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon”
“It’s God’s Job to Forgive Bin Laden – It’s Our Job To Arrange The Meeting”
“Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl”
“One Shot, Twelve Kills – U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support”
“My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College”
“A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy – Blessed Be The Peacemakers”
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Top 10 Drug Addicted Cartoon Characters
10. Gargamel (From the Smurfs)
Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?

9. Olive Oyl
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she is always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? What is it, her personality? NOT!

8. Snagglepuss
Can’t explain it. Maybe it’s the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.

7. He-Man
This is an easy one. I mean c’mon. Roid monkey #1. “BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!” Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects his pet tiger. Can we say “Animal Abuse”?

6.& 5. Yogi and Boo Boo
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip.

4. Droopy
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can’t someone slip him an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe. Sort of makes you wonder.

3. Dopey Dwarf
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the other guys are sneaking his stash.

2. Daffy Duck
If he isn’t using crack, Marion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from “daffiness” but Haldol wouldn’t work for him.

1. Shaggy
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode smokes pot, no if, ands, or, buts about it. And look at the way him and his friends painted that van! Pretty rad design dude.
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You Know It's Going To Be A BAD DAY When...
1. You wake up face down on the pavement.
2. You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.
3. You turn on the morning news, and they’re showing emergency routes out of your city.
4. Your bar of Ivory soap sinks.
5. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
6. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
7. Your horn gets stuck when you’re following a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.
8. You get to work and there’s a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your outer office.
9. Your four-year-old wakes you up with the news that it’s almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
10. Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat.
11. Your pet rock snaps at you.
12. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
13. You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke, and then realize that you don’t have a waterbed.
14. Your income tax refund check bounces.
15. Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate.
16. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
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You Know Your In Southern California If:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $250,000 and still can’t afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, & is named Breeze.
5. You can’t remember…is pot illegal?
6. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
7. You also know which Brentwood restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
8. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
9. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
10. Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don’t even notice.
12. A woman gets on the bus with live poultry. You don’t even notice.
13. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
14. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
15. The gym is packed at 3 PM….on a workday.
16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
17. It’s sprinkling and there’s a report on every news station about “STORM WATCH 2005″.
18. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
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Rules For Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!
5. When people say, while watching a film, “Did you see that?”. No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya, Sunshine?
7. When something is “new and improved!”…Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn’t be new.
8. When people say “life is short”. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever experiences!! What can you do that’s longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, Dumb-ass?
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Things You Don't Want To Hear During Your Trip
10. “We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start at $20.”

9. “I’m sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat on board. We don’t yet know the effects of high radiation on our feline friends. And we are required to check your bags.”

8. “Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage and no, you don’t want to know its origin. I recommend you refrain from opening your suitcase.”

7. “Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that’s why the security officer had to confiscate them. What? He’s smoking them? Hey! You rat! Save some for me!”

6. “I’m sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover punctures in your bags caused by our checking attendants. No, it also does not cover airline crashes. It does cover explosions prior to takeoff, however, and is our most commonly purchased package.”

5. “Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been delayed.”

4. “For those who have never flown before or who have never heard about the concept of a flying machine: We are currently experiencing ‘turbulence,’ a common by-product of ‘air travel.’ Please refrain from screams of mortal danger until we’ve safely landed.”

3. “Madam, please take your towel now, the tongs are melting.”

2. “We apologize for the delay. Due to extenuating circumstances, our pilot is experiencing difficulties with his sobriety level. Please allow sufficient time for him to have additional shots of tequila.”

1. “This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar… oh, crap!”
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Things That Never Happen On Star Trek
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered before.
2. The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists who are all perfectly all right.
3. The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form, wearing a silly hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
6. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise’s computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
7. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
8. A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a ‘fuse’.
9. The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
12. The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
13. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify with candy.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in no way connected with the 20th century.
15. Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn’t explode or crash.
16. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, and some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone’s satisfaction.
17. The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
18. The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny day
19. An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, “would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant.”
20. A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
21. Picard hears the door chime and doesn’t bother to say “Come.”
22. Picard doesn’t answer a suggestion with “Make it so”!
23. Picard walks up to a replicator and says, “Coke on ice.”
24. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
25. Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi’s position.
26. Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, “Did he read you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He’s MINE!”
27. When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says “On screen.”
28. Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise’s hails.
29. Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn’t done in “Deja Vu” then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).
30. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
31. Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).
32. The warp engines start acting up a bit, but then seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
33. Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.
34. Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
35. Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.
36. Data falls in love with the replicator.
37. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn’t tragically separated from her at the end of the episode. [or even: Kirk (or Riker) meets an attractive woman and does not fall in love.]
38. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
39. An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.
40. Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
41. Kirk’s hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.
42. Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn’t rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk DOESN’T get into a fistfight…)
43. Kirk doesn’t end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn’t sacrifice herself for him.
44. Scotty doesn’t mention the laws of physics
45. Spock isn’t the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race/etc!! due to his “darn green blood” or “bizarre Vulcan physiology” and thus he cannot save the day.
46. The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock’s inability to understand the joke, and he doesn’t raise his eyebrow.
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A Short History Of Medicine:
I have an ear ache.
2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. – That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
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Friday The 13th
Today is Friday the 13th, unluckiest day of the year, so don’t take any unnecessary chances:
• Do not tell National Rifle Klan jokes at the Militia Expo.
• Do not offer to give away your Beanie Baby at a soccer mom’s convention.
• Do not invest heavily in a product called Howard Stern’s Ultra-Hold Flea Spray.
• Do not give Sammy “The Bull” Gravano a lecture on family values.
• If you’re going out for Chinese, do not order the black-cat soup.
• Do not tell doctor jokes during your prostate exam.

Important things to remember on Friday the 13th:
• Never trust a rabbit that tries to sell you his foot.
• Never walk under a mirror or break a black cat.
• 4-leaf clovers are lucky today — but not if you smoke them.
• The number “13″ is very unlucky–especially if it’s the only one you can get on the drugstore blood pressure machine.
• It is very unlucky today if a black crosses your path or gets flushed down your toilet.
• Walking under a ladder can be very unlucky today — especially if it’s at the drugstore the 16-year-old with zits is climbing down with a barbecue grill.
• Stepping on a cricket can very extremely unlucky today — especially for the cricket.
• Wearing garlic around your neck today will ward off evil spirits. It will also ward off good spirits, indifferent spirits, and any other spirits with noses.
• A rabbit’s foot is not lucky. If you don’t believe me, ask the rabbit.
• Wearing a lucky penny between your toes means good luck and blisters.
• For good luck, hang a horseshoe over your front door. For really good luck, hang the entire horse over your front door.
• Step on a crack, break your mother’s back. But don’t worry about it. After rearing you, mom probably would enjoy traction.
• Horseshoes usually bring good luck today, but never trust a horse that wears high heels.
• If you think walking under a step-ladder is unlucky, try walking under your step-mother.
• A rabbit’s foot can be lucky, unless the rabbit sets foot in your garden, in which case he’ll probably eat your string beans.
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I Just Knew I Was In Big Trouble At Work When:
…the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.
…the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.
…my assistant began responding to my memos with, “Yeah, whatever.”
…I get a “It’s for you loser” sound file when receiving e-mail instead of a chime.
…my new Pentium was replaced with a 386sx-16 last weekend.
…the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.
…the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.
…I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.
…my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.
…my secretary says things like “Get the phone, my nails aren’t dry.”
…three people began helping me write a “desk manual” for my job.
…the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.
…a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.
…the receptionist began saying “Who?” to anyone calling for me.
…theirs a film crew from 60 Minutes waiting outside my office.
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Senior Personal Ads
(As seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers)
Who says seniors don’t have a sense of humor?

Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80′s, slim, 5′-4″ (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights, and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.

I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Not in running condition but walks well.
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How To Get Back At Telemarketers
Tired of those irritating credit card sales, mobile companies, insurance calls, etc…here’s 10 ways get back at them

1 After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.
2 Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her, if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.
3 Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
4 Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
5 Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.
6 Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up…. Louder… Louder… Louder!
7 If they start out with, “How are you today?”, say “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems….”
8 Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.
9 Cry out in surprise, “Helen, is that you? I’ve been hoping you’d call! How is the family?” When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.
10 Tell the AT&T call center guy to call on your office number – and give him the AT&T call centre number.
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Top 10 Bumper Stickers On The U.S.S. Enterprise
“Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!”
“One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day…think about it”
“HONK if you’ve slept with Commander Riker!”
“Guns don’t kill people…Class 2 Phasers do!”
“Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!”
“CAUTION…We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical.”
“If you can read this…don’t you think you’re a wee bit too close?”
“Have you hugged a Ferengi today?”
“We brake for cubes!”
“Wesley On Board!”
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Actual Notes From Hospital Charts:
1. The patient refused autopsy. (I’m guessing this was supposed to be Biopsy)
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
21. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
7. Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
8. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?
10. Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called “after dark” When it really is “after light”?
12. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
14. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
15. Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas – What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

I dunno, why do we?
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Funny Signs
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

Pizza shop slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blow out.”

Door of a plastic surgeons office:
“Hello, can we pick your nose?”

Sign at the psychic’s hotline:
“Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”

At a laundry shop:
“How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?”

Billboard on the side of the road:
“Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.”

On an electricians truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”

In a non-smoking area:
“If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On maternity room door:
“Push, Push, Push.”

At an optometrists office
“If you don’t see what your looking for you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Butchers window:
“Let me meat your needs.”

On a fence:
“Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive.”

Outside a muffler shop:
“No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.”

On a desk in a reception room:
“We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left.”

In a veterinarians waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!”

In a restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”

Inside a bowling alley:
“Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.”

In the front yard of a funeral home:
“Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”

In a counselors office:
“Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

At a Santa Fe gas station:
“We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.”

In a New York restaurant:
“Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.”

In a Los Angeles dance hall:
“Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.”

In a Florida maternity ward:
“No children allowed.”

In a New York drugstore:
“We dispense with accuracy.”

In the offices of a loan company:
“Ask about our plans for owning your home.”

In a New York medical building:
“Mental Health Prevention Center”

On a Maine shop:
“Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”

At a number of military bases:
“Restricted to unauthorized personnel.”

On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards:
“Now available in multi-packs.”

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
“Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.”

In a funeral parlor:
“Ask about our layaway plan.”

On a shopping mall marquee:
“Archery Tournament — Ears pierced”

Outside a country shop:
“We buy junk and sell antiques.”

In the window of an Oregon store:
“Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”

In a Maine restaurant:
“Open 7 days a week and weekends.”

On a radiator repair garage:
“Best place to take a leak.”

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
“Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”

On the grounds of a public school:
“No trespassing without permission.”

On a Tennessee highway:
“When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
“If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.”

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, “Do not throw stones at this sign.”
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Top 15 Signs You Drank Too Much
15- You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping with your Oldsmobile.
14- Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13- Thanks to you, Jack Daniel’s stock is up 25 % since Friday.
12- Keith Richards called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11- For some reason, there’s salt on the rim of your basketball net.
10- Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bee’s pancakes.
9- For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could’ve bought the automobile.
8- You’re now the proud inventor of the “Slim Jim”: Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7- Your answering machine is full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6- Absolute wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5- Yet again, another dry cleaner employee greets you with, “Hey, it’s Vomit Man!”
4- The doorman asks for your ID just to see how long it’ll take you to find your pants.
3- Your liver leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2- Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1- You’re now sober enough to realize “Drink Canada Dry” is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
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Bart's Chalkboard
The opening credits of “The Simpsons” shows Bart Simpson writing on the school chalk board the same sentence over and over again, (the ole “write it 100 times” punishment). Each episode however the sentence is different. Someone (not me, thank you) went to the trouble to tape the shows, watch and copy down many of the sentences that Bart writes on the chalkboard.

1. I will not carve gods.
2. I will not spank others.
3. I will not aim for the head.
4. I will not barf unless I’m sick
5. I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
6. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge.
7. I will not conduct my own fire drills.
8. Funny noises are not funny.
9. I will not snap bras.
10. I will not fake seizures.
11. This punishment is not boring and pointless.
12. My name is not Dr. Death.
13. I will not defame New Orleans.
14. I will not prescribe medication.
15. I will not bury the new kid.
16. I will not teach others to fly.
17. I will not bring sheep to class.
18. A burp is not an answer.
19. Teacher is not a leper.
20. Coffee is not for kids.
21. I will not eat things for money.
22. I will not yell “She’s Dead” at roll call.
23. The principal’s toupee is not a Frisbee.
24. I will not call the principal “spud head”.
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Top Reasons Why It's Great To Be French
• Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
• You get to eat insect food like snails and frog’s legs
• If there’s a war you can surrender really early
• You don’t have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
• You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people’s countries
• You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
• Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
• People think you’re a great lover even when you’re not
• If your a kid you get to eat to drink wine in school instead of milk at taxpayers expense.
• If you don’t like how the government is working you can just call a nationwide strike and the government has to do what you want.
• Best food in the world…and no one believes you so they won’t try to copy it.
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Lawyer Jokes
• What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
   A good start!
• What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
   There are skid marks in front of the dog.
• Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
   Professional courtesy.
• What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
   Not enough sand.
• How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
   Cut the rope.
• Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
   Take your foot off his head.
• What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
   The bucket.
• What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
   When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
• What is the definition of a “crying shame”?
   There was an empty seat.
• What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?
   Stick his bill up his ass.
• What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
   An offer you can’t understand
• Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
   From chasing parked ambulances.
• Where can you find a good lawyer?
   In the cemetery
• What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
   A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
• What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
   A vampire only sucks blood at night.
• Why to lawyers wear neckties?
   To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
• If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him?
   It might be your bicycle.
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Useful Expressions For Those HIGH STRESS Days
1. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
2. Are you coming on to me or having a seizure?
3. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
4. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
5. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
7. You! Off my planet!!
8. Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
9. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
10. I like cats too. Let’s exchange recipes.
11. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
12. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
13. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
14. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
15. I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
16. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
17. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
18. I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
19. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
20. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
22. I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
23. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
24. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
25. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
26. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 2?
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Just smile and say “Yes, Mistress.”
29. Chaos, panic, and disorder – my work here is done.
30. Earth is full. Go home.
31. Is it time for your medication or mine?
32. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
33. I plead contemporary insanity.
34. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
35. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
36. When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.
37. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
40. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth
41. How about “never”? Is “never” good for you?
42. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
43. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
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You know it's going to be a BAD DAY when...
1. You wake up face down on the pavement.
2. You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.
3. You turn on the morning news, and they’re showing emergency routes out of your city.
4. Your bar of Ivory soap sinks.
5. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
6. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
7. Your horn gets stuck when you’re following a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.
8. You get to work and there’s a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your outer office.
9. Your four-year-old wakes you up with the news that it’s almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
10. Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat.
11. Your pet rock snaps at you.
12. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
13. You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke, and then realize that you don’t have a waterbed.
14. Your income tax refund check bounces.
15. Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate.
16. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
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The Cynic's Dictionary (Q - Z)
Any situation more easily entered into than exited from; e.g., a guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an insurance salesman.

What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.

Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when addressing one in person.

Sitting on one’s inner demon to keep it decorously immobilized, by anyone who attempts to exchange pleasantries with a tyrannical boss.

An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become an oppressor.

The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.

To expose a portion of one’s skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a fellow human.

A performer who makes more than his or her agent.


A performer who makes more than Guatemala.

Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question “How are you?” in the negative.

Latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast American hinterland; humble places of abode where hope dies young and tornadoes gravitate like flies to road kill.

The usual alternative to overwork.

The one place where all men are peers.

1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room.
2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.

The most convincing argument against the theory of white racial superiority.

A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.

A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create new ones for future examinations to reveal.

A line of genes designed for men only; the cause of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a disinclination to ask for directions when lost.

A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.

A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats.
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Ways To Creep People Out And Have Fun Doing It
1. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
2. Honk and wave to strangers.
3. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
5. type only in lowercase.
6. dont use any punctuation either
7. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
8. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
9. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
11. Ask people what gender they are.
12. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
13. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
14. Sing along at the opera.
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In a Tokyo Hotel:
“Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.”

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
“The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.”

In a Leipzig elevator:
“Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.”

In Akko, Israel:
“Lamp Chops”

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
“To more the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.”

In a Paris hotel elevator:
“Please leave your values at the front desk.”

In a hotel in Athens:
“Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.”

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
“The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the fob of the chambermaid.”

In a Japanese hotel:
“You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
“You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.”

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
“Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.”

On the menu in a Swiss restaurant:
“Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.”

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
“Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.”

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
“Ladies may have a fit upstairs.”

In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s:
“Drop your trousers here for best results.”

Outside a Paris dress shop:
“Dresses for street walking.”

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
“Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.”

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
“There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.”

A sign posted in Germany’s Black forest:
“It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.”

In a Zurich hotel:
“Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.”

In and advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
“Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.”

In a Rome laundry:
“Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.”

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
“Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages.”

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
“Would you like to ride on your own ass?”

In a Bangkok temple:
“It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.”

In a Tokyo bar:
“Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.”

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
“We take your bags and send them in all directions.”

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
“If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.”

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
“ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.”

In a Budapest zoo:
“Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.”

In the office of a Roman doctor:
“Specialist in women and other diseases.”

In an Acapulco hotel:
“The manager has personally passed all the water served here.”

In a Tokyo shop:
“Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.”

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
“Cools and Heats: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.”

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
“When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.”

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
“- English well talking.”
“- Here speeching American.”
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Beer Troubleshooting
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
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Telemarketing Repellant
1. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
2. Say “no” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
3. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?”
4. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout…”
5. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”
6. Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.
7. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Ken, playing a joke. “Come on, Ken, cut it out! Seriously, Ken, how’s your mom?”
8. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
9. When the salesperson asks, “Is this the homeowner?” say, “Is this the salesperson?” And when they say, “Yes,” hang up.
10. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their home phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me either!” Hang up.
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Crazy California Laws
Believe it or not these are all legitimate laws that at one time or another were on the books. The scary thing is that some of them still are.

California State
• Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
• Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
• Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
• Bathhouses are against the law.
• In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
• No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
• Women may not drive in a house coat.
• It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

Baldwin Park
Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

City Council order reads: “No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash.”

You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

• Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
• Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).

It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

It is illegal to own or sell “Silly String”.

It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

Long Beach
• It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
• Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.

Los Angeles
• Toads may not be licked.
• You may not hunt moths under a street light.
• It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.
• You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
• Zoot suits are prohibited.
• It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
• It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

Pacific Grove
Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

Palm Springs
It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is walking ahead of it.

One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o’clock.

San Diego
• The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.
• It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.

San Francisco
• Persons classified as “ugly” may not walk down any street.
• Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.
• It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
• It is illegal to wipe one’s car with used underwear.

San Jose
It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595

Santa Monica
You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.
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Instructions For Giving Your Cat A Pill
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14. Arrange for vet to make a house call.
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Bumper Stickers
• I love animals, they taste great.
• EARTH FIRST! We’ll strip mine the other planets later.
• “Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest!
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
• I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it.
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
• Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
• Okay, who put a “stop payment” on my reality check?
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
• I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got!
• You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
• Don’t get me mad! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies!
• You are depriving some poor village of its idiot!
• My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
• It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• Don’t drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill it.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• Always remember you’re unique…Just like everyone else.
• Better living through denial
• Ambivalent? Well yes and no….
• Does your train of thought have a caboose?
• Is it time for your medication or mine?
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck
• How do I set the laser printer to stun?
• I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert….
• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
• Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
• I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
• And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be … ?
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.”
• Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
• Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
• Adults are just kids who owe money.
• Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
• I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
• You! Off my planet!
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
• Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
• I’m just driving this way to get you mad.
• Keep honking, I’m reloading.
• Hang up and drive.
• Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
• I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
• A penny saved is ridiculous.
• Death is Nature’s way of saying ‘slow down’.
• Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
• Earn cash in your spare time…blackmail friends.
• Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• Herblock’s Law: If it’s good, they will stop making it.
• History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
• It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
• It works better if you plug it in.
• Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
• The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
• Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
• Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• “I love cats…they taste just like chicken”
• “Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.”
• “I souport publik edekasion”
• “We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.”
• “I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.”
• “I Brake For No Apparent Reason.”
• “No Radio – Already Stolen”
• “Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.”
• “I’m out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?”
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
• Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
• Life is too complicated in the morning.
• All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
• The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
• My karma ran over your dogma.
• I brake for… wait… AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!
• A fool and his money are a girl’s best friend.
• I’m not driving fast-just flying low.
• My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!
• Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
• “I is a college student.”
• If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
• Be nice to your kids…They will pick out your nursing home.
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Signs You're From New York
• You say “the city” and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
• You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.
• You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
• You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
• The homeless are invisible.
• The subway makes sense.
• The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.
• You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
• You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.
• You’ve considered stabbing someone just for saying “The Big Apple”.
• Your door has more than three locks.
• You go to a hockey game for the fighting…In the stands…To participate.
• Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.
• The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
• You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
• You call an 8′ x 10′ plot of patchy grass a yard.
• You complain about having to mow it.
• You are a skee-ball juggernaut.
• You consider Westchester “Upstate”.
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Things To Check The Salad Bar For Before You Load Your Plate Up
• Anything that’s moving.
• Green Carrots.
• Moldy Croutons.
• Body parts.
• Blood in the French Dressing.
• A cucumber slice with a bite out of it.
• I’ve seen the movie…they could be there so watch out for Killer Tomatoes!!!
• Lettuce that closely resembles Astroturf.
• How should I put this…let’s just that the sneeze guard didn’t do its job and there’s something phlegm related in the radishes.
• The body of Harold, the dim-witted drive thru clerk who kept messing up orders, under the ice on the bar.
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Excuses For Sleeping At Work
1. ”They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
2. ”This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.”
3. ”Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!”
4. ”I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.”
5. ”I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”
6. ”I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?”
7. ”Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
8. ”The coffee machine is broken…”
9. ”Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot…”
10. ”… Jesus’ name, Amen.”
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New Medications
Advances in science have lead to new medicines that make the lives of women around the world a little better…
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

St. Mom’s Wort
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, “You make me want to be a better person?”

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-One-all
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or a book by
Dr. Laura.

Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

More effective than Excedrin in treating the, “Not now, dear, I have a headache,” syndrome.

When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging at him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
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Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say
10. Well, how ’bout that?… I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for un-chaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude … I like that.
7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car — GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies — you know — that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring — now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father’s Day? aahh — don’t worry about that — it’s no big deal.
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Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark
• “How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?”
• “If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.”
• “As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me. Like the need for therapy…”
• “Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!”
• “Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it later.”
• “Sorry things didn’t work out, but I can’t handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine.”
• “I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”
• “Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?”
• “You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…. I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”
• “Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday —so we’re having you put to sleep.”
• “Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!” (available only in Arkansas)
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Fun Things To Do At A Drive Thru
• Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
• Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.
• Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
• Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
• Pay for a large order in pennies unwrapped.
• Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
• When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.
• Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
• Ask how they fit into that little box.
• If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
• Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said “May I take your order?”
• When asked if they can take your order say “No, why can’t I take yours?”
• If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
• Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.
• Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
• Order a cup of water and two napkins. That’s it.
• Don’t order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
• When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.
• Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don’t break your stare.
• Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
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Things You'd Love To Say...But Don't Dare
• I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of crap.
• I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
• I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
• I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
• It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
• Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again…
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don’t give a darn.
• Visualizing? I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent.
• Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
• I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
• This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
• I started out with nothing & still have most of it left!
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed it.
• I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
• Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
• Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• File that under “Never”.
• Do I look like a people person?
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
• Oh I get it… like humor… but different
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Life's Lost Laws
1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity

2. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

3. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

4. Deja moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they’re OK, you’re it.

6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

11. Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

14. TJ’s Law: You can’t fall off the floor.

15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.

16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.

18. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Number 16 of course, came from Mark Twain
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Strange Headlines
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn’t you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
How did he do that?

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Good for nothing lazy so and so’s!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is….

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
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Favorite Activities Of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard
1. Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying “I could have had a V-8!”
2. Yelling “Punchbuggy!” and hitting Riker’s arm whenever he sees a shuttlecraft
3. Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
4. Spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead
5. Lecturing everybody on why it’s rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms
6. Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there
7. Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her “a REAL Picard Maneuver”
8. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking “Are those Bugle Boy jeans you’re wearing?”
9. Telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, “Go ahead, Make it so”
10. Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up
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Ways Of Knowing You're Living In Arizona
• You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
• You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
• You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
• You can make instant sun tea.
• You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
• The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
• You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
• You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
• You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
• Hot water now comes out of both taps.
• It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
• You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
• You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
• No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
• Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
• You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
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Funny Answering Machine Messages
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers
“My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.”

“A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.”

“Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.”

“Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.”

“Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.”

“This is not an answering machine—this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.”

“Hi. I am probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.”

“If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.”

“Hi! (insert your name here)’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.”

“Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today’s commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not. . . er. . . bear a. . . er. . . shalt not witness thy. . . uh. . . neighbor’s ass, oh, I mean, false. . . er. . . shalt not commit a bear. . . darn.”

“I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it…I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.”

“After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I’ll get back to you as soon as it’s safe for you to come out of hiding.”

“You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your will power and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.”

“This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.”

“Next on Public Radio 91 we’ll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72.”

“Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can’t come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange…mother…unicorn… aardvark. I’ll get back to you with my diagnose is as soon as possible.”

[VOICE 1] “Answer the phone, please, Hal.”
[VOICE 2] ”I’m sorry, Dave, I can’t do that.”

“Hello? This is *NOT* an answering machine; it is a long distance thought-analysis system. Right now, you are thinking ‘I wonder who (insert your name here) seeing at the moment?”; Well, if you leave a message maybe they will call and tell you when they get back. And, oh, yes if you are the plumber, Thursday will be just fine, say 10:30?”

“At the tone, the time will be 11 hours 59 minutes and 50 seconds At the tone, the time will be 12 hours precisely(this continues for 3 minutes, then continues) ‘This call has been charged at $0.95 per minute prime time or $0.70 off peak. Please leave your message when you hear the tone . “

(Taped from Star Trek, Lieut. Uhura’s voice) “Captain; I have a message coming in on channel three, the hailing frequency…It’s very faint, Sir, I can hardly make it out.”

“Hello caller on line 3; you’re on-air now; can you tell us what are your views on the rigorously existentialist, Sartrian discussion we have heard so far?”

“Hello; this is the New York Fire Department; we’ve all gone to a movie. If you have a fire, we suggest that you try throwing water on it until we get back and can do something for you. Oh, and please remember to hang up your receiver after this call – we may want to call you back to confirm the location of the fire.”
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How Brokeback Mountain Gave New Meaning To Western Dialogue
1. “I’m gonna pump you fulla lead!”
2. “Give me a stiff one, barkeep!”
3. “Don’t fret…I’ve been in tight spots before.”
4. “Howdy, pardner.”
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind.”
6. Two words: “Saddle Sore.”
7. “Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like.”
8. “Let’s mount up!”
9. “Nice spread ya got there!”
10. “Ride’em cowboy!”
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The World's Shortest Books
25. My Plan To Find The Real Killers By O.J. Simpson
24. The Catholic Guide To Great Se x
23. To All The Men I’ve Loved Before By Ellen Degeneres
22. The Difference Between Reality And Dilbert
21. Human Rights Advances In China
20. Things I Would Not Do For Money By Dennis Rodman
19. The Wild Years By Al Gore
18. Amelia Earhart’s Guide To The Pacific Ocean
17. America’s Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors
15. Detroit – A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways To Spell Bob
13. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection Of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy Unix
11. Ethiopian Tips On World Dominance
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman’s Big Book Of Baby Names
6. How To Sustain A Musical Career By Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson’s Guide To Dating Etiquette
4. Spotted Owl Recipes By Green Peace
3. Staple Your Way To Success
2. The Amish Phone Directory
1. The Book Of Virtues by Bill Clinton
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Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee
• You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
• Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
• The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
• Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
• You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
• You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can thread a sewing machine, while it’s running.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
• You don’t tan, you roast.
• You can’t even remember your second cup.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
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Fun Things To Do At A Bowling Alley
• Every time you throw exclaim “TAKE THAT, YOU!!!” continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.
• Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to plate tectonics then loose him in lingo. Demand Compensation.
• Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire.
• Wear Golf Shoes.
• Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.
• Dress up like an Amish man. Give speeches to others against the high technology used in bowling.
• Play bocce with extra lane balls
• Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about plate tectonics again
• Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tongues, then sit down as if nothing happened.
• Bring full fishing gear, ask how they’re biting
• Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off.
• Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
• Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers.
• Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted.
• Make your presence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours.
• Root for the other team- Bring Banners.
• Make fun of your team- Bring Rotten Tomatoes.
• Tell the rival team captain that you just met his “little girl” walk away mumbling “how bad things happen”
• Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments
• Even if you miss totally–At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEEEEERIKE
• Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.
• Rent all the lanes, don’t bowl
• Rent all the shoes, eat them
• Blatantly underscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating
• When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball, run home.
• If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutter balls, blame plate tectonics
• Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone
• Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.
• Super Glue Police Whistles to the hand-dryers…leave town
• Walk around asking people why they are here, do this the whole night
• Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an announcement, expond on the sins of bowling
• Name your ball something like “KILLER”, Openly boast to everyone how great you are, bowl terribly. Do this all night
• Sit in your lane and heckle others with a Bull Horn.
• Bring a dart gun…Be inventive.
• Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.
• Run around sprinkling “MAGIC FAIRY DUST” on everyone’s balls. Tar works nice.
• Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night, that doesn’t even have a Entrance fee. Advertise it using Every Mass Media known to man, make the 3rd Prize: $10,000 and a Porsche, 2nd Prize: $50,000 and a trip to Europe, 1st Prize: A coffee mug. Then sit back a watch the fights…..leave or cancel the whole thing.
• Hand out Pamphlets on plate tectonics.
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How To Start A Fight
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Se x?’
‘No,’ she answered. I then said,
‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes.’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started……

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office…
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started…

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started……..
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Signs You're In A Bad Nursing Home
• Its named Heaven’s Waiting Room.
• Black and white community TV still has tinfoil wrapped around rabbit ears antenna.
• Defibrillator doubles as a remote control.
• Its named Matlock Manor.
• The beds are actually caskets.
• Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.
• You can’t ring a nurse but you can page the attorney’s office down the hall.
• Rectal thermometers made of wood.
• Two words: Community Bedpan.
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Tube Drivers On The London Underground
Below are genuine announcements made by Tube Drivers on the London Underground. (The Tube is the London subway system).
At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): “Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like Sardines, see if I care, I’m going home.”

“Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels.”

“Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.”

“Please mind the closing doors…” The doors close… The doors reopen. “Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let’s try it again. Please stand clear of the doors.” The doors close… “Thank you.”

“I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don’t know when we’ll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly…usually in bits.”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologies for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, we apologies for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…’.”

“We are now traveling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that.”

“Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me.”

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: “Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen. Unfortunately, towels are not provided.”

“Please allow the doors to close! Try not to confuse this with: ‘Please hold the doors open’. The two are distinct and separate instructions.”

“Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.”

“To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage – what part of ‘Stand Clear of the Doors’ don’t you understand?”

“Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause…) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train – put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your #@&%! – sideways.”
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