Signs You Don't Have Enough To Do At Work
• You find yourself looking forward to your next random drug test
• You’ve already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar
• You pick up the phone to make sure it’s working
• You find yourself actually hoping for some e-mail about anything
• You’ve actually figured out a way to get Gilligan off that island
• You read the Bulletin Board looking for “Break-Thru” teams to join
• People only come into your office to borrow pencils from your ceiling
• You back up your hard drive, daily
• All pencils, pens and markers are arranged according to height and color
• You check the supply closet to see what new stuff has come in
• You have already checked out all of the New and What’s Hot sites on the Net
• Calendar item: Tuesday 8:00am — Discuss Soap Opera at the water cooler
• You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces image of Elvis
• You see how many Pepsi’s you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs
• You’re actually half-way thru reading this month’s “Total Quality Newsletter”
• The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry on your desk
• You no longer photocopy your butt — you scan it and enhance it with PhotoShop
• You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarves
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Manager's Journal: The Dilbert Principle
By Scott Adams
I use a lot of “bad boss” themes in my syndicated cartoon strip, “Dilbert.” I’ll never run out of material. I get a hundred e-mail messages a day, mostly from people who are complaining about their own clueless managers. Here are some of my favorite stories, all allegedly true:
• A vice president insists that the company’s new battery-powered product be equipped with a light that comes on to tell you when the power is off.
• An employee suggests setting priorities so they’ll know how to apply their limited resources. The manager’s response: “Why can’t we concentrate our resources across the board?”
• A manager wants to find and fix software bugs more quickly. He offers an incentive plan: $20 for each bug the Quality Assurance people find and $20 for each bug the programmers fix. (These are the same programmers who create the bugs.) Result: An underground economy in “bugs” springs up instantly. The plan is rethought after one employee nets $1,700 the first week.
Stories like these prompted me to do the first annual Dilbert Survey to find out what management practices were most annoying to employees. The choices included the usual suspects: Quality, Empowerment, Re-engineering and the like. But the number-one vote-getter on this highly unscientific survey was “Idiots Promoted to Management.”
This seemed like a subtle change from the old concept where capable workers were promoted until they reached their level of incompetence — the Peter Principle. Now, apparently, the incompetent workers are promoted directly to management without ever passing through the temporary competence stage.
When I entered the workforce in 1979, the Peter Principle described management pretty well. Now I think we’d all like to return to those Golden Years when you had a boss who was once good at something. I get all nostalgic when I think about it. Back then, we all had hopes of being promoted beyond our levels of competence. Every worker had a shot at someday personally navigating the company into the tar pits while reaping large bonuses and stock options. It was a time when inflation meant everybody got an annual raise; a time when we freely admitted that the customer didn’t matter. It was a time of joy.
We didn’t appreciate it then, but the Peter Principle always provided us with a boss who understood what we did for a living. Granted, he made consistently bad decisions — after all, he had no management skills. But at least they were the informed decisions of a seasoned veteran from the trenches.
Maybe we should learn something from nature. In the wild, the weakest moose is hunted down and killed by Dingo dogs, thus ensuring survival of the fittest. This is a harsh system — especially for the Dingo dogs that have to fly all the way from Australia. But nature’s process is a good one; everybody agrees, except perhaps for the Dingo dogs and the moose in question…and the flight attendants. But the point is that we’d all be better off if the least competent managers were being eaten by Dingo dogs instead of writing mission statements.
It seems as if we’ve turned nature’s rules upside down. We systematically identify and promote the people who have the least skills. The usual business rationalization for promoting idiots (the Dilbert Principle in a nutshell) is something along the lines of “Well, he can’t write code, he can’t design a network, and he doesn’t have any sales skill. But he has very good hair…”
If nature started organizing itself like a modern business, you’d see, for example, a band of mountain gorillas led by an “alpha” squirrel. And it wouldn’t be the most skilled squirrel; it would be the squirrel nobody wanted to hang around with.
I can see the other squirrels gathered around an old stump saying stuff like “If I hear him say `I like nuts’ one more time, I’m going to kill him.” The gorillas, overhearing this conversation, lumber down from the mist and promote the unpopular squirrel. The remaining squirrels are assigned to Quality Teams as punishment.
You may be wondering if you fit the description of a Dilbert Principle manager. Here’s a little test:
Now give yourself one point for each question you answered with the letter “B.” If your score is greater than zero, congratulations — there are stock options in your future.
(The language in number 4 is from an actual company memo.)
There is a new virus. The code name is WORK. If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your system.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.
If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry.
I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive, so I’m headed for the bar anyway . . . it never hurts to be safe.
Prison Or Work?
In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
In prison you get your own toilet.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
Reasons Alcohol Should Be Allowed At Work:
1) It’s an incentive to show up.
2) It reduces stress.
3) It leads to more honest communications.
4) It reduces complaints about low pay.
5) It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6) Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7) It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8) It encourages carpooling.
9) Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.
10) It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11) It makes fellow employees look better.
12) It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13) Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14) Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15) Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
16) Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17) It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18) Everyone agrees the work is better after they’ve had a couple of drinks.
19) Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20) Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21) The janitor’s closet will finally have a use.
22) Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
23) Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as “gross.”
24) Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.
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There are two major kinds of meetings:
1. Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor Day is observed namely, tradition. For example, a lot of managerial people like to meet on Monday, because it’s Monday. You’ll get used to it. You’d better, because this kind account for
When it’s your turn, you should say that you’re still working on whatever it is you’re supposed to be working on. This may seem pretty dumb, since obviously you’d be working on whatever you’re supposed to be working on, and even if you weren’t, you’d claim you were, but that’s the traditional thing for everyone to say. It would be a lot faster if the person running the meeting would just say, “Everyone who is still working on what he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand.” You’d be out of there in five minutes, even allowing for jokes. But this is not how we do it in America. My guess is, it’s how they do it in Japan.
2. Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These are trickier, because what you do depends on what the purpose is.
Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show slides of pie charts and give everyone a big, fat report. All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and have elaborate fantasies, then take the report back to your office and throw it away, unless, of course, you’re a vice president, in which case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper right hand corner, followed be a question mark, like this: “Norm?” Then you send it to Norm and forget all about it (although it will plague Norm for the rest of his career).
But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your “input” on something. This is very serious because what it means is, they want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be stupid or fatal, you’ll get some of the blame, so you have to escape from the meeting before they get around to asking you anything. One way is to set fire to your tie.
Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce that you have a phone call from someone very important, such as the president of the company or the Pope. It should be one or the other. It would a sound fishy if the accomplice said, “You have a call from the president of the company, or the Pope.”
You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow legal pad. At the top, write the date and underline it twice.
If it is an especially lengthy meeting, you can try something like this (Picture of more elaborate doodles and a caricature of the boss).
If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everyone else leave the room. Then collect a group of total strangers, right off the street, and have them sit around the sleeping person until he wakes up. Then have one of them say to him, “Bob, your plan is very, very risky. However, you’ve given us no choice but to try it. I only hope, for your sake, that you know what you’re getting yourself into.” Then they should file quietly out of the room.
Rules For The Boss
1. Don’t ever give me work in the morning. Always wait until at least 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every ten minutes or so to inquire how it’s going. That really does help. Better yet, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without letting anyone know where you’re going. It gives me the opportunity to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training should I ever be injured and lose all of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t specify which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere else to go or anything else to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If word gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be the topic of conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, just save them until the job is almost done. There’s no use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Only be nice to me when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers’ hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s refreshing to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check your received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating, without a cost of living increase. I’m not really here for the money anyhow.
You Know You Work In Modern Corporate America If...
1) Your resume is on a USB drive on your key chain.
2) You get really excited about a 3% pay raise.
3) Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
4) You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
5) You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
6) It’s dark when you drive to and from work.
7) Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
8) “Communication” is something your group is having problems with.
9) You’re already late on the assignment you just got.
10) Free food left over from meetings is on your mind to bring home at the end of your shift.
11) Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the hospital.
12) Art involves a white board.
13) You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say “Oh wow, thanks!”
14) Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers”.
15) Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.
16) Your boss’ favorite lines are “when you get a few minutes”, “in your spare time”, “when you’re freed up”, and “I have an opportunity for you.”
17) You’ve sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
18) When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone with your company’s name
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Real Life 'Dilbert-Type' Managers
“My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.” (CIO of Dell Computers)
Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
“We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director’s office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
“As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.”
“What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.”
“E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.”
“This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.”
“Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.”
“No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.”
Mid-Level Manager Translator
“That’s very interesting “:
“I don’t disagree “:
“I don’t totally disagree with you “:
“You have to show some flexibility “:
“We have an opportunity here “:
“You have obviously put a lot of work into this “:
“You certainly have an eye for detail “:
“Let’s sit on your concept for a while “:
“Help me to understand here “:
“In a perfect world, we wouldn’t have to worry with this “:
“You need to see the big picture “:
“I just can’t grasp the team’s goal here “:
“I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal “:
“I’m afraid the decisions been made far above our level “:
“If you have any further thoughts on this, please get back to me”:
“I appreciate your contribution “:
“We’ve got to follow some strict guidelines here “:
“I didn’t understand your e-mail. Can you give me a quick summary? “:
“The cost of ownership has become a significant issue “:
“We have to maximize our resources “:
“Your project is on hold for a while “:
“That’s not quite the solution I came up with “:
“You need to be more proactive “:
“I’d like your buy-in on this “:
“We want you to be the lead on this project “:
“We need to syndicate this decision “:
“We have to put on our marketing hats “:
“This strikes me as a bit impractical “:
“I’m glad you asked me that “:
“There are larger issues at stake “:
“I’d never lie to you “:
“Our entire organization going through a paradigm shift “:
“The upcoming changes will benefit the vast majority of employees “:
Reasons To Stay At Work All Night
1. Act out your version of a company takeover.
2. Find a way to change everyone’s password to “chrysanthemum”.
3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.
4. Sneaking in the boss’s desk could land you an unexpected promotion.
5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out “what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art”.
6. Go into the other gender’s bathroom without fear of being caught.
7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.
8. Leave prank messages on the CEO’s voice mail.
9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.
10. Elevator surfing!
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Mistakes On A Resume
These are from actual resumes:
“Personal: I’m married with 9 children. I don’t require prescription drugs.
“I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability.”
“Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I’m a class act and do not come cheap.”
“I intentionally omitted my salary history. I’ve made money and lost money. I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. I prefer being rich.”
“Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”
“Number of dependents: 40.”
“Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.”
“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
“Responsibility makes me nervous.”
“They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.”
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
“Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.”
“I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”
“The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.”
“While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.”
“I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.”
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
“Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.”
“My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”
“I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.”
“Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.”
“Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.”
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
“Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.”
“Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.”
“Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.”
“I’m a rabid typist.”
“Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.”
One Day Off
Mr. Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re shorthanded, Smith,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” says Smith. “I knew I could count on you!”
New Company Policies
All Employees Must Read
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
YOUR OWN DEATH:
REST ROOM USE:
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation’s, consternation’s, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week,
Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor Day is observed – namely, tradition. A lot of managerial people like to meet on Monday, because it’s Monday.
This type of meeting operates the way “Show and Tell” does in school, with everyone getting to say something; the difference being that in school, the kids actually have something to say.
When it’s your turn, you say that you’re still working on whatever it is you’re supposed to be working on. This may seem pretty lame; since obviously you’d be working on whatever you’re supposed to be working on, and even if you weren’t, you’d claim you were.
It would be faster if the person running the meeting would say, “Everyone who is still working on what he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand.” You’d be out of there in five minutes.
Meetings where there is some alleged purpose are trickier. What you do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show slides of pie charts and give everyone a big, fat report. All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and have elaborate fantasies, then take the report back to your office and put it in the recycle bin.
Sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your input on something. This is very serious because it means they want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be stupid or fatal, you get some of the blame, so you have to escape from the meeting before they get around to asking you anything.
You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow legal pad. At the top, write the date and underline it twice.
At the conclusion of any meeting, be sure to offer “congrats” to whomever conducted the thing and say that they’ve given you a lot to consider. (Like how in the hell to avoid the next one).
• When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
• No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
• The longer the title, the less important the job.
• Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
• An “acceptable” level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
• Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
• All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one’s own.
• Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
• Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing.
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong – until the next person quits or is fired.
• There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
• The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T …).
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
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Sign . . . Counter-Sign
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read: “I’m the Boss!” He then taped it to his office door.
Later, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”
Out-Of-The-Office E-Mail Auto-Reply
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you
3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
4. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message
7. ‘The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.’ (The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)
8. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
10. I am on vacation. Your e-mail has been deleted.
11. Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
12. Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.
13. I’ve run away to join a different circus.
14. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Loretta’ instead of ‘Dave’.
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Monthly Work Evaluation
Name: _______________________________ Date: __________
I understand that I have been counseled and understand my rights under the privacy act of 1974. I further acknowledge that I am as stupid as a football bat, and I will make some attempt to correct my deficiencies.
New Accounting Job Codes
TO: ALL PERSONNEL
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of “Miscellaneous Unproductive Time”. However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Listed below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.
EXTENDED JOB-CODE LIST
So What’s You Excuse For Leaving Work Early This Time?
1. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel
2. I’m being sent to the moon by NASA
3. It’s Wal-Mart’s Warehouse Sale
4. My back aches
5. My stomach aches
6. My hair aches (This is more acceptable than “I have a hangover,” especially if offered in the early afternoon)
7. My biological clock is ticking
8. I have to take my biological clock in for service
9. My furnace won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached
10. My central air conditioning won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn
11. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won’t stop running The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode
12. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother
13. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister
14. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister’s mother
15. I have to take my mother to the doctor
16. I have to take my minister to the doctor
17. I have to take my doctor to my minister
18. I think I left the iron on
19. I think I left the water on
20. I think I left the refrigerator on
21. I’m getting married, and I have to go pick out rings
22. I’m getting married, and I have to take a blood test
23. I’m getting married, and I have to figure out to whom
24. I have to have my waistband let out
25. I have to have my watchband let out
26. I have to have my son’s rock band let out
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“Resumania” is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting’s parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates’ resumes, job applications, and cover letters. Here’s some examples:
“I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise.”
“Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.”
“Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.”
“My compensation should be at least equal to my age.”
“I am very detail-oreinted.”
“I can play well with others.”
“Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.”
“Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.”
“My salary requirement is $34 per year.”
“Served as assistant sore manager.”
“Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.”
“Previous experience: Self-employed – a fiasco.”
“I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live.”
“Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.”
ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2. Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other non-player must be in the bathroom at the time).
3. Ignore the first five people who say “good morning” to you.
4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye”.
5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, “Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!”
7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way.”
8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINT OFFICE DARES
2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask “Did you get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it.”
3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4.Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a “non-player” within sight).
5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT OFFICE DARES
2. Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Bob.”
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two.”
5. After every sentence, say “mon” in a really bad Jamaican accent, i.e., “the report’s on your desk, mon.” Keep this up for one hour.
6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce “As god is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”
9. In a colleague’s diary, write in 10am: “See how I look in tights?”
10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask “You wanna trade?”
11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it.”
13. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
14. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.