People With A Sense Of Humor
At least some people can still laugh at life.
1. Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships: “DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE – XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS!”
2. At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: “Belt your family. It’s the law.”
3. Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: “Broken English spoken perfectly”
4. At an Applebee’s restaurant: “NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!”
5. Fitness Center sign: “Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself – regardless of the facts.”
6. In restaurant: “Open seven days a week and weekends.”
7. On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc: “Rome wasn’t built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor.”
8. A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines: “A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS”
9. A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii: “Caution: Nuts crossing road.”
10. On a ski lift in Taos, NM: ‘No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.’
11. Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Hand printed sign nearby: Window frightened.
12. Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus. (translation of the Greek): ‘Caution: Road Slippery from Grape juice’
13. A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Let’s see who can go downhill the fastest.
14. Sign in King’s Canyon in California. ‘Slow Parking Ahead’
15. A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads: ‘Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!’
16. Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you
17. Seen in a health food store. “Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot”
18. “Children left unattended will be towed at parent’s expense.”
19. I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own.
I Love Dogs Because
1. You never find a cat or a hamster with a barrel of brandy round its neck.
2. It has never been suggested that were mankind to disappear, dogs (unlike ants, dolphins and cockroaches) are waiting in the wings to take over the world.
3. The dog is man’s best friend, indeed only friend.
4. They cause welcome diversions in otherwise tedious parties.
5. They will run and retrieve sticks of any shape, thus rendering the boomerang obsolete.
6. Dogs never have to be rescued from the tops of trees by the fire brigade.
7. They are the cheapest and most effective anti-burglar device yet devised.
8. They are the most specialized animal in nature. What other one boasts species which can hunt foxes, guard property, balance balls on there noses, go down holes after badgers and travel fast enough to attract large sums of money in bets ?
9. They are the only animal to have a form of humor named after them: The shaggy dog story.
10. They are the only animals to have found another use for lamp-posts.
11. Conan Doyle would have got nowhere with “The Catty of the Baskervilles.”
12. Dogs are highly perceptive. They can spot attractive loveable qualities in you which are never spotted by your family or friends.
13. They will pull you for hours in a sled across the snowy wastes of the Arctic, if that’s your idea of a good time.
14. The King Charles spaniel is the only pet ever to have been named after a monarch. (There is no recorded instance of a domesticated King Edward V11 cat.)
15. They are said to be much prized in some forms of Oriental cuisine.
16. They can hear notes that the human ear cannot pick up and are therefore really into avant-garde music: they were also among the first creatures to appreciate the early gramophones.
17. The dog is the only animal which, in return for tummy rubs, will agree to guide the blind.
18. They eat unwelcome Christmas presents such as carpet slippers and spotty ties.
19. Snoopy can effortlessly outwit Charlie Brown every time.
20. You’d swear they understand almost every word you say, unlike humans.
21. There is no known instance of a sheep being trained to round up large quantities of dogs.
22. They suffer uncomplainingly insults which humans would never tolerate: dog’s dinners, being given a bad name and hung, having a dog’s life, seeing a sausage in a roll named after them etc…
I Hate Dogs Because
1. You can’t even mention the chief objection to them in polite society (what they like to lick in front of guests).
2. They eat expensively imported chocolate.
3. Chihuahua is impossible to spell.
4. Dogs have no fashion sense. They only wear dowdy camping cloths, never really elegant gear.
5. They creep up behind you after they have been for a swim and shake themselves viciously.
6. You have to multiply their real age by 7 to get their equivalent human age, and then say how wonderful they are looking considering they are 109!
7. They indicate they want you to throw a ball for them by refusing to let go of it.
8. They find it impossible to tell between burglars and friends of the family.
9. They wag their tails and look expectantly at you without having the wit to tell you what on earth it is they expect of you.
10. They dirty stationary cars and chase moving ones.
11. They have to have their food artificially shaped like a bone before they will condescend to eat it.
12. They spread a disease which makes you go blind. I know that for a fact, there was a piece in New Society about it, no I didn’t read it myself, but I know someone who did.
13. Technology has placed man on the moon but not yet invented a machine capable of picking up dog hairs.
14. The Queen likes dogs better than the theatre, ballet, books or football.
15. Dogs have no qualms about acting for the police as instruments of repression: who ever heard of a radical, correct thinking dog?
16. They relieve themselves on one part of the lawn and scratch up another.
17. They are the only animal capable of being classed medically as “mad”.
18. They have no shame in accepting names like Mitzi, Diddums, Pookey etc.
19. They take all the meat which should by rights go to senior citizens.
20. When you tell a dog to sit, it runs off and attacks someone else.
21. When in the mood for mating, it cannot tell the difference between its own breed and any other kind of dog, and will even make advances to trouser legs.
22. Dog-owners are incapable of addressing their animals without retreating into a nauseating nursery English full of walkies, din-dins, and doggy poos.
23. They can always spot fear in humans, but never loathing.
24. It is extremely annoying for a person from Alsace, Dalmatia or Pomerania to go through life having stupid jokes made about his origin.
25. No one would ever have to put up a notice saying BEWARE OF THE CAT.
So You Want To Become A Doctor (Vital Organ Transplants)
Well, contrary to popular belief, becoming a doctor isn’t that hard.
Okay, so you won’t be an ‘official’ doctor, but when people are screaming because their boy has just accidentally swallowed a brick they don’t ask for I.D before letting you slice up their kid. So, for the kind of doctoring you’ll be doing all those permits and bits of squiggly card aren’t really necessary.
Vital Organ Transplants:
Now, unless your pretty good at plumbing I don’t suggest you try this one too often. It’s all too easy to connect up the wrong tubes, and before you know it the patient opens his mouth to thank you for saving his life and the contents of his rectum spill out on to his lap.
But, if you’re determined to have a go, here’s how it’s done.
1. Cut a large square hole in the patient’s chest. You can be reasonably sure that the organ your after is in here, most of the important red wobbly ones are.
2. Remove a likely looking organ, as a general rule the red ones are to do with breathing and blood and stuff, yucky white ones are for digestion, and brown ones are best left alone. It doesn’t really matter which you go for as they are all very useful and the recipient should be bloody grateful he’s getting anything at all.
3. If the person who is donating the organ is still alive and expecting to remain that way then it’s best to connect up all the spare pipes to each other. This way he should be able to lead a quite productive life for a few weeks following the operation, and by the time he dies you should be safely in the next country.
4. Slice open the other person and remove the dodgy shriveled up organ, if it doesn’t match the one you removed then it doesn’t really matter, just chop off any superfluous tubes from the one your are putting it. If it doesn’t have enough tubes then tie up the excess tube in the patient so nothing leaks when you stick him back together.
5. Repair the holes in the patient’s chest. Give them your bills, and run like hell.
Women Seeking Men
Sometimes what woman say about themselves online may be slightly misleading. I have therefore put together a list of what women say and what you may find out about them in reality.
• 40-ish means: 48
• Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will
• Affectionate means: Possessive
• Artist means: Unreliable
• Average looking means: You figure this one out
• Beautiful means: Pathological liar
• Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!
• Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise
• Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin
• Educated means: College dropout
• Emotionally Secure means: Medicated
• Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
• Enjoys art and opera means: Snob
• Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola
• Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian
• Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street
• Free spirit means: Substance abuser
• Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut
• Fun means: Annoying
• Gentle means: Comatose
• Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her
• Humorous means: Caustic
• Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn’t count
• In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
• Light drinker means: Lush
• Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light
• Loves Travel means: If you’re paying
• Loves Animals means: Cat lady
• Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement
• Open-minded means: Desperate
• Outgoing means: Loud
• Passionate means: Loud
• Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic
• Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle
• Reliable means: Frumpy
• Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out
• Romantic means: Looks better by candle light
• Self-employed means: Jobless
• Smart means: Insipid
• Special means: Rode the small school bus w/ tinted windows
• Spiritual means: Involved with a cult
• Stable means: Boring
• Tall, thin means: Anorexic
• Tan means: Wrinkled
• Wants soul mate means: One step away from stalking
• Writer means: Pompous
• Widow means: Nagged first husband to death
Gender Of A Computer
A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
Top NFL Referee Complaints
• After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition.
• Calling “heads or tails” but never getting any. . . “head” or “tail”.
• Players get “the wave”. . . refs get “the finger”.
• Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan.
• Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin’ CLEVELAND!!!
• Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky.
• Everyone else gets to wear their autumn colors, but for me it’s black and white week after week after week!
• Don King only bribes boxing judges.
• Official rule books not made in Braille.
• I’m the one that everybody wants to kill, so where’s MY helmet and pads?!
Natural Gas Conversion
During the period of appliance conversion some years ago, the Gas Company received some rather odd letters from its customers.
Here are some extracts:
Can you move the meter so it won’t cause an obstruction in my passage?
The electricity man did it through the floorboards, but your man put it in my front passage where everyone could see it.
I don’t like it so much in the kitchen as I did in the shop window.
Since you put a new pipe from the mains to our house, me and my husband dread going to bed at night because of a slight discharge. I think there is a leak just after it enters.
I told my husband it was safe to leave it in all night, but he won’t. If he comes to the showroom like I did, can the lady satisfy him behind the counter and talk him out of it?
I have heard that there are two ways you can have it, and it worked out cheaper the more you got if you have it the other way.
I am not satisfied with an apprentice, so will you send a man to do it properly.
My wife will be ready for your man if you let her know when he is coming on a postcard.
I will try to pay before the end of the month because my husband will be surprised if you cut it off without telling him.
My husband is pretty handy, but he says your men can do it better because of their tools.
It has gone slack with use and my husband can’t make it any tighter no matter how he tries, so for the time being we are making do with an old gas ring.
My slot is not blocked now but your men made an awful mess banging their tools on the wall.
Since I made arrangements with your salesman, I am having a baby and would like to change it for a drying cabinet.
My husband was under the impression that I was getting it at reduced rates, but your salesman didn’t use his head and got me into trouble.
It is about time your workmen came back to fill the hole, because we are fed up with having it in the street, it is a big attraction and we are getting children by the dozen.
The woman who is after the house says she is not keen on it, so if she asks it, can your man stand by to take it out before she comes?
My neighbor has a bigger one than we have and it makes a difference to her water when she fills the bath.
People spend interviews thinking about what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch. If we did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:
1. “He stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”
2. “She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”
3. “A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”
4. “He asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”
5. “She announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve”
6. “Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”
7. “Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”
8. “When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”
9. “At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”
10. “He pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”
11. “Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”
12. “While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.”
13. “During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”
14. “A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: “Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?” I said, “I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.” He promptly responded, “I am as long as you’ll pay me more.
“I didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.”
15. “His briefcase opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.”
16. “Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”
17. “He asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.”
18. “Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.”
Every 5 Seconds
Just so you know…
• Bill Gates earns 1,250+ Dollars.
• 500,000 chemical reactions have taken place in every single cell of your body.
• 1 child died of starvation (world).
• 9 people just died in the world.
• 2 people committed suicide in world.
• 21 babies were born in the world.
• 1250 songs were downloaded from the iTunes store.
• Amazon sold nearly $7000 worth of products.
• Six hours worth of YouTube video content was uploaded.
• 17 million E-mails were sent.
• 23,000 Tweets were posted.
• 205,000 Facebook posts were posted.
• 35,000 Coca-Cola products were consumed.
• 2,090 KitKat fingers were consumed worldwide.
• 500 lightning strikes have struck the ground.
• 15,800 kiloliters of water flows over Niagara Falls.
• 80 billion liters of water has evaporated from the Earth’s surface.
• The universe has expanded about 208.159 miles.
• Earth has traveled 150 kilometers.
• Voyager 1 has gone 85 more kilometers away from you.
• An airplane lands in the world.
• The sun flings 5,000,000 tons of matter into the space.
• The area of desert expands up to 10.5 acres