Abbott Costello Two Tens For A Five
Inside Amy Schumer – Chrissy Teigen, Couples Counselor
Bumper Stickers
• It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
• It works better if you plug it in.
• Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
• Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
• The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. But some don’t have film.
• Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• “I love cats…they taste just like chicken”
• “Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.”
Heaviest Element Yet Known To Science: (Gv)
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons..
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 – 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Foreign Product Names
Judging from these foreign product names I bet you couldn’t guess what they are for.
• Clean Finger Nail – Chinese tissues
• Kolic – Japanese mineral water
• Creap Creamy Powder – Japanese Coffee Creamer
• Swine – Chinese chocolates
• Libido – Chinese soda
• Pocari Sweat – Japanese sport drink
• Shocking – Japanese chewing gum
• Cat Wetty – Japanese moistened hand towels
• Pipi – Yugoslavian orangeade
• Polio – Czechoslovakian laundry detergent
• Crundy – Japanese gourmet candy
• Superglans – Netherlands car wax
• I’m Dripper – Japanese instant coffee
• Zit – Greek soft drink
• Colon Plus – Spanish detergent
This Is Your Fault You Deal With It
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, ‘Are all of those kids yours?’
He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”
Yogi Berra Quotes
“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
“Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”
“If the people don’t want to come out to the park, nobody’s gonna stop them.”
“No wonder nobody comes here; it’s too crowded.”
“We made too many wrong mistakes.”
“You can observe a lot by just watching.”
“I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4.”
“When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”
“Never answer an anonymous letter.”
“Little League baseball is a good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets and the kids out of the house.”
“A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”
“I never blame myself when I’m not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn’t my fault that I’m not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?”
“What difference does the uniform make? You don’t hit with it.”
“The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.”
“It’s like déjà vu all over again.”
“It ain’t over ’till it’s over.”
A Week At The Gym
For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
Day 1
They suggest I keep this “exercise diary” to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She’s something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great.
Day 2
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven’s sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great
Day 3
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I think that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can’t imagine anything worse.
Day 4
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can’t help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word “dumb” must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men’s room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don’t have triceps. And if you don’t want dents in the floor don’t hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6
Got Tanya’s message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7
Well, that’s the week. Thank goodness that’s over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist’s.
How To Impress
How To Impress A Woman:
Compliment her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
tease her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her….
How to impress a man:
Show up naked,
Offer beer.
Did Anyone Read These Laws Before They Passed It?
*In Alabama, it’s illegal to wear a funny fake mustache to church. If you want a mustache in Alabama but you also want to go to church — just don’t fake it. Grow your own because otherwise you’ll cause a stir. Church is a serious matter and if you plan on wearing a funny fake mustache then you should go somewhere else besides your local church.
*In New Hampshire, you may not tap your feet, nod your head or in any way keep time with the music played in a tavern, restaurant or cafe. This sounds very similar to cabaret laws in New York City which prevent dancing in most bars. But this law really gets down to the nitty gritty and prevents any outward sign that you’re enjoying a piece of music at all. And that just seems a little grouchy.
*Chicago forbids fishing while sitting on a giraffe’s neck. While we can’t imagine why someone would be riding on a giraffe’s neck in Chicago, let alone fishing, it does make sense. The combination of giraffe-level altitude and sharp hooks just doesn’t mix. The giraffe, the fisher, passersby or all of these people could get hurt.
*A person may be jailed in Fargo, North Dakota for wearing a hat while dancing or wearing a hat to an event where dancing is taking place. This is probably another of those laws that is no longer current nor enforced in Fargo but it is funny to think that at one time, hats and dancing in Fargo just didn’t mix. In many other places wearing a hat while dancing is fine but if you aren’t wearing pants, then you’re in trouble.
*Skunks may not be carried into the state of Tennessee. Look, skunks are gross no matter where they are and they tend to carry rabies which is something that you don’t want to find anywhere. Tennessee is simply trying to keep skunks out and make their state smell better in addition to keeping rabies well outside of the entire state. They may still have a ways to go.
*No one may cross Minnesota state lines with a duck on top of their head. This one is a little harder to explain than the Tennessee skunk law. First of all, who doesn’t like ducks? Secondly, why can’t they be carried on one’s head? Perhaps this is just another disease prevention measure — maybe residents in neighboring states tend to carry their ducks around on their heads.
*In Ohio, It’s illegal to get a fish drunk. How one would even attempt to feed alcohol to a fish is beyond us unless they have the little buggers swimming in it. And that just seems cruel and dangerous. So there’s no reason to disagree with this particular law — except there’s no real indication as to how this law could regularly be enforced.
*Next door neighbors may not lend each other vacuum cleaners in Denver, Colorado. We feel bad for people who live in Denver and don’t own their own vacuum cleaners and we probably won’t be visiting those people anytime soon due to the fact that it’s probably been some time since they’ve cleaned the carpets. However, this law more than likely fell off the books long ago and is no longer enforced. So vacuum cleaner owners of Denver, lend away!
*If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter in Florida, the parking fee must be paid just as if a car had parked there. While this may seem very odd, it’s actually not unusual for a circus elephant to end up in Florida. The Ringling Museum, located in the house where John Ringling lived, is located in Sarasota, Florida. The entire state is pretty proud of their circus elephants.
University Entrance Exam
FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
(Time Limit: 3 Weeks)
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
-OR-
give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (Please check only one answer)
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America’s far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
9. Spell — Bush, Carter, and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy’s
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chatelier’s Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
-OR-
spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math.
If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify*
Questions And Answers
Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
A: Women working at 900 numbers.
Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
A: In the pages of a romance novel.
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he’s God’s gift?
A: Exchange him.
Q: Why is the book “Women Who Love Too Much” a disappointment for many men?
A: No phone numbers.
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
| It Was Allot More Fun When We Had Horses |
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| Ok, We Get It! All You Had To Say Was No Trespassing |
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| Sure It’s A Real Home Honey, It Even Has A Back Porch! |
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| Too Realistic |
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| Your Laughing Now But Wait, It’ll Be A Real Thing |
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| No Charge |
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| When You Purchase Your Bike, Make Sure The Color Of The Bike Seat Is Taken Into Consideration! |
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| So That’s Where The Rest Of The Bottle Went |
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| Some Women Should Keep That Sign Out Permanently |
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| Don’t Even Think About It Copper, The Empire Rules!!! |
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