Jokes – Utter Stupidity #2

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping.
(That’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(…the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (…and that would be???)

On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (…but, it’s just a suggestion.)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) —
“Do not turn upside down.” (…well…duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.”
(…and you thought????…)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.”
(but wouldn’t this save me time?)

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine —
“Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness”
(…I’m taking this because???….)

On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.”
(now somebody out there help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts”
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: say what?)

On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (Oh my God. Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages. The Library will include:

The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction (and will be for the foreseeable future).

The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won’t be able to remember anything.

The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don’t even have to show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don’t let you in (and if you do get in they’ll ignore you).

The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don’t let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find (it’s an imaginary room full of great big war toys for an incompetent former commander in chief to play with).

The National Debt room which is huge and has no ceiling (and grows and grows and grows – there goes Lewis Carroll again).

The ‘Tax Cut’ Room with entry only to the wealthy.

The ‘Economy Room’ which is in the toilet.

The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go
back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.

The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery (and a whole lot of energy industry executives).

The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.

The Supreme Court Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.

The Airport Men’s Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

The ‘Decider Room’ complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouijaboard, dice, coins, and straws.

The museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate the President’s accomplishments.

Admission: Republicans – free; Democrats -$1000 or 3 Euros
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Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank’s video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn’t get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes Officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper.
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We may be in more trouble than we imagined.

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, “Does the sun rise in the North?” When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, (and has always done so since creation), she shook her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up with that stuff.”. . . . She also votes!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.” He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?” Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific.” . . . He also votes!.

So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but “didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving”……..Yep, she also votes!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It’s designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk . . . . . . My sister also votes!

My friends and I stopped to purchase a couple cases of Coca Cola for a party and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount . . . . He also votes!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, “Wouldn’t the chain rip out every time she turned her head?” I explained that a person’s nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. My friend also votes!

My wife and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub shop last week and she asked the clerk which of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn’t have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive. My wife got a quizzical look on her face and asked, “If that’s the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?” To this, the clerk responded, “I don’t think we add tax to the turkey.” The clerk also votes!

This one is a real ‘clinger’…….

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the lady attendant there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. “Now,” she asked me, “has your plane arrived yet?” Yep, she is another one that also votes!
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These are real standing laws from around the United States of America.

Alabama: It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

California: Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

Connecticut:
1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

Florida:
1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
4. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

Illinois: It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.

Iowa: Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

Kentucky:
1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is “sober” until he or she “cannot hold onto the ground.”
2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

Louisiana:
1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is “simple assault,” while biting someone with your false teeth is “aggravated assault.”

Massachusetts:
1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
4. Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.

Nebraska: A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.

New Mexico: Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.

New York: A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking “at a woman in that way.” A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a “pair of horse-blinders” wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

North Dakota: Beer & pretzels can’t be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.

Ohio: Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

Oklahoma:
1. Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
2. Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.
3. Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

Pennsylvania:
1. A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
2. No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.

Rhode Island: It is illegal to throw pickle juice at a trolley.

Texas:
1. A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
2. It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

Vermont: Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week — on Saturday night.

Washington:
1. All lollipops are banned.
2. A law to reduce crime states: “It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.
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Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak – The last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back…
Or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did….

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, ‘How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?’ I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word… He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, ‘I think I like playing with men’s balls’

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, ‘No, I’m just looking at your nuts.’ My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget it.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving ‘right now’ she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, ‘If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!’ The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said ‘No’. I kept thinking ‘Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.’ Then I said, ‘Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?’
‘No,’ he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooo, I asked one more time, ‘Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, Bent over, spread his cheeks, and yelled, ‘SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!’ While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any? We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: ‘So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?’
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
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1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax handle, leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu, he came down eight HOURS short of the 400 day record; his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There, now! Your day’s not so bad after all, is it?
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It’s time again for the annual ‘Stella Awards’! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That’ s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stellas for the past year:

*SEVENTH PLACE*
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son. Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.
Scratch some more…

* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count ‘em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more….
Double hand scratching after this one.

*FOURTH PLACE*
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle – even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Pick a new spot to scratch, you’re getting a bald spot.

* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Only two more so ease up on the scratching….

*SECOND PLACE*
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000….oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!!

* FIRST PLACE *
This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Are we, as a society, getting more stupid…or are more members of Congress serving on juries these days?
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I know I only added one Bush quote, but if I added them all this list would be over a hundred lines long and just depressing as hell.

21. “The Bible commands that we hate.” -H. A. (Buster) Dobbs

22. “We just want Jews to be perfected, as they say.” -Ann Coulter

23. “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” -Brooke Shields

24. “I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada”. -Britney Spears

25. “Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver.” – Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman

26. “We don’t like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.” -Decca Records Rejecting the Beatles

27. “I don’t diet. I just don’t eat as much as I’d like to.” – Linda Evangelista, Supermodel

28. “A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.” – Samuel Goldwyn

29. “Are you going to ask that question with shades on?” – George Bush to blind reporter Peter Wallsten

30. “The gavel of the speaker of the House is in the hands of special interests, and now it will be in the hands of America’s children.” – Nancy Pelosi, on the prospect of Democrats winning back Congress
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Didn’t anyone proofread this stuff?

Scientists see quakes in L.A. future: The Oregonian, January 28

Former inmate tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning: The Buffalo News, February 26

Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold: Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26

Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer: Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25

Economist uses theory to explain economy: Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8

Bible church’s focus is the Bible: Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994

Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons: Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6

Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity: The Chicago Tribune, March 5

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear: Journal of Commerce, April 20

Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person: The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2

Lack of brains hinders research: The Columbus Dispatch, April 16

How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart: Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5

Fish lurk in streams: Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29
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1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other’s head.

3. A young teller was new to the job when she was approached by her first robber. Noticing that the man’s grammar was not the greatest, the teller figured that the would be criminal was slightly slow. She told the robber that he had to have an account to rob a bank. Disappointed, the man left.

4. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film’s depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

5. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

6. A criminal who broke into a couple’s house started to take the TV, but instead he turned it on and began to watch. He supposedly liked the program that was on and laid down on the bed. Since it was at night he was tired and fell asleep. So when the couple came home the next day they found him and called the police.

7. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
8. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

9. David Posman, 33, was arrested in Providence, Rhode Island, after knocking out an armored car driver and stealing four bags of money. Each bag contained $800 dollars. However, the bags weighed thirty pounds each since they all contained pennies. The hefty bags slowed the fleeting criminal to a sluggish stagger. Police easily ran down and arrested the suspect.

10. A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

11. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.

and last but not least…

12. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
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Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of “Anguished English”.

On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.

The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said.

With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.

A purple lady’s bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently.

Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor’s task force on driving while intoxicated.

He hasn’t even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.

Montreal police don’t hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.

A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.
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Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, ‘You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?’

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, ‘Everything but my earrings.’

Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned as one, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. ‘Where’s Henry?’ the others asked.

‘Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,’ the successful hunter replied.

‘You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?’ they inquired.

‘A tough call,’ nodded the hunter. ‘But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!’

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.” “Yep,” he replied.
“That’s why I dumpin it here, cause it says, ‘Fine For Dumpin Garbage.’

Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying… ‘When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ‘ When asked why, he replied he’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, ‘Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!’

Bubba replied, ‘Did you see who it was?’

The young man answered, ‘I couldn’t tell, but I got his license number.’

Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, ‘Got any I.D.?’

The driver replied, ‘Bout whut?’

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, ‘I have a flat tire.’

The passerby asked, ‘But what’s with the flowers?’

The man responded, ‘When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don’t make no sense to me neither.’

And this from South Carolina
‘You can say what you want about the South, but I ain’t never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.
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Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes and candy bars at the front.

Only in America……do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. While contemplating surgery for being to fat.

Only in America……do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Plus hire a rent a cop with a gun that would make Barney Fife look like Dirty Harry.

Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Don’t forget screws in three’s and nails by the dozen.

Only in America…..do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
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Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer’s backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA’s response was just one sentence, “Thaw the chicken.”
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President Obama took questions from the Internet during a Twitter Town Hall meeting broadcasted from The White House. During the interactive discussion, the President fielded questions about the economy (even Republican House Speaker John Boehner tweeted, “Where are the jobs?”) as well as other important topics.

It’s a good thing the tweets were highly screened, however, because from what we saw on Twitter most of the topics people wanted to hear Obama gab about have little to do with the economy or his style of governing. In fact, we found some pretty hilarious “questions” tweeted that we just have to share.

Jerry Renek
Can you command people to stop naming their kids and dogs Bella?

TheInDecider
Are you more likely to have been born in Kenya or China?

Holy Taco
My friend Bill wants to know what your definition of “is” is.

Sputnik Sweetheart
Why does nobody love me?

Matias Ramos
Do you think Argentina is gonna beat Colombia tonight?

TheInDecider
On a scale of 1 to 10, how many packs of cigarettes do you smoke everyday?

Adam Hammer
Do you burst into loud laughter or just quietly giggle when you hold you’re Nobel Peace Prize?

Eli Braden
Will you pick this question to be one of the questions you answer in your Town Hall?

Ted Travelstead
Not that you would abuse power like this, but COULD you get a thick, delicious milkshake at any time of the day or night?

Jayson Kaplan
If you could be some kind of tree, how would that affect your declaring future illegal military actions?

Emcognito Ylime
Can you bring back Firefly??

LaMott Jackson
Don’t you agree had ABC dedicated an entire season to the origin of the island on LOST, the ending would not have been as bad?

Hipster Problems
Why is Arrested Development gone when there are like 7 shows with Kardashians? As President, can you fix this?
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These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, “Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye.”

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the ‘Skins say “I’d run over my own mother to win the
Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said, “To win, I’d run over Joe’s mom too.”

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height.” and “You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: “I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.”

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking clothes.”

Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”

Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: “I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.”

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.” (1992)
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The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing ‘Father’s Details,’ or putting it another way. Who’s your baby’s Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he’s had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son’s conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia’s dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time…..well, I don’t have clue..

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can’t be sure which one made you fart.
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• You think barbecue is a verb meaning “To Cook Outside”
• You think Heinz ketchup is spicy
• You can pronounce “Worcestershire Sauce” correctly
• For breakfast, you would prefer home fries to grits
• You don’t know what a moon pie is
• You’ve never had grain alcohol
• You’ve never, ever eaten okra
• You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork
• You’ve never seen a live chicken
• The only cows you’ve seen are from the road in a car
• You have no idea what a polecat is
• Off-color jokes about farm animals, go over your head
• You don’t see anything wrong with a sweater on a poodle
• You don’t have bangs or sideburns
• You’d rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags
• More than two generations of family have been kicked out of prep school
• You’d rather have your son be a lawyer than his own TV fishing show
• Instead of referring to two or more people as “y’all”, you say “You guys”
• You don’t think Howard Stern has an accent
• You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun and knife show
• You think university football coaches are overpaid
• You don’t have at least one can of WD-40
• You don’t have a single roll of electrical tape in the house
• The last time you smiled was when cut someone off in traffic
• You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores
• The furthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at Sear’s
• You call binoculars “Opera glasses”
• You can’t manage to spit out of the car window w/o pulling over
• You would never wear an applique sweatshirt
• You don’t know what an applique is
• You don’t know anyone with two first names (Billy Ray, Bonnie Sue)
• You don’t have doilies, and you don’t have any idea how to make one
• You’ve never been to a craft show
• You freak out on the subway if someone speaks to you
• You can’t do your laundry without quarters
• None of your fur coats are homemade
• You can’t imagine an indoor monster truck and tractor show
• You would never consider drinking a Budweiser beer
• The mere thought of biscuits and sausage gravy clogs your arteries
• The word “greens” brings about images of golf courses
• You think “Dry County” means it doesn’t rain too often there
• You don’t own a pair of overalls
• Your jewelry does not turn your skin green or black
• You wouldn’t be caught dead with a pouch of Red Man
• You have no clue what palmettos, fire ants or skinks are
• You don’t know anyone named Bubba, Slim, Billie Jean or Mavis
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Monday: It’s fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper

Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can’t say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don’t have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday: Tom’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
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The old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the government officials who had arrived to interview him.

“Chief Running Bear,” one official began, “you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done.”

The Chief nodded that it was so.

The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”

The Chief stared at the government officials for a minute, and then calmly replied, “When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night have s ex with squaws.”

The Chief leaned back and smiled, “White man dumb enough to think he could improve on that.”
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… On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
… On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
… On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
… On a Swanson frozen dinner: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
… On a Tesco’s Tiramisu Dessert (printed on bottom): Do not turn upside down.
… On a Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
… On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
… On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
… On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
… On most brands of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
… On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
… On Sainsbury’s peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
… On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
… On a child’s Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
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”I don’t like the idea of telling private business owners — I abhor racism. I think it’s a bad business decision to exclude anybody from your restaurant — but, at the same time, I do believe in private ownership.”

—Kentucky GOP Senate nominee and Tea Party favorite Rand Paul, arguing that government shouldn’t require private businesses to serve customers of all races, interview with Louisville Courier-Journal, April 25, 2010
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To any among you who believe you are technologically challenged. “you ain’t seen nuthin yet”. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Dell customer called in to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “Send” key.

4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and cleaning them individually.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “Bad and an Invalid.” The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” response shouldn’t be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents and told the tech that the computer had said it couldn’t find the printer. The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that the computer still couldn’t “see” the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and nothing happened. The tech asked what happened when she pressed the power switch. At that point she asked, “What power switch?”

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. “I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn’t even fit it in ……..” The user hadn’t realized the “Insert Disk 2” implied to “Remove Disk 1” first.

10. A story from a Novell net Wire Sys Op:
Caller: Hello, is this Tech Support?”
Tech: Yes, it is. How may I help you?”
Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”
Tech: I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?
Caller: Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.
Tech: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”
Caller: It came with my computer. I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.”
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn’t help it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under windows.” The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point because the man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine,”

12. AND, last but not least:
Tech Support: OK, Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now, click on the letter “P” to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Tech Support: “’P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”
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ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: “Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.”

IN THE BAG
A “tourist,” supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn’t know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did – backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

DEADHEADS
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

LEARN YOUR LESSON
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,” he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not pass through a red light’ five hundred times.”

AHH, THAT’S BETTER!
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went “a little bit too far” in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other’s head.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was “tired of walking,” stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership”. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school’s drug policy last week – for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him “jump higher.”

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school’s “zero-tolerance” policy…not to be confused with the “zero-intelligence” policy.

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
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