I Think I Farted
When Insults Had Class
These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison,” and he said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” – Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” – Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” – Abraham Lincoln
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright
“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson
“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” Jack E. Leonard
“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” – Robert Redford
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts, for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his unwell father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a video camera these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it look normal.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”
Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.”
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
New College Courses for Men as Prepared by Women
1… I’ll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
2… How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled “No, It’s Not a Bidet”)
3… “The Weekend” and “Sports” are Not Synonyms
4… Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bullshit
5… How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
6… The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
7… Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
8… Mother-in-Laws: They are People Too
9… Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
10… You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
11… Seeing the True You (formerly titled “No, You Don’t Look Like Brad Pitt When Naked”)
12… Techniques of Calling Home
13… You: The Weaker Sex
Out Of Tune
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed and the passion is really heating up. Suddenly, the wife stops cold and says, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.”
“WHAT?!?” exclaims the husband.
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight, so he might as well just deal with it.
The next day, the husband takes her shopping at a large department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. “We’ll take all three of them,” he tells her.
He then goes to the Shoe Department and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. Next, he heads to the Jewelry Department and picks out a pair of diamond earrings. The wife is very excited, sure that her husband has flipped out but she doesn’t care. She goes for the tennis bracelet.
“You don’t even play tennis,” he says, “but, ok, if you like it that much, then let’s get it.”
By now the wife is jumping up and down, so excited she can’t even believe what’s going on. “I’m ready to go,” she says, “let’s go to the cash register.”
“No, no, honey, we’re not going to BUY all this stuff,” he says. The wife’s face goes blank.
“No, honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while,” says the husband. The wife’s face goes red and she looks like she’s about to explode.
Just then the husband says, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!!”
Code Of Ethical Patient Behavior
We all go the doctor for our aches, pains worries and some of us go just to have someone to listen to our problems. Guess what, doctors are human too, so here are is a guide of what to do, and not to do, code of ethical patient behavior.
1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. They’ve already heard it before. Just sit back and take the pain
2. Be cheerful at all times. If you make your doctors unhappy, they might just make a slip with the needle as they are inserting it into your butt.
3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. It wouldn’t look to good if you are smiling when the medical books indicate you should be wincing.
4. It’s still sexual harassment even if you’re a babe, your sustained and repeated come-ons to pay in ‘trade’ are still harassment.
5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing. Hey, 4 years of medical school, 4- 7 years in residency and another one or two in fellowships have already made it impossible for your doctor to speak normal English anyway.
6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily. Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest, and you might even become famous in a medical textbook, or if you really complain enough, have a procedure named after you.
7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. (see #2, keep you doctor happy..)
8. Never die while in your doctor’s presence or under his direct care. That’s really bad form!
9. There is no excuse for smelling like that… Yes we do smell you… Take a bath. Your treatment room can’t be used for others for the rest of the day and you almost killed the doctor.
10. Farting is not ‘natural and ordinary’ just cause you’re with a doctor. You may likely be told you need a referral to a ‘specialist’.
11. It turns out the nurses do not want to have sex with you. It’s a shame but true.
Proof That God Doesn’t Like Lawyers Either
A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer.
On the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: “HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!”
Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.
Unfortunate Sports Names
10. Toby Oshitola: Soccer player (striker) for Barnet (UK).
9. Jack Glasscock: Shortstop and second baseman for Cleveland, 1879-95.
8. Harry Colon: Former defensive back for the Detroit Lions.
7. Rusty Kuntz: Former outfielder for the Detriot Tigers.
6. Dean Windass: Soccer player (forward) for Middlesbrough in the UK.
5. Ron Tugnutt: NHL goalie (Dallas Stars).
4. Misty Hyman: US Olympic swimmer.
3. Dick Trickle: NASCAR driver.
2. Gregor Fucka: Slovenian basketball player who now plays for Barcelona.
1. Pull Dickoff: Soccer player for West Ham United in the UK.
Gentle Thoughts For Today…
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are “XL”.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs”.
Bart Simpson’s Chalkboard Archive I
I will not sell school property.
I will not burp in class.
I will not cut corners.
I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not belch the National Anthem.
I will not sell land in Florida.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I will not show off.
I will not sleep through my education.
I am not a dentist.
Spitwads are not free speech.
Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
High explosives and school don’t mix.
I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
I will not squeak chalk.
I will finish what I sta
“Bart Bucks” are not legal tender.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.