Bea Arthur & Madame
Superhero Face Off: Rodney Dangerfield vs. Bill Murray (1982)
5 Deadly Terms Used By a Woman
1) “Fine” – This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to shut up.
2) “Nothing” – means “Something” and you need to be worried.
3) “Go Ahead” – this is a dare, not permission, don’t do it.
4) “Whatever” – A women’s way of saying screw you.
5) “That’s Ok” – She is thinking long and hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Bonus Word: “Wow!” – This is not a compliment; she’s amazed that one person could be so stupid.
At Least The Kids Trying To Help
A pastor was 10-minutes into his sermon when he noticed his young son in the balcony with a pea-shooter.
He was leaning over the “balcony” aiming, and popping people in the head.
As the pastor prepared to deliver a very public scolding of his boy hollered out, “You keep preaching Dad, and I’ll keep’em awake!
Rare Insults
• Shake your head and let me know if you hear rocks
• Common sense is chasing you, but you seem too fast to catch up
• Did you mean to say that out loud
• Yea keep smiling, you know my favorite color is yellow
• I envy people who don’t know you
• Your two cents is why they stopped making pennies
• You brighten every room you walk out of
• I know you tried your best, that’s what makes it so disappointing
• You have a really unique way of speaking, makes people really appreciate your silence
• Bring me back for when you have an argument
• I would explain it slower but I don’t believe speed is the problem
• No beef u ate it all
• I love how you say obvious things with such a sense of discovery
• You make trump look pretty smart
• I admire your confidence in being wrong so consistently
• All quiet on the frontal lobe
• Knowledge is fast but you seem to faster
I Wouldn’t Eat Whatever She Gives You
“I’m worried that I’m losing my wife’s love,” the husband told the counselor.
“Has she started to neglect you?”
“Not at all,” the dejected man replied. “She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she’s a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“Maybe I’m just being too sensitive,” the husband ventured, “but at night, when she thinks I’m sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, ‘Die! You son of a bitch, die!'”
Star Trek Future
Phaser
I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I’d zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap!
On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the “alien possession” defense is credible.
I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor’s dog likes to stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might be another neighbor’s dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him barking only twenty feet away.
In a situation like this, a phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn’t make much noise, so it wouldn’t disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I’ll explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor’s dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible.
And if that doesn’t work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.
Cyborgs
Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal with some new household malfunction.
If I were a cyborg, I might have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot of trips. From what I’ve seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so you can add whatever tools you think you’d use most.
I’d love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I’d like that. I’d program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear in my viewfinder that said, “Target Locked On”.
It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people talk to me. All I’d have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day long.
I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a cyborg.
The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you’re at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket and slay all the mourners.
But that risk can be minimized by saying you have an important business meeting, so you can’t make it to the service.
Shields
I wish I had an invisible force field. I’d use it all the time, especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal space. In fact, I’d probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a phaser to play with.
I wouldn’t need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future.
Long-Range Sensors
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office, you would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that means extra break time.
Vulcan Death Grip
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. That would have come in handy many times.
It would be easy to make the Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident: “I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.”
I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually undetectable.
Everybody would be killing people left and right. You wouldn’t be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet.
The most common sounds in corporate America would be, “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you a bigger raise, but… erk!”
And that’s why the future won’t be like Star Trek.
Why Did You Break Up?
I was chatting with a girl in a bar.
“Can I buy you a drink?” I asked.
“Have you got a girlfriend?” she replied. “Guys like you always have girlfriends.”
“No, sadly we broke up just over ‘a month ago,” I assured her.
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” she said. “Go on then-I’ll have a white wine.”
A few drinks later, after a kiss and cuddle, we headed back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on, she said, “So, you’re good-looking, a nice guy, and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you broke up with your girlfriend?”
I said, “My wife found out.”
Unavoidable Laws
These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe…
1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
17. Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
18. Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
19. Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
I Wouldn’t Pass Her Either
A lady failed the written driving test 4 times.
At the fifth attempt, she was determined to pass. But the test had the same question, “You are driving at 100 kmh. On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff. On the road you see an old man and a young man. What will you hit?
The woman walked up to the examiner and said, “I’ve answered this question all four ways, wall, cliff, old man and young man, yet I failed all four times. How is this possible. What am I supposed to hit???”
The examiner replied, “The brakes!!!”
Ways I Humbled My Teen This Week
• “Those are some big words for somebody who still sees their pediatrician!”
• “Don’t talk back, you’re eating dinner on the table you were made on!”
• She told me I can’t take a joke. I told her, “No, but I can make one.” The look on her face was priceless.
• She has me in her phone as “birth giver”, so I changed her name in mine to “Discharge”!
• “Imagine bullying the person who taught you to wipe your ass!”
• “You were supposed to be a back rub!”
• “Why should I listen to my participation trophy?”
• “This is why your dad made us try again!”
Yeh, It’s The Pig’s Fault
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
“Let’s have a party, Homer,” she suggested. “Let’s kill a pig.”
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. “Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”
I Wish This Was Just A Joke But It’s Not
These Guys Really Needed To Get Out More
Sounds Cool Until You Flip It Around And See How You Feel About It
What Doctor In Training Needs Two Guns?
But A For Effort
No, On Both Counts
He Was Running Away From That B!tch Minnie So Fast He Didn’t See Where He Was Going
Try Our Mini Pizza, Only In America
If People Smoked Cigarettes For The Taste
Law Firm Of The Future
