Friday Fun Stuff – 2-19-16

All 24 Types of Males Explained


Meeting Hitler In Hell


Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Not So Bright

• Not firing on all eight.
• A few clowns short of a circus.
• A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
• An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
• A few beers short of a six-pack.
• Dumber than a box of hair.
• A few peas short of a casserole.
• Doesn’t have all his corn flakes in one box.
• The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
• One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
• One taco short of a combination plate.
• A few feathers short of a whole duck.
• All foam, no beer.
• The cheese slid off his cracker.
• Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
• Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
• Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
• Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
• He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
• An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.


The Jury Foreman

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals, not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury of which to be proud.

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with eager anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.

The jury foreman replied: “Yes, we did look, but your client didn’t.”


Computer Pranks

1. THE PRINTER SHREDDER: This simple device can be added on to any printer, and will shred any document that you put in it.

2. FAKE MOUSE: a fake mouse runs in a wheel that is connected to your computer. As the mouse spins slower/faster, your screen will become darker/lighter “yeah. I just installed it. It really saves on power costs.”

3. AUTO BAD SPELLER: This program can take any document, randomly choose correctly spelled world and then spell them incorrectly.

4. TALKING COMPUTER: This simple program, when put on someone’s computer, whispers “psst! Hey Bob!” at random intervals.

5. SMOKER: This simple add on makes a monitor smoke. The amount of smoke will increase with the length of time the computer is used.

6. RANDOM ERROR: When installed, this will generate insensible error messages extremely often, no matter what the user is doing at the time.

7. TRACER: This program will generate messages such as “you have been traced trying to hack into the Pentagon’s secret files. The SWAT team has been dispatched and will arrive shortly. They have been advised to shoot to kill.” while the person is working on the internet.

8. COPUTER BOMB: Fake computer bomb. When the victim turns his computer on, his screen will be filled with the message: “WARNING computer bomb has been detected in system. It will be activated in ten seconds. Please enter deactivation code.” after ten seconds the computer will turn itself off and refuse to come on again until the next day.

9. CD LASER: This is just like an ordinary CD-ROM except in one respect. Its laser is higher powered, so when the computer reads CD it erases all the information from it.

10. WINDOWS Vista: This is the most evil one yet. It has random and insensible error messages, it has no storage system, it is impossible to understand, and is generally a complete disaster. In short, it is no different from the real thing.


Greatest Mysteries Of Life

• Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
• Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
• Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
• If a cow laughed, would milk come of out her nose?
• If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
• If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
• If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
• You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says,
• “Open somewhere else”?
• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
• Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s a shipment,but when you transport something
• by ship, it’s called cargo?
• You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?
• Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
• Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?


What Do You Study?

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He asked a girl, “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl replied, in a loud voice, “NO, I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man’s table and said with a laugh, “I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I bet you felt embarrassed, right?”

The man responded in a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ….. I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her, “I study law, and I know how to screw people.”


Quotes On Sex

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500.” – Lynn Lavner

“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” – George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.” – Sharon Stone

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” – Tiger Woods

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” – Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” – Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” – Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” – Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked !” – Jerry Seinfeld

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.” – Robin Williams

“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.” – Joan Rivers

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy. – Steve Martin

You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life. – Elmo Phillips

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” – Oscar Wilde


Mathematics?

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5=100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20=103%

And, look how far ass kissing will take you
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7=118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.


Truths About Parenting

- A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.

- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

- A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

- Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.

- Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.

- Celibacy is not hereditary.

- Familiarity breeds children.

- For adult education, nothing beats children.

- God invented mothers because he couldn’t be everywhere at once.

- God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.

- Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

- Having children will turn you into your parents.

- If a child looks like his father, that’s heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that’s environment.

- If you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

- Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.

- It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.

- It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they’ll know as little as their parents.

- Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

- One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.

- You can learn many things from children . . . like how much patience you have.

- Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

- There are three ways to get things done:
1) do it yourself
2) hire someone to do it
3) forbid your kids to do it

- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.

- Those who say they “sleep like a baby” haven’t got one.

- The best thing to spend on your children is time.


Greatest Mysteries Of Life

• Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
• Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
• Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
• If a cow laughed, would milk come of out her nose?
• If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
• If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
• If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
• You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says,
• “Open somewhere else”?
• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
• Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s a shipment,but when you transport something
• by ship, it’s called cargo?
• You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?
• Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
• Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?


Ten Signs Your Job Isn’t Working Out

Feeling like your time is almost up? Wondering if you should be polishing up your resume before you lose access to your company computer? Here are a few ways to tell if you’re on your way out of your current job.

1. They’ve cut the power to your cube…and only your cube.
2. Employees at the water cooler quickly disperse when you walk towards them, some of them whimpering.
3. Your boss points at you and says to the guy next to him, “That’s the person whose job you’ll be taking.”
4. Every day, while you’re on your lunch break, your boss logs onto your computer and reads your email.
5. Your desk has been moved from the cube farm to the boiler room.
6. Other employees keep wishing you good luck with the Afghanistan office.
7. After years of working at the same company, your boss still insists on calling you Jimbo…and your name is Michelle.
8. Your boss keeps handing your intern major assignments instead of giving them to you.
9. Your co-workers repeatedly leave you with the bill at office lunch outings.
10. You find out you’re the star of several of H.R.’s “What Not to Do” videos.


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