The Buster Keaton Story (1957)
Star Wars But It’s Ruined By AI
30 Fun Things To Do While Driving…
1. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
23. Paint your car with occult symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire trucks.
27. Stop and collect road kill.
28. Stop and pray to road kill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually…slow…down… to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
A Normal Day At A Walmart
Charlotte NC – A Walmart trip turned into a full-contact sporting event yesterday when two Charlotte women got into a scuffle in the ladies’ underwear department over a single discounted bra.
According to witnesses, the $6.99 “Comfort Lift Deluxe” was the last one on the rack, prompting what one bystander described as “The fastest grab I’ve ever seen outside a Black Friday TV sale.” The women both determined to claim the deal, allegedly exchanged heated words before the argument escalated into a tug-of-war worthy of ESPN coverage.
Police arrived to find the bra stretched beyond recognition and both women out of breath. One of them, identified as 51-year-old Marsha Cole, was arrested for disorderly conduct after refusing to calm down and insisting the bra “was practically in her hand first.”
The bra, sadly, did not survive. Walmart has no plans to restock.
A Great Way To Clean Your Toilet!!!
Great Directions here for a real clean toilet!!! Easy too!!!!
1. Lift both lids on your toilet bowl and add a couple of capfuls of shampoo to the water.
2. Go to the other room where the cat is sleeping, pick it up and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (You may need to stand on the lid, afterwards). The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
(Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)
4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a “power-wash” and “rinse”)
5. Have someone open the closest door to the outside (Be sure that no one is between the toilet and the outside door.)
6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where it will dry itself. After this procedure, both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean!
Sincerely,
The Dog
Bubba’s Three Daughters
Bubba had three daughters. One Saturday evening the door bell rang. Bubba answered the door, where he was greeted by a young man with bad case of acne.
The boy smiled, and said, “Hi, my name is Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re going to see a show. Can she go?”
Bubba shook his head, and told his daughter to have a nice time.
A short time later there was a knock at the door. Upon opening the door Bubba was greeted by another pimple faced boy who smiled and said, “Hi, my name is Eddie. I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?”
Bubba shook his head, and kissed his daughter good night.
No sooner had Bubba sat down that the bell rang again. Bubba opened the door to be greeted by a boy with clear skin who said, “Hi, My name is Chuck.” With that, Bubba shot him.
Letters Of Recommendation
THE PROBLEM
Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most states, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative.
THE SOLUTION
Here is an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways: You are able to state a negative opinion of the ex-employees poor work habits, while allowing the ex-employee to believe that it is high praise. When the writer uses these, whether perceived correctly or not by the ex-employee, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof.
1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy: “In my opinion,” you say as sincerely as you can manage, “you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you.”
2. To describe a person who is totally inept: “I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”
3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow
workers: “I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.”
4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled: “I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”
5. To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration: “I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”
6. To describe a person with lackluster credentials: “All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”
Customer Service
This is a true story from the Microsoft help line, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Microsoft employee was fired however; he is currently suing the Microsoft organization for “Termination without Cause.” This is the actual dialogue of a former Microsoft Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations)
“Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with Microsoft.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s a blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in Microsoft, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
“Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
“Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power failure.”
“A power…….a power failure?…. Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too fucking stupid to own a computer.”
Life Is All About Ass
You’re either married to an ASS,
divorced from an ASS or,
trying to forget an ASS.
You’re either working your ASS off,
sweating your ASS off,
laughing your ASS off,
kicking ASS,
kissing ASS,
spanking ASS,
hauling ASS,
wiping ASS,
busting ASS,
trying to get a piece of ASS,
or,
YOU ARE AN ASS!
Marriage Contract
By Wanda Sykes-Hall
They say marriage is a contract. No, it’s not. Contracts come with warranties. When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer. If your husband starts acting up, you can’t take him back to his mama’s house. “I don’t know; he just stopped working. He’s just laying around making a funny noise.”
Your Starship Captain Might Be a Redneck If . . .
1. Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.
2. He paints flames and an NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
3. You have a shuttle called “Billy Joe Bob”.
4. He refers to Klingons as “Critters”.
5. He refers to Photon Torpedoes as “Popguns”.
6. He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and aluminum foil.
7. He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.
8. He says “Got your ears on, good buddy” instead of “open hailing frequencies”.
9. He hangs fuzzy dice over the view screen.
10. He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.
11. He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.
12. He says “Yee-Ha!” instead of “Engage”.
13. He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.
14. He insists on calling his first officer “Bubba”.
15. He sets the fore view screen to re-runs of “Bassmaster”.
16. He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.
17. He paints the starship camouflage green.
18. He refers to a Pulsar as a “Blue Light Special”.
19. He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a “swamp”.
20. His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.
21. His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls and matching socks.
22. He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.
23. His idea of a “gas giant” is that big ol’ Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.
24. He sets his phaser to “Cajun”.
Why You Should Record Your Calls
Kid: So, Dad, why did Mom lock you out of the house?
Dad: She heard me on the phone with Uncle Steve talking about running errands.
Kid: What did you guys do?
Dad: Steve went to get a used car; I went to the store to get a tool to scrape paint off of furniture.
Kid: What’s wrong with that?
Dad: Well, all Mom heard was, “You go get the Escort, I’ll get the stripper, and we’ll meet up at your place.”
| I Miss The Good Old Days |
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| They Really Need To Make Those Warning Signs Bigger |
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| Well They Have To Learn Some Time |
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| Perfect For The Completely Normal Woman In Your Life |
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| Yeh, My Job Is That Bad |
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| I Have A Few Questions |
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| How To Know That Your Police Have Had Budget Cuts |
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| So That’s How You Know |
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| The Things We Do For Love…No, Not That Kind! |
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| We’ll Be On The Lookout |
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