MADtv Black Friday Shopping
If Driving Was Taught Like Sex Ed
Thanksgiving Weather Forecast
*Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190 F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. *
*During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy. *
*A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34 F in the refrigerator. *
*Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone. *
Children’s Science Exams
Almost better than a cup of coffee to start your morning….
If you need a laugh, read through these Children’s Science Exam Answers.
These are real answers given by children.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby. (I do love this one…)
Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word “benign” mean?’
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Adaptation Of The Raven
…try reading this one out loud…
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer. Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command. But got instead a reprimand: it read “Abort, Retry, Ignore.”
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion? These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before. Carefully, I weighed my options. These three seemed to be the top ones. Clearly I must now adopt one – Chose: “Abort, Retry, Ignore.”
With my fingers pale and trembling, Slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee Finally I pressed a key – But on the screen what did I see? Again: “Abort, Retry, Ignore.”
I tried to catch the chips off-guard – I pressed again, but twice as hard. Luck was just not in the cards, I saw what I had seen before. Now I typed in desperation, Trying random combinations. Still there came the incantation – Chose: “Abort, Retry, Ignore.”
There I saw, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted; Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw an awful sight, A bold and blinding flash of light, A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core. The PC screen collapsed and died, “Oh no – my database”, I cried!
I thought I heard a voice reply, “You’ll see your data-Nevermore!” To this day I do not know, the place to which our data goes, perhaps it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity – well, I fear it has gone straight to Hell. And that’s the tale I have to tell – Your choice: “Abort, Retry, Ignore.”
– Decidedly NOT Edgar Allen Poe
Things That Never Happen On Star Trek
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered before.
2. The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists who are all perfectly all right.
3. The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form, wearing a silly hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
6. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise’s computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
7. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
8. A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a ‘fuse’.
9. The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
12. The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
13. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify with candy.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in no way connected with the 20th century.
15. Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn’t explode or crash.
16. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, and some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone’s satisfaction.
17. The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
18. The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny day
19. An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, “would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant.”
20. A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
21. Picard hears the door chime and doesn’t bother to say “Come.”
22. Picard doesn’t answer a suggestion with “Make it so”!
23. Picard walks up to a replicator and says, “Coke on ice.”
24. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
25. Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi’s position.
26. Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, “Did he read you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He’s MINE!”
27. When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says “On screen.”
28. Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise’s hails.
29. Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn’t done in “Deja Vu” then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).
30. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
31. Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).
32. The warp engines start acting up a bit, but then seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
33. Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.
34. Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
35. Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.
36. Data falls in love with the replicator.
37. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn’t tragically separated from her at the end of the episode. [or even: Kirk (or Riker) meets an attractive woman and does not fall in love.]
38. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
39. An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.
40. Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
41. Kirk’s hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.
42. Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn’t rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk DOESN’T get into a fistfight…)
43. Kirk doesn’t end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn’t sacrifice herself for him.
44. Scotty doesn’t mention the laws of physics
45. Spock isn’t the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race/etc!! due to his “darn green blood” or “bizarre Vulcan physiology” and thus he cannot save the day.
46. The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock’s inability to understand the joke, and he doesn’t raise his eyebrow.
Born To Be A Super Salesman
A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big everything under one roof department store looking for a job.
The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Missouri.”
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow.”
I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
“How many customers bought something from you today?”
The kid says “one”.
The boss says “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?”
The kid says “$101,237.65.”
The boss says “$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?”
The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod, line and lures. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”
The boss said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”
The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’”
Rules Of Dieting
• If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. (This rule also applies to mixed drinks. Example: rum and diet coke)
• When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if they eat more than you do.
• Calories in food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Examples: hot chocolate, brandy and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
• If you fatten everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
• Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because everyone knows that movies aren’t real.
• When preparing food, things licked off spoons and knives have no calories. Examples: peanut butter on a knife when making a sandwich; ice cream on a spoon when making a sundae; cake frosting.
• Broken cookie pieces contain no fat. It leaks out.
• Foods that are the same color have the same number of calories, Examples: Spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. (Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.)
• Calories are a unit of heat. Therefore, frozen foods have no calories. Examples include ice cream, frozen pies and Popsicles.
• Wild Card. Each dieter may add one rule that pertains to their particular, unique situation.
The boss called one of his employees into the office.
“Rob,” he said, “you’ve been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you
were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it’s time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?”
“Thanks,” said the employee.
“Thanks?” the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?”
“I suppose not,” the employee said. “Thanks, Dad.”
Not A Hallmark
These are Hallmark greeting cards you’ll most likely never see
“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder:…
What was I thinking?”
“Congratulations on your wedding day!….
Too bad no one likes your wife.”
“How could two people as beautiful as you….
have such an ugly baby?”
“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love….
After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”
“I must admit, you brought Religion in my life….
I never believed in Hell until I met you.”
“As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am….
that you’re not here to ruin it for me.”
“As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me.
Like the need for therapy…”
“Thanks for being a part of my life!!!….
I never knew what evil was before this!”
Congratulations on your promotion.
“Before you go…would like you to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.”
“Someday I hope to get married….
but not to you.”
“You look great for your age….
“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me….
Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”
“I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend….
So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”
“We have been friends for a very long time….
What do you say we call it quits?”
“I’m so miserable without you….
It’s almost like you’re here.”
“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy….
Did you ever find out who the father was?”
“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket….
I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”
“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday….
So we’re having you put to sleep.”
“Your kisses are sweet, your hugs are passionate….
But compared to your sister, they’re only second rate.”
Do Anything You Want
One day, a husband came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy negligee.
“Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”
So he tied her up and left to play golf.
BBC News – UK Suicide Bombers Go On Strike
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with al-Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when al-Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdul Kazoo Fazool told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth” Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, al-Qaeda chief executive Aisheet Mapants explained, “I sympathize with our workers’ concerns but al-Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.
They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don’t like cutting benefits but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.
Spokespersons for the union in the Northeast of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been partly attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.