I Wish I Had A Professor Like This
10 Signs You’re In The Doghouse
1. She avoids making eye contact with you.
Fellas, we all know that women love making eye contact with their man. If she’s avoiding your gaze, it can only mean one thing: you’re in the doghouse!
2. She stops talking to you.
Women were put on this earth to talk. If she’s giving you the silent treatment, you better figure out what’s wrong and patch things up because guess what? You’re in the doghouse!
3. She says everything’s “fine.”
If you ask what’s wrong and your woman says everything’s “fine”—you KNOW things are bad! Pay attention to her tone of voice; if she uses a sarcastic tone or a tone that’s hard to describe or a regular tone, you are definitely in the doghouse!
4. She swears that “really, everything is fine.”
When you relentlessly demand to know what’s wrong and she continues to insist that “really, everything is fine,” there’s no question that you have been sentenced to the maximum security wing of the doghouse penitentiary. You better find out what you did so you can apologize!
5. She says you’re “scaring her.”
One telltale sign that you’re in the doghouse is when, after you’ve locked your woman in the crawlspace and told her you won’t let her out until she says what you did wrong, she claims that you’re “scaring her.” What she’s really saying is “Welcome to the doghouse, mister!”
6. She says she “never wants to see you again.”
Women say all kinds of funny things when you let them out of the crawlspace after a couple weeks, but if she says she never wants to see you again—you know something’s up. News alert: you’re probably in the doghouse!
7. She files a “restraining order” against you.
Be suspicious any time your woman’s lawyer tells you that you are no longer legally allowed within 200 yards of her because of that whole crawlspace business. Nine times out of ten, what she’s really saying is that your woman is upset with you and wants you to know that you’re in the doghouse. Sounds like someone better go buy some roses!
8. She “marries someone else.”
If you don’t hear from your woman for several years and then find out that she has gotten married, she’s clearly trying to tell you that something’s wrong! You’re going to need more than roses to get you out of this one. A nice orchid should do the trick. Bring the orchid to your woman’s new house and apologize for whatever you did wrong!
9. She pretends she “doesn’t know who you are.”
Every guy has been here: your woman has gotten married to send you a message, so you show up at her new house with a beautiful orchid and she pretends to have no idea who you are. Meanwhile, her new husband has you in a headlock and wants to know how you got into their house. Suddenly, your woman claims that the cops are on their way. Woops! Pop quiz: What is rapidly losing circulation to its brain and totally in the doghouse? Answer: You!
10. Your court-ordered psychiatrist says that “your entire relationship with the individual you insist on referring to as ‘your woman’ is an elaborate fantasy-turned-delusion that your subconscious created as a mechanism to avoid acknowledging the crushing disappointment of your real life. The woman and her husband have decided not to press charges on the condition that you commit to seeking professional mental help.”
If there’s one dead giveaway that your woman is angry with you, this is it! Go ahead and pour yourself a bowl of kibbles, ‘cause—you guessed it: you’re in the doghouse!
Best Ever Senior Citizen Joke
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her neighbor asks. “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The little silver haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all. no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh “Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
Facebook Status Translator
Facebook can be a wonderful tool. It’s good for reconnecting with old friends and organizing social events. Sadly, Facebook also has a dark, dark underbelly that could deflower your innocent mind if you are not careful. Due to spending an unhealthy amount of time reading Facebook statuses, I have been able to develop an accurate translation for what Facebook statuses actually mean.
Facebook Status Number 1: I luv my gf so much!!!! She is teh lite of my lif. We hav a luv tat wil last 4eva!
Translation: Despite my claims that our love will last forever, chances are that our love will only last just a couple more weeks. Hopefully, this status will make my girlfriend put out. Also, I cannot spell. I am a moron.
Facebook Status Number 2: UGGGGHHHH!!!! I hate my life. Why does everything always go so wrong for me?
Translation: Attention. I crave it.
Facebook Status Number 3: Worshipping Jesus/Allah/No one/ The Flying Spaghetti Monster/ Tom Cruise is right and everyone else is wrong!!!!!
Translation: I’m bored and I really want someone to argue with me right now.
Facebook Status Number 4: I’mmmmm ssssssoooooo drrrrruuuuunnnkk rite now!
Translation: I’ve had two shots of vodka.
Facebook Status Number 5: I hate the opposite sex. They suck.
Translation: Why won’t anyone go out with me? I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I generalize the very people that I so desperately want to be with. I also fail to realize that the common denominator in all of my failed relationships is me.
Facebook Status Number 6: I like smoking crack and I am a child molester!!!!
Translation: This status was made by a friend of the Facebook account holder. The Facebook account holder is obviously not a crack smoker or a child molester.
Facebook Status Number 7: I GOT SO MUCH SWAG BRO. BOW. DRINK UP TONIGHT! SWAG!
Translation: I need to be removed from the gene pool. Capital letters make a Facebook status 75 percent cooler. The fact that I exist make people doubt the very existence of God.
Facebook Status Number 8: My birthday is tomorrow!!!
Translation: Please wish me a happy birthday on Facebook tomorrow. Your “Happy Birthdays” validate my existence.
Facebook Status Number 9: -Insert copy and pasted status here-
Translation: I know everyone has already seen this status a million times. I think everyone has to see everything at least a million and one times before they are truly affected. Also, if rocks could die, I would have the creativity of a dead rock.
Facebook Status Number 10: IM SO SICK OF ALL THE DRAMA!
Translation: I am not sick of all the drama. Please give me more. Maybe drama can fix my caps lock key.
Facebook Status Number 11: Eating some pizza!
Translation: People care about my dietary choices.
Facebook Status Number 12: I’m so proud of little Johnny for scoring a goal in soccer today!!!
Translation: My kids are better than your kids, bitch. Your child doesn’t have shit on little Johnny.
Facebook Status Number 13: So, what do you guys think about politics?
Translation: I don’t want to argue, but I want other people to argue on my status. Getting tons of Facebook notifications makes me feel good about myself.
Facebook Status Number 14: I NEED YOU SO BAD BABY GIRL!!!
Translation: I have no interests and hobbies beyond my soon-to-fail relationship. Also, I need my baby girl to fix my caps lock key.
Facebook Status Number 15: Check out this link to the new rap I made and then put on Youtube.
Translation: Click this link and you’ll hate yourself for life.
Facebook Status Number 16: I’m so tired of people being bitchy to me. You know who you are!
Translation: Actually confronting the person who is giving me problems is way too courageous for me to do, so I’m going to passively-aggressively broadcast my problems to the public who mostly likely do not give a damn about my problems.
Devil In The Church
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
Satan asked, “Aren’t you going to run?”
“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”
Gentle Thoughts for Today
Birds of a feather flock together, and then shit on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ‘XL’.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs’
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
How To Dump A Guy
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Check those that apply…
___Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It’s just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
___You’re too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
___You’re too tall. I’m developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
___You have a hairy back.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.
___You still live with your parents.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.
Think Before You Speak
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak – the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back…or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did….
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
“How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl0wj0b?”
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn’t say a word…he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men’s balls”
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.”
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving “right now” she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
“If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s willy last night!”
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my burger, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said “No”.
I kept thinking “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.”
Then I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?”
“No,” he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, “Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
“SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!”
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their food laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked:
“So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?”
Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
How To Handle A Scammer
I had a call from a scammer the other day.
NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”
Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”
Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s okay Sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device Sir?”
Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes Sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”
Me: “I think it’s already on.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, Sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”
Me: “l don’t see that.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”
Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes Sir, now press on Internet Options.”
Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet, Sir. Press the Start button again.”
Me: “Okay, it’s the same as before.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s okay Sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”
Me: “Um … I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”
Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay sir. Please press that button.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device Off?
Me: “NO. The door popped open.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”
Me: “NO, there’s a burrito.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”
Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”
Dog Named Mypenis
Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog’s name was Mypenis?
- Mypenis ate my homework.
- Sorry I’m late. I was playing with Mypenis.
- I’m sorry, Officer. I didn’t realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
- Mypenis doesn’t come when I call it.
- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
- I love giving Mypenis a bath.
- At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.
- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won’t get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
- Mypenis got out last night. I think he’s sleeping with the lady next door.
- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
- Help! I can’t find Mypenis!
- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this: “Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”
“And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann’s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’yer lads to take care of the matter?”
Sergeant Jones, considering himself quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, “Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O’Malley then replied: “Aye, ’tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.”