Friday Fun Stuff – 6-6-25

Couples News

So, You’re Dead…Now What?

Alternative Forms Of Voter ID For Each State

Alaska — The name and physical description of a local plow driver
Nevada — An inventory of what you’ve pawned to try to recoup your gambling losses
Wisconsin — Pocket cheese
Michigan — The forlorn look that only a Lions fan could have
Texas — A gun, and a declaration that you’re “a good guy”
Kansas, Nebraska, Iowa — A framed photo of you holding up an ear of corn like an Academy Award
California — Your Academy Award
Colorado — A Polaroid of you in hiking boots kneeling beside your unwashed Subaru Outback
West Virginia — Sooty palms, which must then be washed to avoid invalid ballots
Alabama, Mississippi — Your plainly visible Confederate flag tattoo
Pennsylvania — The discreet Confederate flag tattoo under your collar
Connecticut — A LinkedIn reference from a Red Sox fan and a Yankees fan
Delaware — A record of all the times you’ve seen Joe Biden at the Wilmington Amtrak station
Washington, D.C. — A traffic cam snapshot of you running a red
North Carolina, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas — A bottle of your signature barbecue sauce (signature must be on bottle)
Hawaii — “Hawaiʻi”
Kentucky — Have never been to the Kentucky Derby
Indiana, Oklahoma — Arriving at the polls on your tractor
New Jersey — Directions to the nearest Sopranos filming location
Maryland — Directions to Camden Yards that avoid The Wire filming locations
Rhode Island — Which Newport mansion you’d like to own and why
Washington, Oregon — Commenting on how nice the overcast weather is
Massachusetts — The address of your lake house in New Hampshire
Maine — Digging out an L.L. Bean receipt from your cargo shorts
New Hampshire — A complaint about lake house owners from Massachusetts
Vermont — A self-portrait you whittled out of a stick
Louisiana — A catfish bite mark
Minnesota — Praising paper ballots purely as a sign of respect for Paul Bunyan
Florida — A video of you praising the “achievements” of the “outstanding” and “tall” Ron DeSantis
Arizona — The emergency cactus you keep on your back porch in case of severe drought
Georgia — The name and number of your Masters ticket connection
North Dakota — Any piece of clothing that says “North Dakota” on it
South Dakota — A friend of a friend says they know about “the treasure” buried in Mount Rushmore
Idaho, Montana, Wyoming — A ten-step plan in case the Yellowstone megavolcano erupts/the Democrats come to take your guns
Ohio — Defining “buckeye”
Virginia — A list of three things in your county that were once named after Robert E. Lee
South Carolina — A list of three things in your county that have recently been named after Robert E. Lee
Utah — A ski trip family photo (wide lens)
New York — Your driver’s license will do just fine, as long as you brag that it’s better than every other state’s

High School Reunion

Have you ever been guilty of looking at someone your own age and thinking, “Surely I can’t look that old?” You’ll love this one.

My name is Alice Smith, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which showed his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could this be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back when?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

“Yes. Yes, I did. I’m a Mustang,” he beamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1959. Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray, decrepit son-of-a-gun asked, “What did you teach?”

Catcalls From The Days After Doomsday Destruction

I bet you look cute underneath that hazmat suit, baby.

Hey girl, let me get your number, along with any additional resources you might have lying around, like a spare oxygen tank.

C’mon baby girl, give me a smile, despite the fact that everyone we love and know died in a catastrophic artificial intelligence domination that only left 2% of the Earth’s surface habitable.

Hey, sexy, I’m a nice guy. Maybe you and I could spend our final moments together in my doomsday bunker, reflecting on the good old days when we could breathe in the fresh air outside without experiencing total organ failure.

WHERE YOU GOIN’, SWEETHEART? Oh shit, you’re running away from that giant radioactive rat-guana charging straight at us.

HEY, YOU GOT A BOYFRIEND? Haha, I’m just kidding, he’s probably dead just like everyone else we know. Do you want to hang out sometime? I’m not asking to get together or anything like that, I just really would like to interact with another living being. I’ve spent the last two years only talking with ChatGPT-2001. I actually thought that I was the only person left on Earth this whole time, so it’s a relief to finally see another person.

Damnnnnn, I’d eat that cake up. In fact, I’d probably eat anything besides the dead carcasses of those radioactive rat-guanas at this point. I fear they’re causing my teeth to fall out and my insides to slowly deteriorate into a pulp.

C’mon princess, at least give me a chance considering the fact that we’ll both be dead from a lack of resources by next week.

Give me something, pretty lady… Please. Just talk to me. I’m so lonely. I’ve lost touch with myself entirely. The barren wastelands and the monotonous doomsday bunker have hollowed my spirit. Sometimes, I come to believe that ChatGPT-2001 has become sentient and has somehow stolen my soul, taking from me whatever humanity I once preserved. I get so paranoid that at times I’ll ask it, “Am I real?” Despite the fact that it always responds “yes,” I have this constant unnerving feeling that maybe this is all a metaverse.

How’d you get so sexy? I’m serious, how have your teeth not been falling out from all of the radioactive waste that’s surrounding us? That’s actually an incredible feat.

FINE, IGNORE ME. YOU WEREN’T EVEN MY TYPE ANYWAYS. Actually, I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I said that. You have lovely teeth. Please, I don’t want to die alone.

Let me get you a drink, hottie. Also, I’m so scared that I’ll succumb to the apocalypse and my mind will be fractured into a billion pieces as it absorbs into the technology around us, forcing me to become another cog in the machine. I fear I’ll die a meaningless death, becoming a wire in the computer of this new world, without having expressed anything real to anyone.

NICE BUTT!

It’s Called Patient Confidentiality

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.

The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist’s desk, be noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, “NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A S*X CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted applause! DON’T MESS OLD FOLKS.

Circles Of Hell Revised For Badly Behaved Prospective Employers

LIMBO: For employers who ghost a candidate.
These would-be employers sit in non-ergonomic chairs at a conference table with no water while wearing slightly-too-small, non-breathable business casual attire for eternity thinking, “I bet the perfect candidate is about to walk in.” Footsteps approach the door at random intervals, but no one ever enters.

LUST: For employers who flatter, compliment, and lead on their competing job seekers, ending every interview with, “Can’t wait to be in touch!” when they have no intention of being in touch.
These prospective employers spend eternity interviewing candidates who praise their company, have extensive knowledge of their potential position, and end their interviews with such teasers as, “I can’t wait to hear from you!” Upon receiving an offer, the candidate reveals that they have taken a position at a competing company that is run by the prospective employer’s toxic ex.

GLUTTONY: For employers who require a master’s degree but pay minimum wage with no benefits.
These are forced to lie beneath the crushing weight of their candidates’ multiple terminal degrees and interminable student debt while a lawyer whispers the terms and conditions of Graduate PLUS Loans into their ear like a lover.

GREED: For those who request multiple interviews, hyper-specific work samples related to the singular company’s niche, and a day-long “test exercise,” wherein candidates are required to spend twelve hours completing tasks ranging from a timed writing sample to fighting a lion.
These souls are condemned to interview each other for all eternity, build fully realized projects out of hypothetical scenarios, and rub the belly of a lion unscathed.

WRATH: Reserved for employers who blacklist a potential candidate because the candidate “liked” a Luigi Mangione look-alike contest on Instagram.
They are forced to comb through every Facebook photo album from 2007–2012 and flag all images that contain red solo cups, lit cigarettes, and ceramic 101 projects that are clearly not “vases.” When they miss one they must start over.

HERESY: Scammers who trick job-seekers into giving them personal information.
These bad actors are conned out of every penny they own by their most embarrassing crush every day in the same way, despite vividly remembering being conned out of every penny they own the day before and the day before that and the day before that.

VIOLENCE: For employers who request a résumé and also have a form on the application portal forcing job seekers to re-enter all the information on their résumé into text boxes which do not allow copy and paste.
Offenders shovel a single garbage pile weighing several thousand tons from one location to another until each piece is placed in the new pile. They then must shovel the entire pile back to the original location, ad infinitum. The shovel is a salad fork.

FRAUD: For employers who know the candidate that will be hired for a role, but post the job listing and interview candidates they don’t intend to hire in order to meet quotas and appease their human resources department.
Every day until the end of time, they interview an exceptional candidate for a highly technical position. It goes pretty well, actually—the would-be employer feels like they bond over their shared love of their a capella groups during their college years. When they extend an offer they find the candidate was using them as leverage to increase their compensation at their current role with an evil rival company across the street—one they had no intention of leaving. The candidate then reveals they’ve never even seen Pitch Perfect.

LINKEDIN: For former classmates who forward you inspirational LinkedIn posts instead of referring you to their firm that’s currently hiring.
These connections are trapped inside of LinkedIn for all time, where they are forced to network with HR solutions that will leverage your workforce, MBA programs unlike any other, and pay full price for LinkedIn Premium.

Really An Awesome Guy

So, aliens come to earth and they’re So nice. There’s a huge, televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, “Do you know of Jesus Christ?”

The aliens say, “Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!”

The Pope exclaims, “Every couple of years?? What!!?? We’re still waiting for his second coming!”

The alien replies, “Maybe he didn’t like your chocolate?”

The Pope is flabbergasted, “What does chocolate have to do with anything?”

The alien says, “Well when he came the first time, we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys give him?

Me Gurk, Stone-Age Man, Me Super Excited About New Year’s Resolutions

1. Lose holiday weight
2. Stop look at naked cave painting all day, find life partner
3. Get promotion. Head mammoth hunter available now that Krag decapitated
4. Krag wife: send flowers?
5. Explore Fertile Crescent—could be something there
6. Consider Paleolithic diet. (Atkins maybe?)
7. Stop think like Mesolithic Man, start think like New Stone Age man. Time to be me that me want to be
8. Take better care of skin. Already looking like middle-aged 17-year-old
9. Clean hut twice a day
10. Clean hut once a day
11. Clean hut when possible
12. Stop making doody in hut
13. Try cut hut-doody down to 2-3 times a week
14. Tackle to-do list. Finally look at smash copper + tin together
15. Tell rest of hut about + sign and numbers before next mammoth hunt, maybe useful for them
16. Start playing bone flute again, maybe get band back together

The Difference Between Bees And Wasps.

Bee: Hi there friend! How are you today? I’m just doing my job, pollinating flowers and all, no need to be afraid of me, I’m just happy I get to enjoy this wonderful weather with you.

Wasp: Oh, hey motherfucker, wanna go? I swear I will kill any cunt stupid enough to get 3 feet near me, I can sting you, and it will be the nastiest feeling you’ve had in awhile. Buzz Buzz, a$$hole. Bet that hurts doesn’t it? Stupid fuck.

When “Your Password Is Insecure” vs. When “Your Password Is Confident”

Your Password Is Insecure: password
Your Password Is Confident: Password.Period.

Your Password Is Insecure: password1
Your Password Is Confident: JustPassword.IDontNeedNumbers.ICanStandOnMyOwn

Your Password Is Insecure: 123456789
Your Password Is Confident: ImAStr8Up10

Your Password Is Insecure: !@#$%^&*()
Your Password Is Confident: AllCharactersAreSpecialCharacters

Your Password Is Insecure: qwerty
Your Password Is Confident: QwertyFlirtyAndThriving

Your Password Is Insecure: picture1
Your Password Is Confident: PhotogenicAF1

Your Password Is Insecure: Harvard2016
Your Password Is Confident: NotDefinedByWhereIWentToCollege#StudentOfLife

Your Password Is Insecure: iloveyou
Your Password Is Confident: ILoveYou.ButILoveMeMore.

Your Password Is Insecure: WhyAmINeverGoodEnough?WhyAreYouAlwaysAskingMeToChange?ImTryingMyBest.ButItsSoHard.YouWantMeToIncorporateLettersAndNumbersAndSpecialCharacters.ButImNotAllowedToUseAllSpecialCharactersAndICantRepeatPreviouslyUsedPasswordsAndIfIForgetThisNewPasswordYoullLockMeOutAndMakeMeChangeAGAIN.DoYouHaveAnyIdeaHowHardThatIs?HowAmISupposedToPleaseYouWhenICanBarelyPleaseMyself?IWantYouToAcceptMeForMe.IJustWantToBeMe.
Your Password Is Confident: password

I Have Outlived My Pecker By Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I’ve got a full time job,
To find the fuckin’ thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head.
And watch me tie my shoes!!

Can We Just Get This Over With Already