Friday Fun Stuff – 5-8-15

George Carlin May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008

I had the honor of seeing George Carlin in one of his last performances at the Orleans Hotel in Las Vegas on June 14th.
No one in the audience could have guessed that he would be dead in a week. From the first minute on stage he had people in the audience laughing so hard they could hardly breathe. He even tested out some new material that was going into his 15th HBO special. It will be one of my greatest regrets that I didn’t video tape it.

Even if we had the talent I doubt that many of us would have the strength and drive at the age of 71 to still be writing new material and touring around the country to sell out theaters.

I know George was a devout atheist but just in case he was wrong I know that along with the other godfathers of modern comedy (Lenny Bruce and Richard Pryor) he’s making God laugh so hard the sacramental wine is coming out his nose.

We’ll miss you George ;~)

George Carlin

Seven Dirty Words

Some Of His Greatest Hits

Quotes From George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Here’s another question I have. How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness. Name 6 ways we’re better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? ‘Cause chickens are decent people. You don’t see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don’t see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When’s the last chicken you heard about come home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn’t happen, ’cause chickens are decent people.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Religion convinced the world that there’s an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there’s 10 things he doesn’t want you to do or else you’ll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! …And he needs money! He’s all powerful, but he can’t handle money!

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would’ve made our arms shorter.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

“Why isn’t prostitution legal? Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. So why shouldn’t selling fucking be legal? I can’t follow the logic in that. Why is illegal to sell something that is perfectly legal to give away?”

George Carlin Quote on the duty of being a comedian

“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”

He was THE advocate of the first amendment, over a course of nearly 50 years, this man never compromised his beliefs, never gave in, never gave a rats ass about whether or not he offended someone, and he never stopped reminding us not to listen to bullshit. The last person to ever be arrested for “obscenity” was a comedian by the name of Lenny Bruce, in 1961 at a show in San Francisco, as he was being arrested a cop asked a kid in the crowd for some ID, the kid refused, saying he had the constitutional right not to give any, he was promptly arrested and put in the same squad car as Lenny Bruce. That kid was a young George Carlin.

This addition of Friday Fun Stuff wouldn’t be complete without Georges “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television”

“Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, & Tits”

— George Carlin

Impressions Of Mother

4 YEAR OLD: My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEAR OLD: My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEAR OLD: My Mother doesn’t really know quite everything.
14 YEAR OLD: Naturally, my Mother doesn’t know that, either.
16 YEAR OLD: Mother? She’s hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEAR OLD: That old woman? She’s way out of date!
25 YEAR OLD: Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEAR OLD: Before we decide, let’s get Mom’s opinion.
45 YEAR OLD: Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEAR OLD: Wish I could talk it over with Mom . . .

Mom’s Brownie Recipe

Here’s a recipe to make Mom’s famous brownies!

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr. “no, no.”

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.

Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Billy again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from
cat’s tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from Jr. and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9×13 inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.

Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.

Throw cat outside while there’s still time and he’s still able to run away.

Frosting–Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine.

Take the %$$&#&% teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away — far away.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn’t know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.

Put Jr. in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man’s front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie Billy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven.

Man Of The House

The husband had just finished reading the book, ‘MAN OF THE HOUSE’.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

His wife replied, “The funeral director would be my guess?!”

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

• Burp, and then say “mmmm…tasty!”
• Leave a box between the doors.
• Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
• Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.
• Start a sing-along.
• When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”
• Play the harmonica.
• Shadow box.
• Say “Ding!” at each floor.
• Lean against the button panel.
• Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
• Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
• Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
• Bring a chair along.
• Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
• Blow spit bubbles.
• Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
• Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
• Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
• Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
• Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
• Stare at your thumb and say “I think it’s getting larger.”
• If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”

A Wise Schoolteacher

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: “If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I’ll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.”

Just Hilarious

1. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
2. If you can remember the’60s, then you weren’t there.
3. Never hit a man with glasses, hit him with your fist.
4. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
5. Some drink at the fountain of knowledge…others just gargle.
6. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
7. It’s not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.
8. Murphy was an optimist.
9. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
10. Hard work never killed anyone…but why take the chance.
11. Hire a teenager while they still know it all.
12. When everything comes your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
13. Know thyself. If you need help, call the CIA.
14. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
15. I had an IQ test. The results came back negative.
16. Life is cheap. It’s the accessories that kill you.
17. As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841
18. To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
19. If you think no one cares, miss a couple of payments.
20. Murphy’s Law only fails when you try to prove it.
21. If at first you don’t succeed…forget skydiving.
22. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
23. Everyone loves a moose. Some just don’t know it.
24. A penny saved is 2.5 grams of zinc alloy.
25. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
26. Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
27. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Dear Abby

The following are a few letters sent to Abigail Van Burin (Dear Abby) that she herself admitted she was at a loss to answer:

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now, how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

You Know You Drink Too Much Coffee When…

• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• You ski uphill.
* You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
• You speed walk in your sleep.
• You have a bumper sticker that says: “Coffee drinkers are good in the sack.”
• You answer the door before people knock.
• You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
• You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
• The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
• You lick your coffeepot clean.
• You spend every vacation visiting “Maxwell House.”
• You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work
• You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• You chew on other people’s fingernails.
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
• You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
* You can type sixty words per minute, with your feet.
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• Cocaine is a downer.
• All your kids are named “Joe.”
• You don’t need a hammer to pound in nails.

Unofficial Smilie Dictionary

- – -:-) User is a punk rocker
- – -:-( (real punk rockers don’t smile)
:=) User has two noses
+-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office
`:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning
,:-) Same thing…other side
|-I User is asleep
|-O User is yawning/snoring
:-Q User is a smoker
:- ? User smokes a pipe
O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver)
O :- ) User is an angel (at heart, at least)
:- P Nyahhhh!
:-S User just made an incoherent statement
:- D User is laughing (at you!)
:-X User’s lips are sealed
:-C User is really bummed
<|-) User is Chinese <|-( User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes :-/ User is skeptical C=:-) User is a chef @= User is pro-nuclear war :- o Uh oh! (8-o It's Mr. Bill! *:o) And Bozo the Clown! 3:] Pet smile 3:[ Mean Pet smile E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator :-9 User is licking his/her lips %-6 User is brain dead [:-) User is wearing a walkman (:I User is an egghead <:-I User is a dunce @:-) wearing turban :-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab) :-: Mutant Smilie |.-) only has one eye ,-) Ditto...but he's winking X-( just died 8 :-) wizard C =}>;*{)) Mega-Smilie… A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an updraft, a mustache, and a double chin

Note: A lot of these can be typed without noses to make midget smilies.

: ) Midget smilie
:] Gleep…a friendly midget smilie who will gladly be your friend

Don’t Let Your Husband Retire

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, ‘Madonna Look’ using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And finally;

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’

One of the clerks passed out.

Hey Mom Guess What We Learned To Grow At Camp This Summer
Hey Mom Guess What We Learned To Grow At Camp This Summer
Damn It! I Said Make A LEFT!!!
Damn It! I Said Make A LEFT!!!
Would You Braid Mine Too?
Would You Braid Mine Too
Woman Just Don’t Understand Beer Goggles When Their Not The Ones Wearing Them
Woman Just Don't Understand Beer Goggles When Their Not The Ones Wearing Them
I Always Wondered What That Stood For
I Always Wondered What That Stood For
Just Because You Said Not, To Were Going To Do It Anyway
Just Because You Said Not To Were Going To Do It Anyway
The Reality Of Internet Dating
The Reality Of Internet Dating
And You Alwasy Thought He Was A Bad Ass Rapper
And You Alwasy Thought He Was A Bad Ass Rapper
Somebody Get Me Another Beer!
Somebody Get Me Another Beer!
If They Made It Today Somehow I Just Don’t Think It Would Be The Same
If They Made It Today Somehow I Just Don't Think It Would Be The Same

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