Mary Poppins Quits with Kristen Bell
Elmo And Robin Williams (blooper reel)
Bumper Stickers
• BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore
• CAUTION: I brake just for the hell of it!
• CAUTION: I drive like you do
• Don’t drink and drive…
You might hit a bump and spill your drink
• Eat Lamb: 50,000 Coyotes can’t be wrong
• HEY YOU!!! Hang-up and drive DAMMIT!!!
• I killed a 6-pack…Just to watch it die
• I know what you’re thinking…Shame on you!!!
• I love animals…they’re delicious
• I need someone really bad…Are you really bad?
• I said “NO” to drugs…but they just wouldn’t listen
• If you can read this…I’ve lost my trailer
• If you’re gonna “Moon”…Make sure your butt’s clean first
• I’m driving this way just to piss you off
• I’m not a tourist…I live here
• I’m not dumb or deaf I just like to block your way
• MAKE LOVE NOT WAR…See driver for details
• WARNING: I failed my urine test
Math Problem
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don’t be upset, I Shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this,
I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation.
Although with one small difference, 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Fun Things To Do While Taking A Drivers Test
1. Turn the radio on. When the instructor’s hand reaches to turn it off, slap his/her hand.
2. Rev the car really high, turn to the instructor, and say with an evil look, “Buckle Up!”
3. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of saran wrap so he doesn’t get the seat dirty.
4. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood and say, “oops!”
5. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, “now which one is the gas again?”
6. Fill your car with beer bottles.
7. After the instructor gets in the car, pop the hood, get out and change the oil.
8. Throughout the entire test, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
9. Swear at everybody on the road.
10. Tell the Registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
11. When your at a red light look back and forth between the light and the person next to you.
12. Beep your horn at everything.
13. Flip everyone off.
14. Before you go to take the test hang a stuffed hand outside the trunk so that it looks like someone is inside.
15. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the instructor to hold it
The Importance of Underwear
Listen up! Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle…
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Geezer Pickup Lines
l. Your heating pad or mine?
2. You’re not dead yet either? We have so much in common!
3. That pretty smile of yours would sure look goo0d in a glass on my nightstand!
4. Hey, baby. Wanna help me test my new hip replacement?
5. Do you play bingo, because I swear I’ve seen you B4.
6. Ever had a lap dance in a wheel chair before?
7. Make like a compression sock and give me a squeeze!
8. Like to come by and see my medicine cabinet?
9. Do you have an oxygen tank? Because you took my breath away.
10. Come here often? If so, could you tell me where I am?
The Last Wish
Great-Uncle Harold planned his own funeral down to the final second. As his casket was lowered into the ground, a thick cloud of purple smoke erupted from the turf, followed instantly by AC/DC blasting Highway to Hell from hidden speakers.
The family gasped and glared at Harold’s terrified grandsons. Then, the oldest grandson fumbled with an iPad and pressed play on a pre-recorded video.
Harold’s face appeared on the screen, looking vibrant and smug from his hospital bed. “If you are watching this, the smoke bombs worked and my plan is complete,” Harold said cheerfully. “Do not blame the boys. I wanted one last chance to make you all clutch your pearls. Now go home and stop fighting over my golf clubs—I left them to the stray cat down the street.”
Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer
10. Lower corner of screen has the words “Etch-a-sketch” on it.
9. It’s celebrity spokesman is that “Hey Vern!” guy.
8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend’s car.
7. It’s slogan is “Pentium: redefining mathematics”.
6. The “quick reference” manual is 120 pages long.
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
4. The screen often displays the message, “Ain’t it break time yet?”
3. The manual contains only one sentence: “Good Luck!”
2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1. You’ve decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form
Dear [____rejectee’s name here_____] I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
[Check all those that apply]
___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.
___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants.
___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you babe?” comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.
___ You failed the credit check.
___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.
___ You still live with your parents.
___ You mention your ex-girlfriend’s name more than you mention mine.
___ Three words: size does matter.
Sincerely, [Your name here]
Trivia: New & Old
Alaska could hold the 21 smallest States.
[But then it would be REALLY crowded!]
If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
[Big deal. The same thing happens if you throw a drunk in a pool.]
Kermit the Frog is left-handed.
[Doesn’t something have to be alive to favor a ‘hand’? “Oh look, my cactus is right-handed.”]
Nondairy creamer is flammable.
[A possible cause of heartburn.]
If you can see a rainbow you must have your back to the sun. If you don’t, you can’t see it.
[It’s a trick! Never turn your back on the sun!!]
It’s rumored that sucking on a copper penny will cause a breathalyzer to read 0.
[This occurs when the penny sticks in your throat, causing death.]
Dogs and humans are the only animals with prostates.
[Ever try to give your dog a home prostate exam?]
Assuming Rudolph was in front, there are 40,320 ways to arrange the other eight reindeer.
[For people who have way to much time on their hands.]
The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of “F”.
[The key of “F” is phonetic for fone.”]
The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
[This explains why every koala bear in the US is kept behind bars. One may be the killer OJ is looking for.]
The ship, the Queen Elizabeth 2, should always be written as QE2. QEII is the actual queen.
[The queen can’t do numbers.]
There were no squirrels on Nantucket Island, Massachusetts until 1989.
[It took the island that long to collect enough nuts.]
The correct response to the Irish greeting, “Top of the morning to you,” is, “and the rest of the day to yourself.“
[This is a myth. The Irish have no concept of morning due to excessive drinking the night before.]
The Les Nessman character on the TV series WKRP in Cincinnati wore a Band-Aid in every episode, either on himself, his glasses, or his clothing.
[He was amazingly careless.]
Before Prohibition, Shlitz Brewery owned more property in Chicago than anyone else, except the Catholic church.
[During Prohibition people discovered the English translation of the word “Shlitz.”]
When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home to a sellout crowd, the stadium becomes the state’s third largest city.
[And by then end of the game, they’ve shucked the entire corn harvest.]
John Larroquette of “Night Court” and “The John Larroquette Show” was the narrator of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”
[It’s amazing; he sounds just like a chainsaw!]
Ohio is listed as the 17th state in the U.S., but technically it is Number 47. Until August 7, 1953, Congress forgot to vote on a resolution to admit Ohio to the Union.
[Obviously Ohioans were living in sin all those years.]
When Saigon fell, the signal for all Americans to evacuate was Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” being played on the radio.
[Snow in Saigon? That wouldn’t sound suspicious.]
The dome on Monticello, Thomas Jefferson’s home, conceals a billiards room. In Jefferson’s day, billiards were illegal in Virginia.
[The founders of our country felt anything with that many balls must be evil.]
The pet ferret (Mustela putorias furo) was domesticated more than 500 years before the house cat.
[Trick statement. The house cat has NEVER been domesticated.]
You Will Never Forget This Day
Dad texts his son before his wedding,
“To my dear son. Today is the day you will cherish for all the days of your life, my best love and good wishes, Dad.”
His son texts back,
“Thanks Dad, but the wedding isn’t until tomorrow.”
His Dad replies,
“I know.”
Ask Her When Dinners Going To Be Ready
You Have Been Warned
WAIT! I’M NOT DEAD YET! I SWEAR!
Does The 10 Year One Include Barb Wire Or Is That Extra?
Who Ok’d This Name?
My Brother Was An Asshole Growing Up But Now He Has Kids And I Found Them The Perfect Birthday Gift
I’ll Have A German Beer Please
The Older I Get The More I Understand This Guy
Place Your Bets, Place Your Bets!
Some Friends You Just Can’t Get Rid Of
