Either The Cat Goes Or I Do
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Buy another beer.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth is not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to washroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points towards ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand behind nearest dog, complain about her house training.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Buy another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to the bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
And God populated the earth with cauliflower, spinach, broccoli and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would be able to live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, “Would you like fries with that?”
And Man replied, “Super size them.” And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so attractive.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And Woman gained pounds.
And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.”
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese.
And there was ice cream for dessert. And Woman gained pounds.
And God said, “I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.”
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel, so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.
And God said, “You’re running up the score, Devil.” And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he also created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, “It is good.”
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed, and created quadruple bypass surgery, angioplasties, and stints….
And Satan created HMOs…
The 13 Biggest Lies
13. The check is in the mail.
12. You get this one, I’ll pay next time.
11. You look great.
10. Of course I love you.
9. It’s not the money, it’s the principle of the thing.
8. …but we can still be good friends.
7. She means nothing to me.
6. Don’t worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on “empty.”
5. Don’t worry, he’s never bitten anyone.
4. I’ll call you later.
3. I’ve never done anything like this before.
2. I’m from your government, and I am here to help you.
1. I DO.
Dog Pet Peeves About Humans
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me. Not funny, not funny at all.
3. Yelling at me for barking. I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. STOP IT!!
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why did you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven’t quite mastered the handshake thing yet. IDIOT!!
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous!
10. Dog sweaters. Have you not noticed the fur? IMBECILE!!
11. Any haircut that involves bows and ribbons. Now you know why we chew your shit up when you’re not at home.
12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. Wow, you fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you NITWIT!
15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn’t yet solved the VISIBLE fence problem!!
Golden Oldies Re-Released
Especially for all Baby Boomers, many of the most popular Golden Oldies have been re-released. The following collection of favorites can be found on a new album called ‘Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated Oldies’:-
Roberta Flack – “The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”
The Temptations – “Papa Got a Kidney Stone”
Nancy Sinatra – “These Boots Are Made For Bunions”
Carly Simon – “You’re So Varicose Vein”
The Bee Gees – “How Can You Mend a Broken Hip”
Paul Simon – “Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver”
Johnny Nash – “I Can’t See Clearly Now”
The Beetles – “I Get By with a Little Help From Depends”
Marvin Gaye – “I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts”
Herman’s Hermits – “Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”
Leo Sayer – “You Make Me Feel Like Napping”
ABBA – “Denture Queen”
Commodores – “Once, Twice, Three Times My Back’s Out”
Steely Dan – “Rikki Don’t Lose That Clapper”
Procol Harum – “A Whiter Shade of Hair”
Creedence Clearwater Revival – “Bad Prune Rising”
The Who – “Talkin’ ‘Bout My Medication”
The Troggs – “Bald Thing”
What’s the definition of a teenager?
God’s punishment for enjoying sex.
Signs That You’ve Grown Up!
• Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
• You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
• 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
• You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
• You watch the Weather Channel.
• Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
• Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
• You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
• You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
• Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
• Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
• A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”
• You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
• “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces, “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
• 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
• You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
• You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old ass.
Diary Of A Viagra Housewife
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When the time came to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, does he actually think I haven’t noticed?
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson’s Column and burst into tears.
A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his ‘problem’. It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
What absolute bliss!
Life sure is wonderful, but it’s hard to write when he’s doing that.
This Viagra thing has really gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it’s very nice — I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I’m also getting a bit sore down there.
No time to write. He might catch me.
Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with neat whiskey! What am going to do? I feel tacky all over…
I’m basically being screwed to death. It’s like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He’s a complete pig.
I wish he was gay. I’ve stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing, but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous…
Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that “Oops, sorry” thing again, I’ll kill the jerk.
I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun, but it just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
I think I’ll have to kill him. I’m starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won’t go near him and our friends don’t come over any more. Last night I told him to go screw himself and he did.
The jerk has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Switched the pills but it doesn’t seem to have made any difference… Dear Lord! Here he comes again!
He’s back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!
Questions And Answers From An AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore…under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: ‘And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt.’
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly…wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique
A: ‘Gosh, I remember these.’
27 Facts About Men (from a woman’s point of view)
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Men who have tattoos think they have a piece of artwork on them. Yeah, like a flaming skull is art?
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear “We need to talk about our relationship.” These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits, Women have two types: depressing and more depressing Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men I’ve never seen a man walk into a party and say “Oh no, I’m so embarrassed; I’ve got to get out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo.”
14. Most men hate to shop that’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
16. If you’re dating a man who you think might be “Mr. Right,” is he, a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17. No man is charming all of the time Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”
22. If a man says, “I’ll call you,” and he doesn’t, he didn’t forget, he didn’t lose your number, he didn’t die. He just didn’t want to call you.
23. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis I asked him, “Are we going to have fun again?” He said, “Maybe… next year.”
24. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you… I want to marry you… I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.
25. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
26. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to flirt with young girls and drive motorcycles.
27. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.