Friday Fun Stuff – 10-3-25

Teacher Rage Yoga: For Educators Who’ve Had Enough

To the Boys Who May One Day Date My Daughter

Camping Hints

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

Modern rain suits made of fabrics that “breathe” enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

You’ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping: Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

It’s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

A Credit Card Nightmare
OR
Why Software Quality Assurance Is So Important

In March 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too.
The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn’t send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they’d take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man’s bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

Daffynitions:

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest Opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

All Purpose Excuse Form

All Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you’ve gotten in. Whenever there’s a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You’ll be surprised how effective this form can be!

Dear:
a) Mom
b) Dad
c) love of my life
d) Assistant Principal
e) Local Police Chief,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) Car
b) House
c) Pet
d) Espresso maker
e) Left arm

was severely damaged by my
a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated

prank.

How could I have known that the
a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent driven sledge
e) Zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house
b) wife
c) Cub Scout troop
d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with light bulb in the torch
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,

you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine
b) fathom
c) comprehend
d) appreciate
e) pay for,

and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me
b) sue me
c) spank me
d) take my firstborn
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,

but I ask you to remember all the good times we’ve had, joshing around at
a) school
b) work
c) church
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail,

and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friend
b) child
c) sibling
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
a) was so stupid
b) was so silly
c) would have been funny if it worked
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first
e) I’m going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,

Me.

The Original Hollywood Squares

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when “Hollywood Squares” game show responses were spontaneous and clever — not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I Love You”?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are “Do It,” “I Can Help,” and “I Can’t Get Enough”?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps! One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Expensive Pictures

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said, “David, I have some good news and some bad news.”

David replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she told me she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15—20 million. I think she could be right.”

David replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman. What’s the bad news?”

The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

Truths About Parenting

- A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
- A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.
- Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.
- Celibacy is not hereditary.
- Familiarity breeds children.
- For adult education, nothing beats children.
- God invented mothers because he couldn’t be everywhere at once.
- God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
- Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
- Having children will turn you into your parents.
- If a child looks like his father, that’s heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that’s environment.
- If you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
- Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
- It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
- It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they’ll know as little as their parents.
- Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
- You can learn many things from children . . . like how much patience you have.
- Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
- There are three ways to get things done:
1) do it yourself
2) hire someone to do it
3) forbid your kids to do it
- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
- Those who say they “sleep like a baby” haven’t got one.
- The best thing to spend on your children is time.

How to Solve a Problem

There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said, “To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of exchanging ideas, develop a solution.”

The engineer said, “No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.”

The programmer said, “I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.”

You Know You’re In Nevada When . . .

• You can say 110 degrees without fainting…
• You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off…
• You can make instant sun tea…
• You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron…
• The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly…
• You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car…
• You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window…
• You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance…
• Hot water now comes out of both taps…
• It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets…
• You actually burn your hand opening the car door…
• You break a sweat the instant you step outside…at 7:30 a.m. before work…
• No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning…
• Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death”?…
• You realize that asphalt has a liquid state…

Low Bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “low bridge ahead.”

Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”

The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

I Always Wondered What Those Meant