He Said She Said
An un-romantic comedy
The Joy of Non Sex
This is just plain stupid!
Are You Smarter Than A 5th or 6th Grader?
Some thoughts about science from 5th and 6th grade students:
Q: What is one horsepower?
A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
Lime is a green-tasting rock.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they’re there.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won’t drown when we breathe.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
The wind is like the air, only pushier.
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of “Kotex Tips for Life” on it. Annoying advice such as:
- Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
- Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
- Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
- Try Kotex blah blah blah other products.
Obviously the person behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning pair of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman TO HER FACE that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. See what happens and report back. I’ll wait here.
While you’re at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I guaran-damn-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.
Look, females don’t need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing “helpful” crap like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, most containing alcohol.
Printing out shit advice while sneaking in ads for the brand THAT WAS ALREADY PURCHASED is just plain annoying, not to mention rude and enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.
Mostly we’d like to forget that we even need these products. It’s not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging.
Put the shit in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.
There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the damn store. The ultimate goal of your product should be functional invisibility at every stage, including the point of purchase.
So take your tips for living and shove them right up your ass.
(Try drinking six to eight glasses of water to make you feel fresher while you’re doing it!)
And what they really mean.
1. Advancement Opportunity – Shit job
2. Entry Level – Really a shit job
3. No Experience Necessary – The mother of all shit jobs
4. Administrative Assistant – Shit job with a title
5. Ground Floor Opportunity – Shit job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year
6. Progressive Company – Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday
7. Team Player – Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities
8. Upbeat Personalities – Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug/alcohol rehab benefit within the first year
9. Word Processing Skills Essential – There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future
10. Public Relations Receptionist, Professional Appearance Important – $20K a year job that requires a $100K a year wardrobe
11. Pleasant Telephone Manner – Be the voice of 1-900-SEX-SUCK
12. Earn Up To $300/Hour – Be 1-900-SEX-SUCK
13. Salary Range $24K to $32K – The Salary is $24K
14. BA Required, MA Preferred – Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.
Overheard a guy in the library today asking for a book on Homosexual Dwarf Sex.
The librarian replied “How can you stoop so low?”
“Thats the one” he replied
After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide today. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better!
I spent some time by the wife’s grave today….
She doesn’t know, she thinks I’m digging a pond
Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’
Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell…’
It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?” To which she replied “Probably that I married you for your money.”
Honest, officer….I don’t know either of the women…and the midget was on fire when I got here.
I never said it was your fault…I only said I was blaming you for it!
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.
They’ve told the public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it inside.
I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
I am fluent in three languages: English, Sarcasm, and Profanity!
Don’t cry over spilled milk. It could have been beer!!
Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say “congratulations.”
But none of them rub your dick and say “well done”?
(Obvious answer – They know she is going to have a baby. They suspect it may not be yours.)
Paybacks Are Hell!!!
This letter was sent to the School Principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.
Dear Lions Bay School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fu(k off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
G-d bless you all.
Heavy drinker, 35. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, football, and starting fights at three o’clock in the morning.
Bitter, disillusioned man, lately rejected by longtime fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
Ginger haired man, a troublemaker, gets shit-faced and punches cops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
Devil-worshipper, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Man, 26, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 24 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
Rednecks: Ya Gotta Luv’em
A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow . . . but she can’t touch it ’till she’s 14.
How do you know when you’re staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say, “I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies …..”Go ahead.”
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Two reasons why it’s so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records
Who invented the toothbrush?
A Redneck!! (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush)
Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
A new Redneck law was just recently passed when a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
Did you hear that the Redneck Governor’s Mansion burned down?
‘Yep. Prit’near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the Governor hadn’t even finished coloring one of them.’
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, ‘Got any I.D.? ‘ and the driver replies ‘Bout wut?’
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
“Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”
The survey was a massive failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.
3. In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.
4. In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.
6. In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.
7. In the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.
8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
Watch What You Say
A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old daughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn’t feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her father.
“Well,” the father asked, “did you enjoy your ride with mommy?”
“Oh yes, Daddy” the girl replied, “and do you know what? We didn’t see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head!”
“Of course, ‘Romeo and Gertrude’ is just a working title. I might be persuaded to change it for you, M’ Lady.”
“Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?”
“If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?”
“Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?”
“My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent.”
“Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I’d spend the evening with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean.”
“Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?”
“Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I’m merely happy to cast eyes upon thy beauty!”
“Wouldst thou away to yon Motel 6 with me?”
“Do me, or not do me. THAT is the question.”
I Don’t Care What The Law Says I Don’t Want To Know
They Mean Parking! Damn You’ve Got A Dirty Mind!
What, I Ment To Do This
I’ve Heard Of Woman Trying To Trap Men But This Is Ridiculous
When’s My Turn!
This Is The Last Time I Date A Woman From Craiglist
I’m Starting To Think This Was A Big Mistake
This Place Has The Best Toppings
You Forgot About Steve Wazniak