When You’re Too Gullible
Family Guy – Best of the Muppets
You Know It’s Going To Be A Bad Day When…
1. You wake up face down on the pavement.
2. Your wife puts her bra on backwards and it fits better.
3. You call 911 and they put you on hold.
4. You find a TV news team waiting in your office.
5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
6. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party…
….and there aren’t any.
7. The woman you’ve been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.
8. Your twin brother forgets your birthday.
9. You wake up to discover that your water bed broke – then you realize that you don’t have a water bed.
10. Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
Humor In Church.
The tradition of Holy Howlers in religiously related documents continues undimmed. Witness the following sampling of goofs culled from various Church bulletins and orders of service.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their schooldays.
This week’s saints include a French woman (Teresa, the little Flower), a Swedish woman (Bridget), an Italian man (Francis of Assisi), a German man (Bruno), a Jewess from the Holy Land (Mary, G-d’s Mother). They include single people and married people. Bridget was a wife and mother. Mary was a virgin and virgin mother. If they could do it so can we.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The Reverend Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
Will the ladies of the Willing Workers who have towels which belong to the kitchen please bring them to the church on Friday as we need them for supper.
We’d just been to a funeral and passing a new grave saw a man kneeling on the side sobbing “Why did you die! Why did you die?”
“Was it your wife?” the vicar asked. “No, he replied. “Oh why did he die?”
“Who was it?” the vicar prompted. (Knowing it must have been somebody close)
“My wife’s first husband!” said the man “Oh why did he die?”
Question: Why is the Angel Gabriel so popular?
Answer: Because he always has his horn.
(Think about it…..wouldn’t YOU be popular?)
Why Do Men Die First
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries. But, now we know.
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race … you’re a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework … you’re a pansy.
If you work too hard … there’s never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough … you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay … this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay … you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her … that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you … it’s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks … it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet … it’s male indifference.
If you cry … you’re a wimp.
If you don’t … you’re insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her … you’re a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you … she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy … that’s domination.
If SHE asks you … it’s a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear … you’re a pervert.
If you don’t … you’re gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape … you’re sexist.
If you don’t … you’re unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape … you’re vain.
If you don’t … you’re a slob. If you buy her flowers … you’re after something.
If you don’t … you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements … you’re full of yourself.
If you don’t … you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache … she’s tired.
If you have a headache … you don’t love her anymore.
If you want it too often … you’re oversexed.
If you don’t … there must be someone else.
Bottom Line: Men die first because they want to.
Cool & Not Cool:
When I was in high school we didn’t have social networking sites like Facebook. And every day I thank God for that because if I had had access to everyone’s personal shit and a public profile of my own while those hormones were surging through my body, it wouldn’t have been pretty. So no, I wasn’t on Facebook in high school, but I WAS aware enough to know what was considered “cool” and “not cool.” Here are a few examples.
Getting caught spray painting your girlfriend’s name on the side of the school: Cool. Getting caught with a backpack full of inhalers and acne cream: Not Cool.
Rigging your locker to immediately open when you smash your fist into it like the Fonz: Cool.
Accidentally shitting your pants while holding your head back to dump the remaining Cheetos crumbs out of the bag and into your mouth: Not Cool.
Letting a girl sit shotgun during one of your drag races and having a sign at the finish line that asks the girl to homecoming: Cool.
Arranging digital crops (wtf?) from some lame-ass online video game and taking a screen shot of it to ask a girl to homecoming: Not cool.
The Redneck Oil Change Checklist
1. Go to O’Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O’Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss and complain.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.
$12 beer (man that’s cheap beer)
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$200 Impound and towing fee
Even More Telephone Answering Machine Message Ideas
“I can’t come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.”
“Ok, One more time…
This is our answering machine…
This is the message on our answering machine…
“The number you have reached, (Insert your number here.) has not been disconnected and is still in service. Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.”
“In a vaguely phone operator voice: “I’m sorry, you have reached an imaginary number. Would you please rotate your telephone by ninety degrees and try your call again.”
“Lucifer speaking, who in the hell do you want?”
“Heaven, God speaking.”
“Bridge, Kirk here.”
“City Morgue, you kill ‘em, we chill ‘em; You stab ‘em, we slab ‘em!”
“Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG… Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.”
“I’ve set up my answering machine so that when anyone calls, they here a busy signal.”
“If you are a burglar, then we are probably at home but can’t come to the phone right now. Otherwise, we probably aren’t at home.”
“The number you’ve dialed is purely imaginary, multiply by pi and dial again!”
“This is you know who.
We are you know where.
Leave your you know what you know when.”
“Greetings. You’ve reached Ghengis Kahn’s Pornographic Films Unlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and (Insert your name here) are still conducting screen tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late John Holmes in our upcoming feature film ‘It’s Not the Size That Counts but Whether or Not You’re Alive to Use It.’ If you’re interested in a screen test, or even if you’re not, please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip. Thank you for calling.”
New Lawyer Hunting Laws
Any person with a valid rodent hunting license may also hunt and harvest lawyers for sporting and recreational (non-commercial) purposes with effect from 1st Jan.
Taking of lawyers with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of cash as bait, however, is prohibited.
The willful killing of lawyers with a motor vehicle is prohibited unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If a lawyer is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead lawyer should be removed from the roadway and the vehicle driven to the nearest car wash.
It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest lawyers from a power boat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft.
It is unlawful to shout “Whiplash,” “Ambulance” or “Free Scotch” for the purpose of trapping lawyers.
It is unlawful to hunt lawyers within one hundred (100) yards of BMW, Porsche or Mercedes dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.
It is unlawful to hunt lawyers within two hundred (200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, brothels or hospitals.
If a lawyer is elected to public office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or poses same.
It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of taking lawyers.
Daily Bag Limits:
Yellow-Bellied Sidewinders………………………… 2
Two-Faced Tort feasers…………………………….. 1
Back-Stabbing Divorce Lawyers……………….. NO LIMIT
Horn Rimmed Cut-throats…………………………… 2
The hunting, trapping and killing of honest lawyers is strictly prohibited since they are on the national endangered species list.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Diplomacy is the art of saying, “Nice doggie,” until you can find a rock.
If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?
Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.
The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
-Gilbert Keith Chesterton
My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.
-Ronald Reagan, testing a radio microphone, 1984
Anna Nicole said she “had a slender model inside of her.” I’m guessing that was what she had for lunch.
Inside me, there’s a thin woman trying to get out. Luckily, I can shut her up with chocolate.
You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.
There’s nothing wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn’t cure.
It’s better to be silent and thought a fool than speak and remove all doubt.
We’re not giving away any football players who could hurt us later. I don’t mind people thinking I’m stupid, but I don’t want to give them any proof.
-Bum Phillips, Houston Oilers coach
There is only one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him. If he says yes, you know he is crooked.
It is bad enough that so many people believe things without any evidence. What is worse is that some people have no conception of evidence and regard facts as just someone else’s opinion.
The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.
-Arthur C. Clarke
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not, “Eureka!” (“I found it!”) but rather, “Hmm… that’s funny…”
Hell no. When I die I want to be sick.
-Abe Lemons, Texas football coach, when asked if he jogs
A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.
The human body was designed by a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?
Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.
What is the use of a new-born child?
-Benjamin Franklin, when asked the use of a new invention
I’m no different from anyone else with two arms, two legs, and 4200 hits.
I’d get real close to him and breathe on his goggles.
-Johnny Kerr, on how he would guard Kareem Abdul-Jabaar
From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I shall not put.
A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.
All You’ll Ever Need To Know About Marriage
• Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits, and then complain that he’s not the man she married?
• When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.
• Her whole life was governed by her desire not to be blamed, so she did nothing and got blamed for that.
• What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it.
• Marriage is one long conversation, checkered by disputes.
• Men are like wine – some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
• If you have a job without aggravations, you don’t have a job.
• Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old; it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother.
• Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it’s time to get up.
• Many a women who thinks she has purchased a dress for the ridiculous price has actually bought it for an absurd figure.
• When a man says it’s a silly, childish game, it’s probably something his wife can beat him at.
• You can always tell a house with young boys in it. You have to wash the soap before you can use it.
• Nowadays the pay cheque that arrives none too soon is too soon none.
• A woman is like a tea-bag: you never know her strength until she is in hot water.
• Almost every child would learn to write sooner if allowed to do his homework on wet cement.
• Women like the simpler things in life – like men.
• Geography is about maps, but Biology is about chaps.
• Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
• Holy Deadlock – Marriage.
• Continentals have a s ex life; the English have hot water bottles.
• Children aren’t happy with nothing to ignore; and that’s what parents are created for.
• It is a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible, and a mans to stay unmarried as long as he can.
• Marriage is like an electric battery – it makes you dance but you can’t let go.
• All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble.
• The critical period in matrimony is breakfast time.
The Good Old Times
“When I was a boy, Momma would sent me down to the corner store with a dollar, and I’d come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a packet of tea, and half a dozen eggs.
You can’t do that now – too many security cameras.”