Women Say the Darndest Things – SCTV
Yes this was a joke and yes this was 1979.
And they really should have dropped kicked that guys nuts even then.
Superman House Sits For Batman
If Your Thinking Like This You Have Too Much Time On Your Hands
1. If you keep trying to prove Murphy’s Law, will something keep going wrong?
2. How can someone “draw a blank”?
3. Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”?
4. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
5. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
6. Why do we sing ‘Take me out to the ball game’, when we are already there?
7. If he shot the sheriff but didn’t shoot the deputy, then who did?
8. Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a “near miss”? Shouldn’t it be called a “near hit”?
9. How do you KNOW it’s new and improved dog food?
10. Why is it called rush hour when everything moves so slow?
11. How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
The College Food Chain
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to G-d
THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with G-d
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with G-d if a special request is honored
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Is occasionally addressed by G-d
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Talks to animals
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays Russian Roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says “Look at the choo-choo”
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself
The Rules Of Chocolate
• If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
• Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
• The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
• The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
• Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite, and you’ll eat less.
• If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
• If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don’t they actually counteract each other?
• Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
• Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
• Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today.
• That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
• A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn’t that handy?
• If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
• But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?
• If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can’t let that happen, can you?
Handy First Aid Tips
Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it would be going to waste.
Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human being). And do try not to be squeamish about it.
Drive the victim to the emergency room. You can use him/her to jumpstart the engine as well if need be.
Treating burns and scalds
Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (If the victims entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little too late for this).
If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then REMOVE CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of you parading around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury. Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as an example.
Fractures and broken limbs
Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are going to die. That always puts the wind up them.
Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the rest of your job easier.
Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an abnormal position. However, if you’re feeling daring, try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc. It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can produce. Far better than Play-Doh.
Choking On Food
Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of food hit you in the eye, however.
Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill. Make a mental note to order soup next time.
Cuts And Wounds
Dress the wound, whatever that means.
Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing.
Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my little joke.
Stitch up the wound with aluminum wire.
Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know.
Objects Stuck In The Eye
Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT. Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This usually results in the object mysteriously “going away” and not bothering the victim any more before you can get to it.
When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the President is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back.
Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more. Yes, there’s a whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion.
Here’s a good one: before the victim comes round, switch of all the lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout “Thank God! We thought you might be dead, or blinded or something.”
More Fun Things To Do In An Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, all of you just shut UP!”
4. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, motion sickness!”
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
21. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
22. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
23. Stare at your thumb and say “I think it’s getting larger.”
24. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”
The Magic Frog
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said “Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes…
Bear, you go first.” The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said “I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female.” For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.
The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear’s second turn for a wish? “Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well.” Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.
The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, “I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female.” The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said “I wish the bear was gay
Levels Of Intoxication
This is the DEFINITIVE guide to identifying the level of intoxication of a student (or anyone else).
2. Smiling (generally 1-2 drinks)
3. Giggling (some people have this as their natural state)
5. Leaning (greater than 15 degree deviation from vertical)
6. “Best friend” syndrome
7. “Worst enemy” syndrome
8. Technicolor yawn syndrome
9. Puke and recoil
10. Semi-conscious barf
11. Unconscious – response to earlobe technique
12. Unconscious – response to nail-bed technique
13. Unconscious – response to knuckle
14. Seriously out of it – no response. Hospitalize
15. Unconscious, vomit, ingest, kiss lungs goodbye
16. Respiratory arrest
Stupid Questions Paramedics Have Heard
Q. Why did you bring the patient here?
A. I guess the sign out front that says “Emergency Department; Physician on duty” fooled me into thinking that this was a hospital that treated patients!
Q. Do you think the patient can be triaged to the lobby?
A. Since they demanded transport for a refill on their prescription I am sure that the lobby is more than an appropriate place for them to go. Unless you can triage them to the parking lot or the nearest bus stop.
Q. How come the patient didn’t just call a cab or take the bus?
A. Because the taxi services and the bus lines are smart enough not to take Medi-cal instead of cash payment.
Q. What are the patients bowel sounds? (On a critical ‘auto vs. tree’ patient).
A. Since we were on the side of the freeway and now are en-route to the hospital the bowel sounds pretty much resemble a diesel engine.
Q. Did you look for ID?
A. Sorry, no. I might find guns, knives razors and crack pipes during the physical exam but I am not going to reach into his pockets looking for ID and find a needle.
Q. What’s the patient’s name? What’s the patient’s name?!! (on a cardiac arrest victim).
A. I don’t know, I asked him four times after he coded and he wouldn’t answer me once!
Q. What are the vitals? (Different Nurse, same code).
A. If we’re doing CPR right he should have a pulse rate of 80-100/min, 24 respirations/min, and a blood pressure of maybe 40 systolic.
Q. Can the patient sign the insurance and permission forms?
A. Only if they use your pen.
Q. (On the radio) Are you sure she’s in ventricular tachycardia? The complexes are rapid and wide not narrow, right?
A. Uh, yeah I’m sure it’s V-tach, we covered this rhythm in some detail in Paramedic school. Is this a pop quiz?
Q. Can we clear? We don’t do this medical stuff. (Fire Captain).
A. Yes, you can clear. I am sure there is a La Z Boy recliner and a quart of ice cream waiting for you somewhere.
Q. Is he dead? (Different Fire Captain, same department).
A. What tipped you off? The dependant lividity, the rigor mortis, or maybe the ants crawling in and out of his nose?
Q. Why can’t you hold over for a few hours this morning? (Management).
A. Why not? I’ve only been awake for 26 hours straight and been puked on twice, I think it is safe to say I would rather floss my teeth with barbed wire.
Q. Can you guys hear the siren when it’s on while you are in the cab of your ambulance?
A. What?! You will have to speak up I can’t hear you from all the years of listening to the siren inside this ambulance.
• Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
• Man who run in front of car get tired.
• Man who run behind car get exhausted.
• Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
• Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
• Man with one chopstick go hungry.
• Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
• Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
• War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
• Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
• Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
• It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
• Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
• Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
• Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
• Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.
• Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
• Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
• Person who deletes this has no humor!!!
How Stupid Are They…
1. Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain’t got no cattle.
2. Goalie for the dart team.
3. Mother natures favorite target for lightning strikes.
4. Goes with the flow… He’s a bed wetter.
5. Got a life, but wasn’t sure what to do with it.
6. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
7. Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.
8. Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton.
9. Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse.
10. Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
11. Has a pulse, but that’s about it.
12. Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.
13. Has change for a seven dollar bill.
14. Has his brain on permanent cruise control.
15. Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
16. Has it floored in neutral.
17. Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it.
18. Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.
19. Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
20. Has the brains of a house plant.