Taking Fake Book Covers On The Subway
What You Wish You Could Say At The Gym
The Two Minute Seder (for those with limited patience and/or restless kids)
Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.) Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)
Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we’re free. That’s why we’re doing this.
1. What’s up with the matzoh?
2. What’s the deal with horseradish?
3. What’s with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What’s this whole slouching at the table business?
Answers To The Four Questions:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like your grandmother’s horseradish.
3. It’s called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.
A Funny Story:
Once, these five rabbis talked all night. Then it was morning.
(Note: Heat soup now)
The Four Kinds Of Children and How To Deal With Them:
Wise child – explain Passover.
Simple child – explain Passover slowly.
Silent child – explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child – browbeat in front of the relatives.
Speaking Of Children:
We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.
The Story Of Passover:
It’s a long time ago. We’re slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare — a real yutz, as it were. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea.
We make it through; the Egyptians aren’t so lucky. We wander forty years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again.
(Note: Let brisket cool now.)
The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice, you name it.
The Singing Of “Dayenu:”
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would’ve been enough. If he’d punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would’ve been enough. If he’d parted the Red Sea … etc.
(Note: Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now)
Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.
Thanks again, God, for everything.
All Jewish holidays are the same, they tried to kill us, we survived, lets eat!
I’m fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like: “I’m tired”. “I’m washing my hair”. “I’ve got a headache”. “I’m your sister-in-law”.
A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found Canadians drink on average 22 gallons of beer or wine a year. That means on average Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. “Yes, dad, what is it?” “Don’t be nervous son, do your best, and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…”
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school. She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’ The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to!!!!”
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant. “No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the damn ball!” The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.” “Forget it, man,” says his partner. “You’ll never hit her from here.”
What’s The Best Curse-Free Insult You Know?
• I don’t care what people say about you. You’re alright.
• I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain it to you.
• I’m not saying you’re fat, but it looks like you were poured into your clothes and forgot to say “when”.
• I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you.
• Your family tree must be a circle.
• You couldn’t pour the water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.
• You’re not pretty enough to be this stupid.
• If you’re about to insult a woman, tell her to go fix her eyebrows.
• Everyone who’s ever loved you was wrong
• Somewhere out there a tree is working very hard to replace the oxygen you consume. Now go apologize to it.
• You do realize that people just tolerate you?
• Do you get invited to many parties?
• I’ve been called worse things by better people.
• I hope you outlive your children.
• You’re as much use as a chocolate teapot.
• Well I would agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
• Yo mamma is so ugly her portraits hang themselves.
• You’re as bright as a black hole, and twice as dense.
• This is why people talk about you when you’re not around.
• 2090 called. You’re dead and you wasted your time on earth.
• I bet you like your steak well done.
Husband And Wife
Husband – Aaah! …At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife – Do you want me to leave?
Husband – No! Don’t even think about it.
Wife – Do you love me?
Husband – Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife – Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband – No! Why are you even asking?
Wife – Will you kiss me?
Husband – Every chance I get!
Wife – Will you hit me?
Husband – Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife – Can I trust you?
Husband – Yes.
Wife – Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
Creepiest Things You Can Whisper In Someone’s Ear
01. “Your time has come.”
02. “I want to wear your face.”
04. If it’s a girl you’re hugging, and you’re a guy.
“I can feel them pressing against my chest.”
“I think those are the only thing I miss about being a woman.”
05. “Go home… check your cupboard.”
06. “You have lovely skin, I can’t wait to try it on”
07. “The slow blade penetrates the shield…”
08. “Your hair tastes like strawberries”
10. “Wait… don’t let go just yet.” Subtle. Weird. Unusual. Needy.
11. “He knows, don’t go home.”
12. “I always knew you would die in my arms”.
13. “That’ll do pig”
14. “Every time I poop, I think of you.”
15. “No one will ever believe you”
17. “I bet you didn’t feel me lick you ear”
18. “I killed Mufasa.”
19. “There are only four layers, or less, of cloth separating us from ecstasy.”
20. “Mother told me it would be like this”
21. “I definitely had more fun than this in my dream.”
22. “Is it in yet?”
23. “Looks like I’m going to need a bigger hole. But you’re so beautiful.”
24. “Your hug reminds me of the love my parents gave me. They’re dead now.”
25. “Your soft skin is exactly what I need right now.”
26. “Long sniff……… Then… Mmmmm…. you smell different when you’re awake.”
27. “It’s OK… I’ve had a vasectomy.”
28. “Do you wipe from front to back, or back to front.”
29. “Well, did he ever find out?”
Old-Time Jewish Comedians
*A car hit an elderly Jewish man.
The paramedic asks, “Are you comfortable?”
The man says, “I make a good living.”
*I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
*I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me!
*Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.
*We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
*My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
My wife calls it the Dead Sea.
*My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
*My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
*The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
*The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back.”
Mrs. Cohen replied, “So did my arthritis!”
*Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!”
Patient: “I AM 60!”
Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
*A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest.
The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?”
The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
*Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.”
Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
*A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,
“You’ve been brought here for drinking.”
The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”
*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They’re worth it.
*Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.
*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.
The study revealed that the reason is Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.
*Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
*Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It’s called, “Debbie Does Dishes.”
*Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
*A man called his mother in Florida . “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son asked, “Why are you so weak?”
“Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answered, “Because, I didn’t want my mouth to be full in case you should call.”
*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner – Take it or leave it.
*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, “What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
*Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
*Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”
*A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next day he wears the brown one.
The mother says, “What’s the matter already? Didn’t you like the blue one?”
*Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replied.
*Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” * Tom Clancy
“You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.” * Steve Martin
“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” * Woody Allen
“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday .night.” * Rodney Dangerfield
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL.” * Lynn Lavner
“Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.” * Matt Barry
“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” * Camille Paglia & Bill Anderson
“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.” * George Burns
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.” * Sharon Stone
“My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she’s reading.” * Steve Jobs
“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it., so I said “Thyroid problem?’” *Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” * Tiger Woods
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” * Jack Nicholson
He never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” * Barbara Bush
“Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” * Robin Williams
“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” * Roseanne
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” * Billy Crystal
“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” * Robert De Niro
“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” * Dustin Hoffman
“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.’” * Jerry Seinfeld
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” * Rod Stewart
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” * Robin Williams
“Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts” *Jeff Foxworthy
Clever One Liners
1. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
2. When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always.
3. My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver’s test–the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
4. There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
5. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
6. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
9. Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
10. I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
11. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
12. The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.
13. I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
14. I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.
15. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
16. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
17. If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
18. Money is the root of all wealth.
19. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
• If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
• I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
• Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
• I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will say, “Your password is incorrect.”
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• I’m great at multi-tasking–I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
• If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
• Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don’t care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
• Doesn’t expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
• Take my advice – I’m not using it.
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
• I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
• Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
• Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
• I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.
• Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.
• I’ll bet you $4,567 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
• Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
• If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Questions We Need Parents To Answer As Soon As Possible
01. Do you ever look at a diaper and just think, “Is this child worth it?”
02. Is childbirth really beautiful? Or is it kinda disgusting and slightly terrifying?
03. Did you realize how much your kid was going to cost before you had one?
04. Do you ever wish you could buy a trip to Europe instead of paying for tuition, etc.?
05. Have you tried baby food? And if so, did you enjoy any of it?
06. Do you feel bad feeding your baby puréed vegetables that look like shit?
07. If you breastfed, did you ever try your own breast milk?
08. When your kid cries in public, do you want to cry also?
09. Do you hope your kid doesn’t finish their meal so you get to eat it?
10. Do you like other kids, or just your own?
11. Would you say your sex life was better before or after kids?
12. Do you ever wish you could take a day off?
13. Why do you say how much your baby weighs in ounces?
14. And why do you say how old your child is in months, even after a year?
15. On a scale of 1-10 how much does the cleanliness of your child’s room affect your happiness?
16. Why do you tag your children in random pictures on Facebook that they’re not in?
17. How did you figure out how the hell to raise another human?
18. And why do you “check in” so often on Facebook?
19. Would you ACTUALLY want your kid to tell you if they were having sex?
20. Would you eat your placenta for health benefits?
21. Do you actually think your kid is the most special kid in the world?
22. Do you always like your child?
23. Do you ever just turn on the TV so they’ll be quiet?
24. Do you ever wish you could order a kid’s meal at a restaurant for yourself?
25. How many likes did you get on your pregnancy announcement?
26. Do you ever troll people by asking them to hold your baby if you know they don’t like kids?
27. When you talk about your kid, are you just itching to take your phone out and show pictures?
28. And are you running out of storage on your phone from those pictures?
29. Has your child ever given you a drawing and you had no clue what it was supposed to be?
30. Do you pretend to see a face when your doctor points it out in the ultrasound? Do you actually just see a blob?
31. Do you feel like a goddamn hero every day for putting up with everything you do?
32. Does it ever scare the shit out of you that you’re literally responsible for someone’s life?
33. Or is that the coolest feeling in the world?