Racist Family Feud – MADtv
Truths For Mature Humans
1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
24. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Warning: Scam Against Older Men
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it.
A ‘heads up’ for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe’s, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.
Here’s how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their bre@sts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It’s impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ but instead ask for a ride to McDonald’s.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald’s. I’ve already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe’s, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Why She Changed Hotels
Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. I thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”
I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt…. You get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I’ll give him a call.
“Hello, ma’am, how may I help you?” . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is se x. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks.
We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?”
He says, “Oh my…. That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”
Great Bar Room Signs
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
If life is a waste of time,
And time is a waste of life,
Then let’s all get wasted together
And have the time of our lives.
Armand’s Pizza, Washington, DC
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO
No matter how good she looks,
Some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
At the feast of ego
Everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
It’s hard to make a comeback
When you haven’t been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ
Make love, not war.
Hell, do both
Women’s restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
If voting could really change things,
It would be illegal.
Revolution Books, New York, New York
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Men’s restroom House of Representatives, Washington, DC
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix, AZ
You’re too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA
No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hill s,CA
A Woman’s Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
You’re going to have trouble with it
Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, TX
A Well-Planned Retirement
Outside England’s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, it’s parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were for cars (£1.40), for buses (about £7).
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.
The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo’s own responsibility.
The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.
The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy … is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £560 per day — for 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 7 million pounds … and no one even knows his name.
More Random Thoughts
1. Everybody was thinking it. I just said it.
2. Some days, the supply of curse words isn’t sufficient to meet my demands.
3. After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W.T.F.
4. Science doesn’t care what you believe.
5. On your mark, get ready, get set, go away.
6. You are about to exceed the limit of my medication.
7. I’m great in bed. I can sleep for days.
8. Four out of three people struggle with math.
9. I am who I am. Your approval isn’t needed.
10. How can I trust you? You keep running away when I untie you.
11. Patience is a virtue. It’s just not one of my virtues.
12. Pubs. The official sunblock of Ireland.
13. Remember, no-one’s perfect. Everyone’s ass has a crack in it.
14. If you can’t laugh at yourself, let me do it.
15. Twinkle, twinkle, little star, point me to the nearest bar.
16. Please be patient. Even a toilet can only handle one asshole at a time.
17. The older I get, the more everyone can kiss my ass.
18. Does running away from my responsibilities count as cardo?
19. My body is a temple: Ancient and crumbling. Probably cursed and haunted.
Teachers Will Love This
Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, ‘Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.’ She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool and together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, ‘These aren’t my boots.’
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, ‘Why didn’t you say so?’ like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, ‘They’re my brother’s boots. My mom made me wear ‘em.’
Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, ‘Now, where are your mittens?’
He said, ‘I stuffed ‘em in the toes of my boots.’
She will be eligible for parole in three years!
Because the Judge was a mom
O.M.G., I’m Rich!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Ass
Iron in the Arteries
And, an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I’d accumulate such wealth.
Ten Thoughts To Ponder
Number 10. Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
Number 6. Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2. In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought. Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers–what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
- – - and as someone recently said to me: “Don’t worry about old age–it doesn’t last long.”