Friday Fun Stuff – 8-30-24

Jack Benny With Mel Blanc

Worst Police Sketch Artist Ever

New School Rule Starting This Year

1. Students (and teachers) are allowed to wear any clothes they want, no uniforms.
2. Students should come at 10:30 AM.
3. Breakfast is for 2hrs, and lunchtime starts at 1:30.
4. Time for lessons 20 minutes.
5. No school on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Party.
6. Condoms should be given to every student on Monday
7. Room for smokers is available.
8. You can drink alcohol before you attend math class (or any class really).
9. You are allowed to speak any language you like.
10. You can wear open toed shoes every day for school.
11. All hairstyles are allowed for both teachers and students.
12. Don’t buy any books or pens but steal everything
13. Chatting is allowed during exams.
14. School will provide free alcohol for the students and faculty of their choosing.

Where was this school when I was growing up?

Reply To Anti-Fur Activists

Here’s a good comeback for when someone comes up to you and complains about you wearing a fur coat:

“You know a cow was murdered for that leather jacket?”

You reply, staring deeply at them and speaking in a psychotic tone, “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.”

Job Interviews

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.

• An applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
• An applicant wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
• An applicant fell and broke his arm during the interview.
• A candidate announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office.
• An applicant explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.
• A candidate said he had never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
• A balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
• An applicant said that if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
• An applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
• A candidate brought a large dog to interview.
• An applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed while standing up.
• One candidate dozed off during interview.
• The employers were also asked to list the “Most unusual” questions that have been asked by job candidates.
• “What is it that you people do at this company?”
• “What is the company motto?”
• “Why aren’t you in a more interesting business?”
• “What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?”
• “Why do you want references?”
• “Do I have to dress for the next interview?”
• “I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?”
• “Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?”
• “Will the company pay to relocate my horse?”
• “Does your health insurance cover pets?”
• “Would it be a problem if I’m angry most of the time?”
• “Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?”
• “Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?”
• “Why am I here?”
• Also included are a number of unusual statements made by candidates during the interview process.
• “I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.”
• “At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.”
• “I feel uneasy indoors.”
• “Sometimes I feel like smashing things.”
• “Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.”

Card Mix-Up

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said, “Rest in Peace.”

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location.”

Top 20 Things to Do in a Drive-Thru

1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order

2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.

3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.

4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.

5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.

6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.

7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.

8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.

9. Ask how they fit into that little box.

10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.

11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said “May I take your order?”

12. When asked if they can take your order say “No, why can I take yours?”

13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.

14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.

15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.

16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That’s it.

17. Don’t order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.

18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.

19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don’t break your stare.

20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

Never Force Children To Pray!

At dinner, a little boy was ordered to lead in prayer…

BOY: But I don’t know how to pray

DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.

BOY: “Dear Lord” he started thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream.
Bless them so they won’t come again. Forgive our neighbor’s son, who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy’s computer and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom’s room when daddy is at work.
°°°AMEN°°°°

Why????

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot?”

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE……

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.

The Message

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

“Are you the owner?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no” he replies.

“Can you get him for me – I need to speak to him?” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the barman – clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”

You Know You’ve Been in College Too Long When…

• You consider McDonald’s “real food.”
• You actually like doing laundry at home.
• 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends.
• It starts getting late on the weeknights.
• Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.
• You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it.
• You’d rather clean than study.
• Half the time you don’t wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.
• Computer Solitaire is more than a game it’s a way of life.
• You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps.
• You know the pizza boy by name.
• You go to sleep when it’s light and get up when it’s dark.
• You live for getting mail. (E-mail included)
• Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.
• Prank phone calls become funny again.
• Wall-Mart is the coolest store.
• World War III could take place and you’d be clueless.
• You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.
• Black lights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.
• Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.
• You find out milk crates have so many uses.
• The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night).

Who Is Jack Schitt?

Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage revealed…

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, “you don’t know Jack Schitt.”

Soon you will be able to handle this situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie, the twins Deep and Dip, Fulla, Giva and Bull Schitt.

Against his parents strong objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe Schitt married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, decided to keep her previous name also. She became known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and the produced a cowardly son – Chick Noe Schitt (Chick N. Schitt for short). Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood, and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse Schitt.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says that you don’t know Jack Schitt, you can correct them and ask if they are related to any of the above.

Neither Are Most Of Us