Grandma’s Viagra Song
If Tech Support Workers Were Honest
Some Thoughts On Getting Older
• I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.
• Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? My sense of decency.
• I consider ‘on trend’ to be the clothes that still fit.
• Pulling n ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.
• Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
• I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
• The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
• My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance for idiots that needs work.
• When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
• The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down. I’ll remember it”.
• Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
• Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.
• These days “on time” is when I get there.
• I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
• ‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take a laxative today.
• Even duct tape can’t fix stupid. but it sure does muffle the sound.
• You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
• Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinklefree and three sizes smaller?
• One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it’s such a nice change from being young.
• You’re more likely to get cautioned by the doctor instead of by the police.
• Lately, I’ve noticed people my age are so much older than me.
• One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
• ‘Getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering why I’m there.
• I’ve traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren’t paved.
• When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.
• Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way.
• Some days I have no idea what I’m doing out of bed.
• I thought growing old would take longer.
• Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn’t shut me up.
• I still haven’t learned to act my age.
• You’re not sure if these are facts or jokes.
• I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA _____________
INCOME TAX FILE # _________________ DRIVERS LICENCE ________________
BOY SCOUT RANK & BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ STATE___ POSTCODE_________
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No
(IF YOU ANSWERED ‘YES’ TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
In 50 words or less, what does ‘LATE’ mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE’ mean to you?
Church/Synagogue you attend __________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
C: A woman’s place is in the:
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
E. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _________________________
F: When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
G: What is the current going rate of a motel room? ___________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, INDIGENOUS AUSTRALIAN BULL ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE and RED HOT POKERS
Applicant’s Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
Mother’s Signature Father’s Signature
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State or Federal Government Representative
_______________________________ (Their stamp goes here)
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back)
Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear Your Pilot Say
10. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking and I really don’t feel life is worth living anymore.
9. We are now cruising at an altitude of…ummm..well, hell, I don’t know.
8. Could someone please come up here and explain what this button does?
7. Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes!!!!!! Just kidding.
6. Would one of the flight attendants please bring me a scotch on the rocks. And keep ‘em coming.
5. This is……ummmm…this is your…..ummmm…damn, I seem to have lost my memory.
4. Passengers on the right side of the plane, doesn’t that engine sound funny to you?
3. Welcome aboard Flight 109……..you idiots.
2. Good Lord, Bob! We’re going to crash! Ooops, is this intercom on?
1. Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be on the ground in approximately 10 minutes. One way or the other.
“Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.” – Professor Irwin Corey.
“Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.” – Evelyn Hendrickson.
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers.” – Richard Pryor.
“Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them.” – Sydney Smith.
“Adam & Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married… and she didn’t have to hear about how well his Mother cooked.”
“My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she’s cut out entirely.” – Rodney Dangerfield.
“My wife was in labor with our first child for thirty-two hours and I was faithful to her the whole time.” – Jonathan Katz.
Q: What food sucks 80% of the sex drive from a woman?
A: The wedding cake.
“They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That’s not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death.”
“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates.
“I still miss my Ex, But my aim is getting better” – Bumper sticker.
“I think that men who have a pierced ear are better prepared to be married: they are already acquainted with pain and have already bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner.
“If your really want your spouse to listen to you, talk in your sleep.”
“Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.”
“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”
“During the first year of the wedding, put a quarter in a jar each time you make love. Then during the second year, take a quarter out each time you make love. At the end of the second year go to a good restaurant with what’s left…”
Fun Things For Professors To Do On The First Day Of Class
1. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, “The Professor can’t hear you, you’ll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy”.
2. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he’s named “Boogers McGee” and is your “mascot”. Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, “What’ll be, McGee?”
3. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, “Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smarty-pants?”
3. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
4. Wear a “virtual reality” helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
5. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
6. Ask students to call you “Tinkerbell” or “Surfin’ Bird”.
7. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
8. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
9. Play “Kumbaya” on the banjo.
10. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
11. Ask occasional questions, but mutter “as if you young wiper snappers would know” and move on before anyone can answer.
12. Mention in passing that you’re wearing rubber underwear.
The owner of a sausage factory was showing his preppy, arrogant son around the place. As hard as he tried to impress him, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory and the father thought, ‘now this is sure to impress him’.
Showing his son the machine, he said, “Son, this here is the heart of the factory. With this machine here, we put in a pig and out comes sausages.”
Still unimpressed, the snotty son said, “Oh joy!” Would you happen to have a machine where you can put in sausages and out comes a pig?”
Furious at his attitude, the father said, “Yes son, actually we do. We call it your mother!”
Reasons To Go To Work Naked
• Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!”
• Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
• You want to see if it’s really like the dream.
• “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”
• You can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
• To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
• With a little help from Muzak, you can add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated résumé.
• People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.
• Draws attention away from the fact that you came to work drunk.
• Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.
• No one steals your chair.
The Treasury Department has announced that it is recalling all of the new Alabama quarters that were recently issued.
“This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, tollbooths, vending machines, pay phones or other coin operated devices. We believe the problem lies in a design flaw,” stated the Undersecretary.
The winning design for the Alabama quarter was submitted by Auburn University student Earl Dudley. Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and a nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices.
Public Service Message For Women
Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” Then, we will drink beer.
Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You’re a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t a problem.
Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, such as milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.” For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys, cumin is a spice.)
Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t ask.
Because I’m a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you get her for Mother’s Day is okay; I don’t need to see it. And don’t forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.
Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the year 2008, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest.
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.
Job Requirement Lingo
Used by Employer:-
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
“Casual Work Atmosphere”
We don’t pay enough to expect you to dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys do wear earrings.
“Join Our Fast-Paced Team”
We have no time to train you.
Female applicants must be childless (and must remain that way).
“Some Overtime Required”
Some every night and every weekend.
“Duties Will Vary”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
“Must Have An Eye For Detail”
We have no quality assurance.
“Good Communication Skills”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
“Problem-Solving Skills A Must”
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
“Seeking Candidates With A Wide Variety Of Experience”
You’ll be required to replace three people who just left.
“Apply In Person”
If you’re fat, old or ugly, you’ll be advised the position has been filled.
“Team Leadership Skills A Must”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
Used By Applicant:-
“I’m honest, hard working and dependable”
I only pilfer office supplies.
I give a lot of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
“I take great pride in my work”
I blame others for my mistakes.
“I’m very adaptable”
I’ve changed jobs very often.
“I’m on the go”
I’m never at my desk.
“I’m highly motivated to succeed”
The moment I find a better job, I’m outta here.