U.S Immigration – Foil Arms and Hog
Key & Peele – Roommate Meeting
College Courses We’d Like To See
For men and Women
College Coursed For Men
• Bathroom Accuracy 101
• Strange But True: She Really May NOT Care What “Fourth Down and Ten” Means
• Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
• Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don’t Fall Under the “Action/Adventure” Category
• Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
• Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let’s Clean the Closet
• Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let’s Clean Under the Bed
• Be the First Man to Say These Three Words: “I Don’t Know”
• Changing Your Underwear—It Really Works
• The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty Means Empty
• Directions: It’s Still Okay to Ask for Them
• Listening: It’s Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
• Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn’t Mean You Can Fix It
• PMS: Learning to Keep Your Mouth Shut
• Understanding the Female Response to Coming in Drunk at 4:00 A.M.
• Parenting: No, It Doesn’t End With Conception
• Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
• How to Stay Awake After Sex
• Garbage: Getting It to the Curb
• Helpful Posture Hints for the Couch Potato
• How Not to Act Younger Than Your Children
College Courses For Women
• Water Retention: Fact or Fat
• Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
• Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption
• Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
• Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
• Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To
• Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
• TV Remotes: For Men Only
• Emotions: Men Have Them, Too
• Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
• Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
• Ballet: For Women Only
• Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
• Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges & Monty Python
A Little Old Lady
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there is a rip
in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. “Ma’am, there are $20 bills
falling out of your bag.”
“Oh, really? Damn!” says the little old lady. “I’d better go back and
see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money?
You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh no,” says the little old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to
the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there is a game, a lot
of the fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds!
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each
time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, ‘$20 or
off it comes!’ ”
Well, that seems only fair,” laughs the cop. “Ok, good luck! By the
way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Well,” says the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”
The Wit And Wisdom of Homer Simpson
Who doesn’t love and admire Homer Simpson? While this lovable oaf has entertained us for more than a decade, we often overlook the profound and entertaining insights he imparts. Here are some of his more memorable gems.
• I’ve got to get out of this rut and back in the groove.
• Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.
• If God didn’t want us to eat animals, then why’d he make them so tasty?
• Oh, spiteful one! Tell me who to smote and they shall be smotted.
• Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail.
• All these guys with six pack abs, and I’m the only one with a keg.
• Marge, try to understand. There are two types of college students, jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.
• Marge, it’s uter-us not uter-you.
• Marge your cooking only has two moves, Shake and Bake.
• If the Bible has taught us anything—which it hasn’t—it’s that girls should stick to girl’s sports like hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing and such and such.
• My dreams have been shattered into shards of a broken dream.
• We can hike anytime. This is our chance to see cars driving.
• Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
• I can’t take his money. I can’t print my own money. You want me to work for money.
• Why don’t I just lay down and die!
• Operator! Give me the number for 911!
• Cable. It’s more wonderful than I dared hope.
• Television: Teacher, mother, secret lover.
• A woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good and you’d step over your own mother just to get one.
• Damn you, Rock-em Sock-em Robots! Can’t we all just get along?
• I was working on a flat tax proposal and accidentally proved there was no God.
• A gun is not a weapon, it’s a tool, like a hammer or a screwdriver or an alligator.
• I think I’ve figured this balloon thing out, Marge. It can go up and down, but not side to side or back in time.
How To Share A Hershey’s Bar
How to share a Hershey’s Bar with a woman:
Break it in half and give her the half that says ‘Hers’.
How to share a Hershey’s Bar with a your girlfriend and her best female friend:
Break it into three parts. Give your girlfriend the part that says ‘She’, and her friend the part that says ‘Her’. Yes, you get the part that says ‘Y’s’, which is smaller. Man up about it.
How to share a Hershey’s Bar with a masochistic submissive:
Eat the whole thing yourself and make her watch.
How to share a Hershey’s Bar with a dominatrix:
Give her the whole thing, beg her to accept it and hope she likes it.
How to share a Hershey’s Bar with a BBW if you’re a chubby chaser:
No, you don’t give her the whole thing. Get a six-pack, some marshmallows and graham crackers and help her make S’mores.
How to share a Hershey’s Bar with a bulimic:
Promise to hold her hair afterwards.
How to share a Hershey’s Bar with an anorexic:
Break off one square and give her some tin foil to wrap the leftovers in.
How to share a Hershey’s Bar with a homophobic macho dude:
Offer to arm wrestle him for it.
Martha’s Holiday Calendar
December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3 Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 Grind lenses for new eyeglasses.
December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7 Debug Windows Vista
December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11 Lay Faberge egg.
December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17 Blow glass Christmas tree ornaments. Cut tree in Montana.
December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Scent diaper with homemade potpourri.
December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 28 Say it is good. Rest for five minutes.
December 29 Dig up sand from quarry and make new chips for my four computers.
December 30 Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on lawn, and spell out Happy New Year as a greeting to my friends on the space shuttle.
December 31 New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call one friend in each time zone of the world as the calendar changes.
January 1 Stay out of jail…better
For Wine Lovers
Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but “there is a market for cheap wine”, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: “But the right name is important.”
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb?
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there
13. Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
14. Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle …
15. Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
The Cat’s Answer: “Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?”
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.
Hell Hath No Fury
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit… Repairmen refused to work in the house…The maid quit… Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back… Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth…But only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home…including the curtain rods.
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON’T YOU????
Basic Laws Of Employment
1. If you’re unable to get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
2. Never become irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
3. After any salary increase, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
5. Whenever bosses talk about productivity improvements, they’re never talking about themselves.
6. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
7. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damn fool about it.
8. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the ass.
9. If you’re good, you’ll be assigned all the work. If you’re really good, you’ll know how to get out of it.
10. When you aren’t sure what to do, walk fast and look worried.
11. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
12. Consume one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
13. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. “Yes, Dad, what is it?” “Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife….”
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don’t recognize you.
First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It’s worse when you forget to pull it down.