The Oval Office
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Attends Trump’s Inauguration
Women, You Know the Honeymoon Is Over When…
• Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscenities when he hogs the blanket.
• Chivalry’s as dead as the door he lets slam in your face.
• PMS lasts all month.
• Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on open display.
• “Honey, what are you thinking?” is now “Are you finished yet?!”
• He yawns when you bitch about that guy hitting on you at work.
• Dildos, S & M, menage … anything to break the monotony.
• You used to walk hand in hand, now you run to keep up.
• Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become way too uncomfortable.
• Two weeks no orgasm.
• Three weeks no orgasm … and you still don’t miss it.
• When he lends you five bucks, he expects it back.
• You’d rather spend quality time with your vibrator.
• The way he breathes is getting on your nerves.
• You let one rip in your sleep and don’t care if he hears
I was delighted that I seemed to have more patience now that I’m older.
Turns out, it’s just that I don’t give a shit about much anymore!
My husband and I always compromise.
He admits he’s wrong and I agree with him.
A survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night…
5% said it was to get a glass of water…
12% said it was to go to the toilet…
83% said it was to go home
After a lengthy delay for plane repairs, the passengers were becoming impatient but quit complaining when the pilot told them:
“Why don’t you look at it this way? Wouldn’t you rather be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here?”
Beginning in 2008, Delta Airlines’ First Class passengers will enjoy lie-flat seats that convert into big fluffy beds.
To make room, Coach will be standing-room only. – Jay Leno
There are tall people, short people, skinny people, and fat people, and every one of them would like to get his hands on the manufacturer who claims, “One size fits all.”
We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance.
“Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?” she asked. “It would always be, ‘Better like this…or like this?’”
Bill told Bob that his wife was driving him to drink.
Bob remarked that Bill was a very lucky man, because his own wife makes him walk to the bar.
My dear friend, a divorcee, never remarried, and her daughter wanted to know why.
“The men I know would bring too much heavy baggage to the marriage and I simply don’t want to put up with it,” she explained.
Taking her mother’s hand in hers, my friend’s daughter said sweetly, “I hate to break the news to you, Mom, but you’re not exactly carry-on yourself.”
Pack Of Cards
Men are like a pack of cards…
You need a Heart to love them;
a Diamond to marry them;
a Club to batter them;
and a Spade to bury them
Actual Bumper Stickers
• The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
• If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.
• I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
• Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
• We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
• Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
• Born free… taxed to death.
• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
• Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• Don’t take life too seriously, you don’t get out alive anyway.
• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
• You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
• I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
• So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute!
• Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, “I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father.”
So the married couple decided that they would try this.
So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said “I feel okay turn it up a lot more” so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said “why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing”, but the doctor warned them “this much could kill you if your not prepared”. The husband replied “I am ready “so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t feel a thing so they went home happy with a pain-free labor. When they got home the couple was surprised to see the mailman dead on the front porch!
• AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
• BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.
• DEFENSE: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let de children play outside.
• DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.
• DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
• FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
• FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
• FULL NAME: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
• GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
• HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
• IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
• INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
• LOOK OUT!: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it
• PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
• PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.
• PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
• SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
• STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
• STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.
• TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
• TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
• TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
• VERBAL: Able to whine in words
• WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
• WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
• WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
“Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1.5 tons.” — Popular Mechanics, 1949
“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” — The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.
“But what…is it good for?” — Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.
“640K ought to be enough for anybody.” — Attributed to Bill Gates, 1981, but believed to be an urban legend.
“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.
“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” — David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
“While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially it is an impossibility.” — Lee DeForest, inventor.
“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C’, the idea must be feasible.” — A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” — H. M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.” — Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”
“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.” — Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.
“Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax.” — William Thomson, Lord Kelvin, British scientist, 1899.
“If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this.” — Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M “Post-It” Notepads.
“So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.’” — Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.
Darwin Awards – Short And Sweet
The Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it.
Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol to Ken’s head instead of a revolver.
MOSCOW, RUSSIA – A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it protected him against the knife….. It didn’t and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. Isn’t it good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the awards.
Apparently, in Brazil, 3 people were flying in a plane at low altitude, when another plane approached. For a lark, they decided to “moon” the other plane. Somehow, in the execution of this maneuver, they lost control of the plane and crashed. They were all found dead with their pants around their ankles.
In an Inuit village, a young man was searching for a way of getting drunk for free because he had no money to buy alcohol. So he mixed gasoline with milk to get his buzz. After he drank it he became ill and vomited on the fireplace in his house which in turn ignited his vomit and burned his house down killing him.
This guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: “You ain’t from around here, are ya… where ya from, boy?”
The guy says, “I’m from Iowa.”
The bartender asks, “What th’ hell you do in Iowa?”
The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The bartender asks, “A taxidermist… now just what th’ hell is a taxidermist?”
The guy says “I mount animals.”
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s OK boys, he’s one of us!”
To Be 6 Again!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday. I’d like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over to his wife with a big smile lovingly asked,
“Well dear, what was it like being six again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
“I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!”
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.