Friday Fun Stuff – 1-11-13

Senior Moments by Golf Brooks

Extremely Scary Ghost Elevator Prank in Brazil

Create A Hallmark Moment!

Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some of these sayings:

“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”

“I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell till I met you.”

“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder:
What the heck was I thinking?”

“If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.”

“As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me.
Like the need for therapy…”

“Thanks for being a part of my life!
I never new what evil was before this!”

“Money is tight, times are hard, here’s your @#$/& Christmas card!!!”

“Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.”

“Sorry things didn’t work out, but I can’t handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine.”

“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”

“The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won’t be with you, since I’m taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!”

A Wise Schoolteacher

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: “If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I’ll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.”

As Time Goes By – A Brief History Lesson…

3050 B.C. – A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.

525 B.C. – The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don’t try to enter a six-footer with a mustache in the women’s shot put.

214 B.C. – Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn’t keep the neighbor’s dog out.

1 B.C. – Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.

432 – St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.

1297- The world’s first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or General Electric.

1456 – An English judge reviews Joan of Arc’s case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.

1607 – The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as “John Smith”.

1755 – Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.

1770 – The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Sat. Night.

1805 – Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.
1807 – Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.

1865 – Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee’s surrender.

1912 – People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.

1934 – As if the Great Depression weren’t giving business enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.

Dumb Arizona Laws

• Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony.
• There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
• Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
• A class 2 misdemeanor occurs if one places a mark upon a flag which is “likely to provoke physical retaliation”
• When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses.
• It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.
• You may not have more than two dildos in a house. (Glendale)
• Cars may not be driven in reverse.
• Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American. (Globe)
• If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined. (Hayden)
• No more than six girls may live in any house. (Repealed) (Maricopa County)
• It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license. (Mesa)
• A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up. (Mohave County)
• An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders. (Nogales)
• No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house. (Prescott)
• One must be 18 years old to buy spray paint. (Tempe)
• It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling. (Tombstone)
• Women may not wear pants. ( Tucson)

Good Advice From Kids

“Never trust a dog to watch your food.”
-Patrick, age 10

“When your dad is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ Don’t answer.”
-Hannah, age 9

Never tell your Mom her diet’s not working.”
-Michael, age 14

“Stay away from prunes.”
-Randy, age 9

“Don’t pull Dad’s finger when he tells you to.”
-Emily, age 10

“When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.”
-Taylia, age 11

“Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.”
-Traci, age 14

“A puppy always has bad breath–even after eating a Tic-Tac.”
- Andrew, age 9

“Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.”
- Kyoyo, age 11

“You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.”
-Amir, age 9

“Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.”
-Kellie, age 11

“If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.”
-Naomi, age 15

“Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.”
-Lauren, age 9

“Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.”
-Joel, age 10

“When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she’s on the phone.”
-Alyesha, age 13

“Never try to baptize a cat.”
-Eileen, age 8

Larry Is In The Hospital

Who in the hell is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Sandy, his wife says,
“Where the hell have you been?”

Larry replies “I was out getting a tattoo!”

“A tattoo?” She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking?” She said, shaking her head in disgust.
“Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, finally, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”

Larry is in the St Luke’s Hospital, Intensive Care Unit, Room 233.

Pet Lovers’ Manifesto

Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.

Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbee’s.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, and then go smell the other dogs’ butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door…

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn’t speak clearly.

Thoughts From Women About Being A Woman

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. * Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrow. * Janette Barber

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. * Lily Tomlin

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. * Carrie Snow

Old age ain’t no place for sissies. * Bette Davis

If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning. * Catherine Aird

A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t. * Rhonda Hansome

The phrase “working mother” is redundant. * Jane Sellman

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. * Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. * Caryn Leschen

Whoever thought up the word “Mammogram”? Every time I hear it, I think I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. * Jan King

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. * Jennifer Unlimited

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb and I’m also not blonde. * Dolly Parton

Tips For Managers

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a “rush job”, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone here you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating without a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

You Might Be A “High Tech Redneck” If….

- your email address ends in “over.yonder.com”
- you connect to the web via “Down Home Page”
- your bumper sticker says “My other computer is a laptop”
- your laptop has a sticker that says “Protected by Smith & Wesson”
- you’ve ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cell phone
- your baseball cap reads “DELL” instead of “CAT”
- your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
- your wife said “either I go or the computer goes”…and you still don’t miss her
- you’ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer
- you refer to your computer as “that good ol’ gal”
- your screen saver is an image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal
- you start all your emails with “Howdy, y’all”
- your spell-checker knows words like “Reckon”, “Yonder”, and “Y’all”
- your cars sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead CPU’s
- your belt buckle is made from a 3.5″ floppy drive
- your computer beep is (insert farm animal sound here)
- your active newsgroup list includes alt.animal.husbandry
- hay has been found inside your laptop carrying case
- you have caught yourself coaxing a slow speed machine with cluck sounds, kiss sounds or giddy-up
- your bookmark list includes EquiVet, net-vet, or the OSU agriculture page