How to Avoid Germs During the Corona Virus Pandemic
Garfunkel & Oates with Weird Al Yankovic “F**k You”
Great Truths About Life
1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
2. There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere… and let the air out of their tires.
5. Families are like fudge… mostly sweet with a few nuts.
6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
8. If you can remain calm, you don’t have all the facts.
9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
10.You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Mothers Worst Nightmare
I am writing you this note to say that I haven’t been honest to you lately.
I have a boyfriend, his name is Dragon and he lives in a trailer in the woods he wears biker clothes and deals Ecstasy.
I am moving in with him and I am four months pregnant.
His friends will come over all the time so I can get a little frisky with them.
We will make a living out of growing drugs and selling them to Dragons friends as are both already drug addicts, we will live a life of drugs beer and all the sex.
Wish us luck
I am at the neighbors house, all of the above was a lie I just wanted to let you know there are worse things in life than my report card which is in the top drawer.
Most Violent Upcoming Movies
“Erin Brockovich Gets Her Face Chewed Off by Rats”
“Mary Poppins A Cap In Your Ass”
“Bitch-Slapping Miss Daisy”
“How Stella Got Her Groove Back 2: Whoopi Goldberg’s Bikini Wax”
“Circumcision: The Purification Begins”
“Thou Hast Deflowered My Daughter: An Amish Ass-kickin’”
“Field of Limbs”
“How the Grinch Stole My Urethra”
The Dog Food Diet
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Dog Chow for Socks the wonder dog and was about to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?
I’m retired now, with some spare time on my hands. So, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Dog Food Diet again. Although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially the perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Dog Chow nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try the diet again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no. I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
The manager won’t let me shop there anymore….
Signs You Bought A Bad Computer
• Lower corner of screen has the words “Etch-a-sketch” on it.
• It’s celebrity spokesman is that “Hey Vern!” guy.
• In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend’s car.
• It’s slogan is “Pentium: redefining mathematics”.
• The “quick reference” manual is 120 pages long.
• Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
• The screen often displays the message, “Ain’t it break time yet?”
• The manual contains only one sentence: “Good Luck!”
• The only chip inside is a Dorito.
• You’ve decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
How To Tell If You’re Ready To Have Kids
MESS TEST Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST Obtain one large unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m., begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:OO p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies and mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women) Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won’t be wearing them for a while.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Things Heard In A Tax Office
Things Overheard In A Tax Preparer’s Office Prior To The Tax Filing Deadline
• No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.
• I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!
• How cute… a tax form done in crayon.
• No sir, it’s do your taxes every year and renew your driver’s license every 4 years, not the other way around.
• Just because you talk to your plants ma’am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependents.
• No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office “contributions” are not the same as when you check the dollar box at the top of your 1040 form.
• Even if you are a hooker, the number of orgasms you’ve had cannot count as a business expense.
• I’m sorry, I’m not sure I follow your “Give me an extension and I’ll give you an extension later at my place” argument.
• I take it that because you have decided to do origami with your tax form that you’re not receptive to paying your taxes this year.
• Just remember the IRS motto, buddy: Screw us now, we’ll screw you later!!
Light Bulb PMS
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? One.
ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT.
And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.
But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS!!!
Pranks For College Lecture
1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters “CHECK YOUR FLY.” (At Least for the Male profs.)
4. Address the professor as “your excellency.”
5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream “AAAGH! MY EYES!”
6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he’s been drinking.
8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it’s Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
9. Sit in the front row reading the professor’s graduate thesis and snickering.
10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, “Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?” Become agitated when the professor can’t understand you.
11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute.)
12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write “Signup Sheet #5″ at the top, and start passing it around the room.
13. Start a “wave” in a large lecture hall.
In Honor Of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.”
(well…duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts.”
(talk about a news flash)
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.”
(…and you thought????…)
On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping.
(But that’s the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
(and that would be???….)
On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
(but, it’s just a suggestion.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.”
(but wouldn’t this save me time?)
On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
(..I’m taking this because???….)
On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
(as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.”
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
(Step 3: say what?)
On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
(I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish Chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
(Oh my God was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)