National Lampoons Medical Terms
• F L K : “Funny-looking Kid ”
• F L P : Parents of an F L K
• CRUMP, GORK, VEDGY: A patient requiring intensive care, incapable of movement
• CROCK: Hypochondriac
• MARRIAGEABLE MONSTER: A young female patient who has successfully undergone major plastic surgery
• GOMER: A senile, messy, or highly unpleasant patient
• FASCINOMA: A “fascinating” tumor; any interesting or amusing malignancy
• DROOLER: A catatonic patient
• CUT AND PASTE: To open a patient, discover that there is no hope, and immediately sew him up Well, almost immediately Sometimes young surgeons practice surgical techniques for a while first
• FOUR F-ER: A gallbladder patient “Fat, forty-ish, flatulent female ”
• PINKY CHEATER: Latex finger cover used in gynecological and proctological examinations
• ROAD MAP: Injuries incurred by going through a car windshield face first
• A HOLE-IN-ONE: A gunshot wound through the mouth or rectum
• THE “O” SIGN: The letter O as formed by a patient’s gaping mouth
• THE “Q” SIGN: A patient giving the O sign with his tongue hanging out
• THE DOTTED Q: The “Q” sign, with a fly on the tongue
• SIDEWALK SOUFFLE: A patient who has fallen from a building
• LOOSE CHANGE: A dangling limb in need of amputation
• BULL IN THE RING: A blocked large intestine
• GONE CAMPING: Reference to a patient in an oxygen tent
• EATING IN: Intravenous feeding
• BORDEAUX: Urine with blood in it
• SCRATCH AND SNIFF: A gynecological examination
• ANGEL LUST: A male cadaver with an erection
• HIT AND RUN: The act of operating quickly so as not to be late for another engagement
• CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Chairman of a pediatrics department
• ROOTERS: Indigents and hangers-on who gather in big-city emergency rooms in order to be entertained by legitimate cases
• SHORT-ORDER-CHEFS: Morgue workers
• LOOP THE LOOP: Flamboyant surgical rearrangement of the intestines
• BUGS IN THE RUG: Pubic lice
• HEY DOCS: Alcoholics handcuffed to wheelchairs in big-city medical wards who, at the sight of a white coat, bleat out in chorus, “Hey, Doc!”
• BLOWN MIND: Gunshot wound to the head
• BOOGIE, GOOBER: A tumor
• THE DEEP FRY: Cobalt therapy
• ROASTED GOOBER: A tumor after intensive cobalt treatment
• HEALTHY GOOBER: A dead patient
• BURY THE HATCHET: Accidently leaving a surgical instrument inside a patient
• BOTTLE RETURN: Removal of a bottle that is vacuum-jammed in the anal canal, usually of a homosexual
• SILVER GOOSE, SILVER STALLION: Proctoscope
• SQUASH: Brain
• GAS PASSER: Anesthesiologist
• CRISPY CRITTUR: A patient with severe burns
Not So Dumb
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude”.
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Mama needs new clothes!”
Then she hollered “YES! YES! I WON! I WON!”
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”
The other answered, “I thought YOU were watching!”
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.
Ideas About Science
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain’s contention that the ‘most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
1. Q: What is one horsepower?
A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
2. You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
3. Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
4. The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
5. When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
6. When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
7. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
8. While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. (this guy is going to do well in college!)
9. Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
10. South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
11. Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
12. Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
13. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
14. There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
15. There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
16. Lime is a green-tasting rock.
17. Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
18. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.
19. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they’re there.
20. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it’s brother against brother.
(short for a**h***, a common French root used to identify the element)
Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 182cm in length, though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches yet weigh 200+ Kg.
Found following dual element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen. (Experimental evidence: any beach on any coast)
Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore … zzzzz) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. Rarely found in pure form after 14th year. Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.
All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible. May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions. Usually willing to react with what ever is available. Reaction Rates range from aborted/non- existant to Pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red and send it to react with Sa, the s@x analyst) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.
Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo.
Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions.
An alternative version of the “Woman (Wo)” elemental description is given below:
Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-20 through 60-55-60 have been identified.
Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic single state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in many states ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic, but attracted to coins and sports cars. In its natural state the specimen varies considerably, but is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernible except to the experienced eye.
Has great affinity for Au, Ag, and C (especially in the crystalline form). May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and sexy aftershave. An essential catalyst is often required (must say that you love her at least 5 times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic.
The best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.
Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used on cold nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).
Specimen turns rosy tint if discovered in raw natural state. Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.
Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, although a certain amount of exchange is permitted.
Top Signs That You’ve Hired A Bad Private Detective
• Considers reading “The Hardy Boys Mysteries” actually helpful research.
• He has a pet basset hound named “Flash” that acts as his trusty assistant.
• His best disguise is wearing a hat.
• Keeps getting confused and follows you all the time.
• Won’t read any messages without his trusty decoder ring.
• Dresses up like Jessica Fletcher from “Murder She Wrote” when he thinks he’s caught the suspect.
• Well, he’s blind.
Circle Of Life
At age 4….success is…not peeing in your pants.
At age 10…success is…making your own meals.
At age 12…success is…having friends.
At age 16…success is…having a drivers license.
At age 20…success is…having se x.
At age 35…success is…having money.
At age 50…success is…having money.
At age 60…success is…having se x.
At age 70…success is…having a drivers license.
At age 75…success is…having friends.
At age 80…success is…making your own meals.
At age 85…success is…not peeing in your pants.
The Top Bad Response For Guys To Give To The “How Do I Look” Question
• “That’s a great outfit honey but Halloween was 6 weeks ago.”
• “I ain’t seen a caboose that big since Amtrak left town.”
• “Uh-uh, the last time I answered that question, I went temporarily blind.”
• “Ssshhh, the games on right now…go look in the mirror, that’s what its there for!!”
• “Oh man, I’m gonna lose my lunch.”
• “Like the girl I was with yesterday.”
• “Like someone in dire need for some liposuction.”
• “Well, if I close my eyes, just like my previous, prettier girlfriend.”
• “How can I put this…MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
More Management Styles
1) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE POWER POINT PRESENTATIONS Do you know them? Those diagrams with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.
2) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM This is a major improvement of the older ‘OPEN DOOR’ management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.
3) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.
4) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.
5) BUA MANAGEMENT (By Using Abbreviations) This management style is ATRASACWOC (Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication).
6) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.
7) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.
8) MANAGING BY BELIEVING These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.
9) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember.
You Might Be A Bad Customer If:
• You escort people out of line for having 11 items in the “10 items or less” lane.
• You walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don’t decide for another 30 minutes.
• You yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are.
• You return the coffee because it’s too hot.
• You order water with extra lemon (as if it was supposed to come with lemon).
• You ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one.
• You get annoyed if a hardware store, etc., does not have the most obscure component in stock, despite the fact that they haven’t sold one in over 20 years.
• If you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20
• You think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you.
• You buy an expensive dress and return it after the party.
• You can’t read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you’re right and all the employees are wrong.
• While standing in front of the huge line up of TVs, you ask a salesman, “Is this all the TVs you have?”
• You dare ask for a discount at a restaurant because your kids didn’t like their food after they showed their dislike by throwing said food on the walls and the floor.
• You chew out the manager of the local McDonald’s for not cleaning up the place, while meanwhile, your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other.
• You pay for anything / everything in small change (especially pennies)