Friday Fun Stuff – 12-27-24

John Oliver & Cookie Monster Out-Takes

Superman Auditions – SNL

New Years Jokes

“I always skip the gym the first week of the new year. I can’t deal with the crowds. I also skip weeks 2 – 52 of the New Year but still looking for an excuse for those.”

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

“I’m not buying a 2025 calendar… until I see the trailer.”

What’s the worst part of jogging on New Year’s Eve?
The ice falling out of your drink!

“I gave up drinking for the new year. Sorry, that came out wrong. I gave up. Drinking for the New Year.”

What do you call someone who says they know all the words to “Auld Lang Syne?”
A liar.

A drunk wakes up in jail on New Years Eve and asks the first police officer he sees, “Why am I here?” The cop replies, “For drinking.” “Great!” slurs the man. “When do we start?”

“I promise not to make any bad jokes for the rest of the year.”

“My New Year’s resolution is to break my New Year’s resolutions. That way I succeed at something!”

A man who had too much to drink decides to walk home on New Year’s Eve. A policeman stopped the man and asked where he was going. “I’m on my way to a lecture,” the man replied. The cop scoffed, “Who gives lectures on New Year’s Eve?” The man answered: “My wife.”

Dieting – New Year Resolutions

2020: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
2021: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
2022: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2023: I will work out 3 days a week.
2024: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

New Years Quotes

“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.” — F. Scott Fitzgerald

“Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.” — Bill Vaughn

“I would say ‘Happy New Year,’ but it’s not happy; it’s exactly the same as last year except colder.” — Robert Clark

“He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; he who makes one is a fool.” — Farquhar McGillivray Knowles

“My New Year’s resolution was to stop saying ‘You go, girl’ to myself.” — Zach Galifianakis

“New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.” — Mark Twain

“Last year’s resolution was to lose 20 pounds by Christmas. Only 30 pounds to go.” — Anonymous

“Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve stuck with it ever since.” — Dave Beard

“My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.” — Anonymous

“May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall.” — Aleister Crowley

“The funniest part of a new year is making new resolutions. I am pretty sure you have one too. Let me know about your resolution, and I’ll try not to laugh as I did in the last year.” — Unknown

“Come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.” — William Shakespeare

“I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.” — Unknown

“I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.” — Robert Paul

“Every New Year’s I have the same question: ‘How did I get home?’” — Melanie White

“You know how I always dread the whole year? Well, this time I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” — Charlie Brown

“I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.” —Anonymous

“The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.” — P.J. O’Rourke

“May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.” — Joey Adams

For The Festive Season Remember

Alcohol does not make you FAT, it makes you LEAN….

…against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

Greatest Prank Calls To Moe’s Tavern

Is Oliver there?
Who?
OLIVER CLOTHESOFF

Bea O’Problem?
Do I Have a B.O. Problem here?

Phone call for Al. Al Coholic.
Is ther an AlChole here?

Uh, is I.P. Freely here?
Hey, everybody, I.P. Freely!

Hugh Jazz?
Somebody chack the mens room for a Huge Ass.
(I’m Hugh Jazz)

I’m looking for a Jacques, last name Strap!
Uh…Hold on Jacques Strap?

Uh…Homer Sexual?
Come on, one of you guys has got to be Homer Sexual

Hey, is there a Butts here? Seymour Butts?
Hey, everybody, I want to Seymore Butts!

Mike Rotsh!
Has anybody seen Mike Crotch lately?

Ivana Tinkle!
All right everybody, put down your glasses. Ivana Tinkle!

Moes Tavern, loneliest man in the world speaking.
Is a Mr. Handsome there, initials I. M.?
I.M Handsome?
Thankyou Bart, I really needed that today.

I Get The Feeling He’s Had To Deal With This Before

Two women in a bus fighting bitterly over the last available seat.

The conductor had already tried unsuccessfully to intervene when the bus driver shouted to the conductor, “Let the ugly one take the seat!”

Both women stood for the rest of the journey

Argument done!

Sarcasm The Sharpest Form Of Wit

• Me? Sarcastic? Never!
• Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.
• Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
• If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
• Stupidity is not a crime. So, you’re free to go
• Yes, I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
• Your flexibility amazes me. How do you get your foot in your mouth, and you head up your ass at the same time?
• You never learn anything by doing it right.
• If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, don’t ask a stupid question.
• I’m returning your nose dear! I found it in my business.
• I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.
• From the moment I saw you I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.
• If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
• I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.
• Am I free tomorrow? No, I’m expensive.
• The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
• Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.
• I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
• I disagree but I respect your right to be stupid.
• I stopped listening, so why don’t you stop talking?
• Patience: What you have when there are far too many witnesses.

I Hope For His Sake It’s The Whiskey That’s The Problem

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, “What’s the matter?”

The man says, “l found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend.”

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, “What’s wrong this time?”

The man says, “I found out that my son is gay.”

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, “Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”

The man looks up and says, “Apparently my wife does.”

More Attitude Quotes

1. WIFE to HUSBAND: Sure, I make terrible choices. One of them was you.
2. I encouraged my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a big hug.
3. I’m not one for revenge but I might arrange for you to have an accident.
4. Putting on your makeup every day must be hard, with you having two faces.
5. They call it a selfie because narcissist is too hard for most people to spell.
6. I can’t help but wonder why someone hasn’t hit you in the face with a shovel yet.
7. When you spun the wheel of attitude this morning, clearly it landed on bitch again.
8. I’d love to help you, but I don’t even play an active role in my own life anymore.
9. Roses are red; violets are blue; I’ve got five fingers; the middle one’s for you.
10. Do I think you’re pretentious? You’d eat worms in a deli if they came with a French name.
11. There’s someone for everyone, and the person for you would have to be a psychiatrist.
12. Apart from being physically exhausted, financially challenged, overweight, and mentally unstable, everything’s going really well. Thanks.
13. It’s not for me to question your father’s sperm count, but, seriously, were you actually the sperm that won?
14. If I’m smiling, I’m contemplating doing something really bad. If I’m laughing, I’ve already done it.
15. I don’t have an attitude problem. You may have a problem with my attitude, but that’s not a problem for me.
16. There are trees out there tirelessly producing oxygen, so you can breathe. I think you owe them an apology.
17. When I was a child, my father told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. It seems, nowadays they call that identity theft.
18. Let me stop you right there. If it involves early mornings, sweating, or dealing with people, then the answer’s No!

The Professor Didn’t Think Of That?

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

WOOHOO!!!!