If People Were Honest On Their Dating Profiles
Really Bad (or accurate) Acronyms
to: ALL staff
from: Office of Superintendant
re: “Teacher In Service Training” schedule (TITS)
In accordance with recent changes in the State Education Law, our district is now required to supply bigger and better TITS for each employee.
We are therefore, pleased to announce the implementation of the Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT). It is our intention to give each member of the staff as much SHIT as possible. Advancement, salary increases and job changes will be dependent on the amount of SHIT you have taken.
Employees who feel they have taken as much SHIT as they can may apply to the School Council for Review of Educational Welfare (SCREW).
All employees are expected to be SCREW’d at least annually.
If you have taken SHIT and have been SCREW’d within the past academic year, you will be eligible to receive a Self Help Award for Teachers (SHAFT). Any employee who has been given the SHAFT will not be expected to take as much SHIT the following year.
The only exception to this regulation are those teachers who have Bilingual Activities in Language, Literature and Science (BALLS).
Teachers with enough BALLS may avoid being SCREW’d annually. Teachers in this category are eligible for courses offered by the Boston University Local Language program (BULL).
Approval for BULL SHIT courses must be obtained from the Superintendent’s Office-Business (SOB). Only the SOB can determine how much SHIT an employee must take before being SCREW’d.
Those teachers who have taken enough SHIT courses, have SCREW’d and given the SHAFT are eligible for the Regional Educational Division (RED) Award for Superior Service (ASS).
Only teachers with RED ASS will be considered for administrative positions, and entitled to give more SHIT than they take.
You Might Be An E.R. Doctor If…
1) Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
2) Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
3) You think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
4) You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants.
5) You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.
6) You say to yourself “great veins” when looking at complete strangers.
7) You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy it is quiet around here.”
8) You have ever referred to someone’s death as a transfer to the “Eternal Care Unit”.
9) You have ever had a patient say, “But I’m not pregnant, I can’t be pregnant. How can I be having a baby?”
10) You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say “I have no idea how that got stuck in there”.
11) Your most common assessment question is “what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?”
A Letter To The Secretary of Agriculture
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the “not raising hogs” business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 for each hog in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 each for not raising hogs.
If I get $50,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $100,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $4,000,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 1,000,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the “not milking cows” business, so send me any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
John Q. Farmer
Jokes From Famous Comedians
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means to ‘put down.’” – Bob Newhart
“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” – Steve Martin
“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” – Mel Brooks
“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re relentless.” – Mitch Hedberg
“I can’t believe we’re still giving clothing as a gift. Cause whenever you get clothing as a present, you always open it up and you think, ‘Not even close.’ And the person that gives it is always like, ‘You can take it back if you don’t like it.’ ‘That’s alright. I’ll just throw it out.’ Don’t give me an errand.” – Jim Gaffigan
“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.” – Billy Crystal
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
Gracie: “Did you ever know that my uncle Otis ran for city councilman of San Francisco? Oh, and what a campaign he put on!”
George: “Kissed all the babies, huh?”
Gracie: “Well, no, why should he? In San Francisco, very few babies are old enough to vote.”
- George Burns & Gracie Allen
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life… unless I buy something.” – Jackie Mason
“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” – Ellen DeGeneres
“I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying until I get it right.” – Richard Pryor
“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.” – George Carlin
“After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same [jerk] I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.” – Robin Williams
“Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry.” – Maria Bamford
“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” – Steven Wright
“The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.” – Milton Berle
“I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’” – Amy Schumer
“I grew up in New York in a neighborhood called Washington Heights. It’s not really a ghetto; it’s a ghetto suburb. Slums with trees. Even the birds are junkies. The birds don’t know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. ‘Tweet-tweet, sucker. Give me a quarter.’” – Freddie Prinze
“There was a point in time when we were in (Disneyland) where I lost my daughter. But I knew eventually I would run into her again, so I took that time to get on rides she couldn’t get on. When I saw her she was crying. I was like, ‘It’s not your birthday. Today’s not about you.’” – Kevin Hart
“I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.” – Dave Attell
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” – Joan Rivers
“Racism isn’t born, folks, it’s taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps. End of list.” – Denis Leary
“Never trust a preacher with more than two suits.” – Lenny Bruce
“I’m dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.” – Garry Shandling
“If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract.” – Jon Stewart
“If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.” – Woody Allen
“Housework won’t kill you. But then again, why take the chance?” – Phyllis Diller
“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. Last night she told me to put the garbage out. I told her I already did. She told me to go keep an eye on it.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“I have low self-esteem; when we were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.” – Richard Lewis
“I’m 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there’s never one around.” – Milton Berle
“I’m gonna tell you right now—somebody walked in here and told me I just won the lottery, I will walk out in the middle of this joke.” – Wanda Sykes
“I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say ‘Yeah? When?’” – Bill Hicks
Criminal: Your money or your life …
Criminal: Look, bud. I said your money or your life.
Benny: I’m thinking it over.
- Jack Benny
“Well, if God drinks, do you think God gets stoned once in a while? [Just] look at the platypus!” – Robin Williams
“I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can’t decide what I want and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later.” – Margaret Cho
“Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.” – Johnny Carson
“The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx
Why Ask Why?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
• If 7-11’s are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
• If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
• If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
• You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
• You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Buying Polish Sausage
A man enters a store and tells the clerk, “I’d like to buy some polish sausage.”
“Are you Polish?” asks the clerk.
“Yes, as a matter of fact, I am,” the man replies. “But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?”
“Well, no,” answers the clerk.
With deep self-righteous indignation, the man says, “Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?”
The clerk replies, “Because this is Home Depot.”
The Procrastinator Handbook
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator’s Society) if they ever get it organized.
How Shit Happens
In the Beginning was The Plan And then came the Assumptions And the Assumptions were without form And the Plan was completely without substance And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying “It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.” And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth, “It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof.”And the Supervisors went unto the Middle Managers and sayeth unto them, “It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.” And the Middle Managers went unto the Upper Managers and sayeth, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”And the Upper Managers spoke among themselves, saying one to another, “It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong.”And the Upper Managers went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them, “It promotes growth and is very powerful.”And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him, “This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this company, and in these Areas in particular.”And the President looked upon The Plan, and saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy. And this is how Shit Happens.
Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life
1. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
2. You think of the gadgets in your office as “friends,” but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
3. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers — and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers’ questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
4. You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
5. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase “digital compression.” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.
6. You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
7. You sign Christmas cards by putting next to your signature.
8. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
9. You back up your data every day.
10. Your wife asks you to pick up some mini pads for her at the store and you return with a wrist rest for her mouse.
11. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
12. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
13. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
14. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
15. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
16. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
17. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
18. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
19. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better — the track ball or the track *pad*.
20. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku…and don’t use a laptop.
Why Men Wear Earrings
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”
The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal out of this, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my truck…”