Friday Fun Stuff – 12-12-25

The Funniest British Comedy Sketch Ever Made

Your Mother

Dolly Parton’s Funniest Jokes About Her Own Boobs

• “I have little feet because nothing grows in the shade.”
• “I do have large boobs. Always had them. I’ve pushed them up, whacked them around. Why not make fun of them? I’ve made a fortune with them.”
• “I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.”
• “I don’t know if I’m supporting them, or they’re supporting me.”
• “People always ask me if they’re mine. Yes, they are, all bought and paid for.”
• “There’s a heart beneath the boobs, and a brain beneath the wig.”
• “Don’t you think we’ve had enough boobs in the white house?”

And That’s How Lawyers Are Made

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, which makes it really easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

He walks in and greets his mother, “Mommy, I know the whole truth.”

His mother quickly hands him $20 and whispers, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Feeling pleased, Johnny waits for his father to come home from work. As soon as Dad walks in, Johnny says, “Daddy, I know the whole truth.”

To Johnny’s surprise, Dad hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say anything to your mother.”

Very pleased, Johnny heads off to school the next morning. On his way he sees the mailman at his front door. Johnny walks up and says, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms wide, and says, “Then come give your real father a big hug!”

Caught Red-Handed

Let’s suppose your supervisor notices items on your screen not related to your normal work duties. If you plan a logical sounding “explanation” in advance, chances are you’ll be free to do your own thing for as long as you want.

If you’re caught copying software for home use, say…
“I’m just backing-up my hard drive.”

If you’re caught getting Stock Market updates, say…
“I was curious how market swings affect our organization.”

If you’re caught on one of the many “job” web sites, say…
“I’m analyzing the job market to compare our pay scales.”

If you’re caught checking out on-line auctions, say…
“I’m seeing if we can save money on supplies.”

If you’re caught doing personal e-mail, say…
“I’m requesting a friend’s help for a work-related problem.”

If you’re caught checking prices on a PC vendors site, say…
“I’m seeing if new technology can improve my production.”

If you’re caught working on your resume, say…
“I’m doing a typical background check for my desk manual.”

If you’re caught viewing some “Babe of the Day”, say…
“I’m resetting the pixels for screen clarity.”

If you’re caught making invitations for a party, say…
“I’m familiarizing myself with some new software.”

If you’re caught viewing Super Models, say…
“I was wondering if we need a dress code for the Office.”

If you’re caught playing some inane screen game, say…
“I’m experimenting with some new mouse settings.”

If you’re caught checking-out link sites, say…
“I was curious how our organization was listed on the Web.”

If you’re caught on a porn site, say…
“I’m experimenting with a new porno blocker for the Office.”

If you’re caught checking football scores, say…
“I’m just trying to keep the Office Football Pool honest.”

If you’re caught downloading software, say…
“I’m applying to be a Beta Tester for our company.”

If you’re caught working on your Web Site, say…
“I’m trying to improve our exposure on the Web.”

If you’re caught in chat room, say…
“I’m comparing notes with peers in like positions.”

If you’re caught surfing, say…
“I’m attempting to find new resources for my work.”

If you’re caught reading/sending jokes, say…
“I’m obtaining new material for the next Staff Meeting.”

That’s An Interesting Way To Know

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin-engine plane. Moments later, the tower phone rang — it was a panicked passenger on board!

“Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! The pilot just had a heart attack! I’m flying upside down at 18,000 feet and going 180 mph! ”

The controller replied calmly, “Alright, sir, we’ve got you. Stay calm and answer a few questions.”

“Tower: “How do you know you’re at 18,000 feet?”

Aircraft: “The altimeter says 18,000 right in front of me.”

Tower: “Good. How do you know you’re going 180 mph?”

Aircraft: “The airspeed dial says 180.”

Tower: “Perfect so far. Now… how do you know you’re upside down?”

Aircraft: “Because… the pee from my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”

Never Say ‘Fuck You’, Say This Instead

• Sarcastic English: “Your absence would be the greatest gift.”
• Formal English: “You will vacate this space forthwith.”
• Upper class English: “I find your company intolerably tedious.”
• Victorian English: “I should rather be left to solitude than endure the torment of your presence.”
Royal English: “I have exhausted the utmost measure of patience one may extend in such circumstances, and I must therefore insist that you retire without delay, lest my temper betray me into unseemly candor.”

And That’s Why You Should Keep Your Best Secrets To Yourself

Four older women were gathered around their weekly bridge game when one of them decided it was time to come clean.

The first lady cleared her throat and said, “Ladies, I’ve known you all for years, and there’s something I need to confess. I’m a kleptomaniac. But don’t worry, I’ve never taken anything from you, and I never will. Our friendship means too much to me.”

The second lady raised her hand with a sheepish grin. “Well, since we’re sharing secrets, here’s mine. I’m a nymphomaniac. But don’t worry, your husbands aren’t my type at all. You’re my closest friends, and I’d never jeopardize that.”

The third lady nodded thoughtfully and said, “l guess it’s my turn. I’m a lesbian. But don’t worry, you’re not my type. I care about our bond more than anything.”

The fourth lady sat silently for a moment before up, grabbing her purse, and announcing, “Well, I have a confession, too. I’m an incurable gossip, and now I have so much to talk about!”

Restaurant Notice

Rare means RARE.
A very red center that is still raw. Only the outside is cooked.

Medium Rare means JUICY.
A pinkish red center that has begun to cook.

Medium is still PINK.
The center is cooking

Medium Well
The center has just lost all it’s pinkness and the juices are drying up

Well Done
It’s burnt offering. You have destroyed a piece of nature and the Chef hates you.

What’s Collateral?

An old Native American man needed to borrow $500, so he went to the local bank and asked to speak to the Loans Officer.
The banker welcomed him and began filling out a loan application.
Banker: “What are you going to do with the money?”
Old man: “Buy silver, make jewelry, then sell it.”
Banker: “And what do you have for collateral?”
Old man: “I don’t know what collateral is.”
The banker explained, “Collateral is something valuable we hold in case you can’t pay back the loan. Do you have any vehicles?”
Old man: “Yes, a 1979 Chevy pickup.”
Banker: “That won’t work. How about livestock?”
Old man: “I have a horse.”
Banker: “How old is the horse?”
Old man: “Don’t know… but it has no teeth.”
After several more questions, the banker decided to approve the loan.
A few weeks later, the old man returned, pulled out a roll of $100 bills, and handed the banker $500.
Banker: “Business must be good! What are you going to do with the rest of the money?”
Old man: “Keep it close to me.”
Banker: “Why don’t you deposit it in the bank?”
Old man: “I don’t know what a deposit is.”
The banker explained, “You put the money in our bank, we take care of it, and whenever you need it, you can take it out.”
The old man leaned across the desk, looked the banker in the eye, and asked:
“What do you have for collateral?”

Things You’ll Never Hear A Southern Boy Say

31. When I retire, I’m movin’ north.
30. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen.
29. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won’t fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken
26. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
25. You can’t feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We’re vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don’t need another dog.
18. Who cares who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wall-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I’ve got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
8. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate
6. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
4. I don’t have a favorite college team.
3. You Guys.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
1. Nope, no more beer for me. I’m driving a whole bus load of us down to vote Democrat!

It’s A Pet Rooster

An elderly rancher named Hank decided he wanted to head into town to catch a movie.

As he walked up to the ticket counter, the attendant asked, “Sir… what’s that on your shoulder?”

Hank replied, “Oh, that’s my pet rooster, Rusty. He goes everywhere with me.”

The attendant shook his head. “Sorry, sir no animals allowed in the theater.”

Hank thought for a second, went around the corner, and tucked Rusty down inside his overalls. Then he came back, bought his ticket, and found a seat beside two elderly sisters, Edna and Betty.

As the movie started, Rusty got restless, so Hank unbuttoned his overalls just enough for the rooster to peek out and watch.

A minute later, Edna leaned toward her sister and whispered, “Betty, I think the man beside me is being indecent.”

“What makes you think that?” Betty asked.

Edna whispered, “He’s got his, well, you know, out!”

Betty sighed, “Oh, Edna, we’re too old to be shocked. Seen one, seen ’em all.”

“That’s what I thought too,” Edna replied, “but this one’s munching on my popcorn!”

Adds Were Different Back Then