Jokes – Question And Answer

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares of the 1970’s and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes.
These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course…

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget!

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
click here to close

Before the Vancouver 2010 winter Olympics, some people called with questions about Canada. These questions (and answers) about Canada were actually posted on an international Tourism Website.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let’s not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What, did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North… oh forget it. Sure the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is… oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget it’s name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare it by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
click here to close

(REVOCABLE AT ANY TIME)

NOTE – This application will be Incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

1. NAME:_____________________ DATE OF BIRTH: _______________
2. HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT: ______IQ: ________GPA: ______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY #: ___________DRIVERS LICENSE #: _________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK:_______________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS: ________________CITY: _________ ZIP ______
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Yes____ No_______ If NO, explain: ________________________________________________
7. Number of years parents married: ___________
8. DO YOU OWN A VAN? ____ A TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES OR CAMPER SHELL? ____ WATERBED? _____ MOTORCYCLE? _____ TATOO? ____ COLOR ALTERED HAIR? ___ (IF YES TO ANY PART OF #8, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY)
9. In 50 words or less, what does “Late” mean to you? _________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does “DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you? _________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does “ABSTINENCE” mean to you? _________________________________________________________
12. What church do you attend? ________________ How often do you attend? ____/ week
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, priest or pastor? ____________
14. Fill in the blanks: Please answer freely – all answers are confidential (That means I won’t tell anyone – I promise):
A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the _____________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _____________
C. A women’s place is in the __________________
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ____________________
E. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice is _____________________ (NOTE: If the answer to “E” begins with a B, T, or A, discontinue and leave the premises immediately with your head hung low.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _________________________
16. Do you plan to attend a Catholic or Christian College? _________ Which one? ____________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

_____________________ Signature (That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (this action will void this application). If your application is rejected you will be notified by two angels wearing red suits and carrying pitch forks. (You might want to start praying now).
click here to close

A day in the life at the etch-a-sketch help desk…

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don’t shake it.
click here to close

“Are you male or female?” Take this test and find out for sure.

Aside from getting sterilized, your birth control options are:
a. one
b. almost a dozen

When parking your car in a public garage you:
a. toss your keys jauntily to the attendant
b. hand your keys over politely

You haven’t shaved in 4 days. The resulting stubble can be construed as:
a. sexy
b. gross

At the doctor’s, a common request would be:
a. “Cough.”
b. “Would you like to scoot down just a little more dear?”

As a sporty person, you need athletic support with:
a. one cup
b. two cups

When you’re feeling insecure, what you say to your best friend is:
a. nothing
b. “Do I look fat?”

You’ve slept with several hundred people, one term used to describe you would be:
a. sports legend
b. tramp

The age it hits home that junk food will devastate your body is:
a. 35
b. 14

When you hear the words “hand wash,” the first thing that comes to your mind is:
a. your car
b. panty hose

It’s the seventh game of the playoffs, bottom of the ninth, score tied. Bases are loaded with 2 outs. The man at bat has a .338 average against southpaws, and the pitcher is a lefty. Your mate turns to you and says “Do you want a back rub?” You are:
a. too busy screaming at the TV to even hear the question
b. daydreaming

Your idea of basic pump is:
a. an athletic shoe made by Nike
b. a heeled shoe made by Fayva

Multiple Org@sms are something you:
a. give
b. get

SCORING
a = 1 point, b = 2 points

0-12 Congratulations, you are a male. This means you have a greater lean-muscle-to-fat ratio, earn most of the money, and a select few of your sex can look forward to being president someday.

13-24 Congratulations, you are a female. This means you will live longer, have your choice of wearing either pants or a skirt in polite company and a select few of your sex can look forward to being president someday.
click here to close

Katie Couric, while interviewing a Marine sniper, asked:

“Do you feel anything when you shoot a terrorist?”

The Marine shrugged and replied, “A slight recoil.”
click here to close

Q. Why did you bring the patient here?
A. I guess the sign out front that says “Emergency Department; Physician on duty” fooled me into thinking that this was a hospital that treated patients!

Q. Do you think the patient can be triaged to the lobby?
A. Since they demanded transport for a refill on their prescription I am sure that the lobby is more than an appropriate place for them to go. Unless you can triage them to the parking lot or the nearest bus stop.

Q. How come the patient didn’t just call a cab or take the bus?
A. Because the taxi services and the bus lines are smart enough not to take Medi-cal instead of cash payment.

Q. What are the patients bowel sounds? (On a critical ‘auto vs. tree’ patient).
A. Since we were on the side of the freeway and now are en-route to the hospital the bowel sounds pretty much resemble a diesel engine.

Q. Did you look for ID?
A. Sorry, no. I might find guns, knives razors and crack pipes during the physical exam but I am not going to reach into his pockets looking for ID and find a needle.

Q. What’s the patient’s name? What’s the patient’s name?!! (on a cardiac arrest victim).
A. I don’t know, I asked him four times after he coded and he wouldn’t answer me once!

Q. What are the vitals? (Different Nurse, same code).
A. If we’re doing CPR right he should have a pulse rate of 80-100/min, 24 respirations/min, and a blood pressure of maybe 40 systolic.

Q. Can the patient sign the insurance and permission forms?
A. Only if they use your pen.

Q. (On the radio) Are you sure she’s in ventricular tachycardia? The complexes are rapid and wide not narrow, right?
A. Uh, yeah I’m sure it’s V-tach, we covered this rhythm in some detail in Paramedic school. Is this a pop quiz?

Q. Can we clear? We don’t do this medical stuff. (Fire Captain).
A. Yes, you can clear. I am sure there is a La Z Boy recliner and a quart of ice cream waiting for you somewhere.

Q. Is he dead? (Different Fire Captain, same department).
A. What tipped you off? The dependant lividity, the rigor mortis, or maybe the ants crawling in and out of his nose?

Q. Why can’t you hold over for a few hours this morning? (Management).
A. Why not? I’ve only been awake for 26 hours straight and been puked on twice, I think it is safe to say I would rather floss my teeth with barbed wire.

Q. Can you guys hear the siren when it’s on while you are in the cab of your ambulance?
A. What?! You will have to speak up I can’t hear you from all the years of listening to the siren inside this ambulance.
click here to close

Q. What’s a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff…in your new car.

Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it’s worth it!

Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between ‘ooooooh’and ‘aaaaaaah’?
A. About three inches.

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.

Q: What’s the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What’s the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don’t have balls to scratch!
click here to close

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.

Q. What is your brother-in-law’s name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What’s his first name?
A. I can’t remember.
Q. He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God’s sake, tell them your first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.

Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there as a victim?

Q: . . . and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn’t offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on, what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she’d kill that son of a b!tch- and she did!

Q: Do you drink when you’re on duty?
A: I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q: . . . any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.

Q: Are you se xually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
click here to close

by Dave Barry

An excerpt from the book “Dave Barry in Cyberspace”

Q: What, exactly, is the Internet?
A: The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government, business, and private computer systems.

Q: Who runs it?
A: A 13-year-old named Jason.

Q: How can I get on the Internet?
A: The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular commercial “on-line” services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe, or America Online, which will give you their program disks for free. Or, if you just leave your house unlocked, they’ll sneak in some night and install their programs on your computer when you’re sleeping. They really want your business.

Q: What are the benefits of these services?
A: The major benefit is that they all have simple, “user-friendly” interfaces that enable you-even if you have no previous computer experience-to provide the on-line services with the information they need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card bill forever.

Q: What if I die?
A: They don’t care.

Q: Can’t I cancel my account?
A: Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.

Q: How?
A: Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been trying for years to cancel our on-line service accounts, but no matter what we do, the charges keep appearing on our bills. We’re thinking of entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.

Q: What if I have children?
A: You’ll want an anesthetic, because it really hurts.

Q: No, I mean: What if my children also use my Internet account?
A: You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to the on-line service right now.

Q: Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I’m connected to an on-line service?
A: Millions of things! An incredible array of things! No end of things!

Q: Like what?
A: You can… ummmm … OK! I have one! You can chat.

Q: Chat?
A: Chat.

Q: I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
A: Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people all over the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many of whom are boring and stupid!

Q: Sounds great! How does it work?
A: Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as “ByteMe2″ so nobody will know their real identities.

Q: What are their real identities?
A: They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes – you could be talking to almost anybody on the Internet!

Q: Really?
A: No. You re almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed 13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists, singers, etc.

Q: What do people talk about in chat areas?
A: Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating, topic is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace, every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women. To give you an idea of how scintillating the repartee can be, here’s a re-creation of a typical chat area dialog (do not read this scintillating repartee while operating heavy machinery):

LilBrisket: Hi everybody
Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket
Toadster: Hi Bris
Lungftook: Hi B
LilBrisket: What’s going on?
Toadster: Not much
Lungftook: Pretty quiet

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
LilBrisket: No
Toadster: Nope
Lungftook: Sorry

(LONGISH PAUSE)

UvulaBob: Hi everybody
Toadster: Hi UvulaBob
Lungftook: Hi Uvula
LilBrisket: Hi UB
Wazootyman: Hi U
UvulaBob: What’s happening?
LilBrisket: Kinda slow
Toadster: Same old same old
Lungflook: Pretty quiet
Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties
LilBrisket: OK, but I’m a man

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
UvulaBob: No

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Lungftook: Well, gotta run
Toadster: ‘bye, Lungflook
LilBrisket: Take ‘er easy, Lungster
Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung
UvulaBob: So long, L

(LONGISH PAUSE)

PolypMaster: Hi everybody
LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster
Toadster: Yo, Polyp
UvulaBob: Hi, P
PolypMaster: What’s going on?
LilBrisket: Not much
Toadster: Pretty quiet
UvulaBob: Kinda slow…

And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting hour, where the ideas flow fast and furious, and at any moment you could learn some fascinating nugget of global-network information, such as whether or not PolypMaster comes from Texas.

Q: Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the Internet?
A: You can join one of the thousands of forums wherein people, by posting messages, discuss political topics of the day.

Q: Like what?
A: Barry Manilow.

Q: There’s a forum for Barry Manilow?
A: There’s a forum for everything.

Q: What happens on these forums?
A: Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example, fans post messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, and other fans respond by posting messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, too. And then sometimes the forum is invaded by people posting messages about how much they hate Barry Manilow, which in turn leads to angry counter messages and vicious name-calling that can go on for months.

Q: Just like junior high school!
A: But even more pointless.

Q: Are there forums about sex?
A: Zillions of them.

Q: What do people talk about on those?
A: Barry Manilow.

Q: No, really.
A: OK, they talk about sex, but it is not all titillating. Often you’ll find highly scientific discussions that expand the frontiers of human understanding.

Q: It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.
A: It is.

Q: What is the “World Wide Web”?
A: The World Wide Web is the multimedia version of the Internet, where you can get not only text but also pictures and sounds on a semi-infinite range of topics. This information is stored on “Web pages,” which are maintained by companies, institutions, and individuals. Using special software, you can navigate to these pages and read, look at, or listen to all kinds of cool stuff.

Q: Wow! How can I get on the Web?
A: It’s easy! Suppose you’re interested in buying a boat from an Australian company that has a Web page featuring pictures and specifications of its various models. All you have to do is fire up your World Wide Web software and type in the company’s Web page address, which will probably be an intuitive, easy-to-remember string of characters like this:
http//:wwwfweemer-twirple.com/heppledork/sockitomesockitomefee##$.fle/fo/fum

Q: What if I type one single character wrong?
A: You will launch U.S. nuclear missiles against Norway.

Q: Ah.
A: But assuming you type in the correct address, you merely press Enter, and there you are!

Q: Where?
A: Sitting in front of your computer waiting for something to happen. It could take weeks. Entire new continents can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to what you may have heard, the Internet does not operate at the speed of light; it operates at the speed of the Department of Motor Vehicles.. It might be quicker for you to just go over to Australia and look at the boats in person.

Q: Does that mean that the World Wide Web is useless?
A: Heck no! If you’re willing to be patient, you’ll find that you can utilize the vast resources of the Web to waste time in ways that you never before dreamed possible.

Q: For example?
A: For example, recently I was messing around with a “Web browser,” which is a kind of software that lets you search all of cyberspace – millions of documents for references to a specific word or group of words. You can find pretty much everything that anybody has ever written on the Internet about that topic; it’s an incredibly powerful research tool.

Q: That is truly beautiful.
A: Yes. And it’s just one teensy little piece, one infinitesimally tiny fraction, of the gigantic, pulsating, mutating, multiplying mass of stuff out there on the Internet. Sooner or later, everything is going to be on there somewhere. You should be on there, too. Don’t be afraid! Be like the bold explorer Christopher Columbus, (E-mail address:ChrisCol@nina,pinta&santamaria.ahoy) setting out into uncharted waters, fearful of what you might encounter, but also mindful of the old inspirational maritime saying: “If you don’t leave the land, then you’ll probably never have a chance to get scurvy and develop anemia, spongy gums, and bleeding from the mucous membranes.”

So come on! join me and millions of others on this exciting Cyber Frontier, with its limitless possibilities for the enhancement of knowledge and the betterment of the human race!

Wazootyman is waiting for you.
click here to close

The quiz below will help you to determine if you are truly ready to attend college. Answer all questions below choosing one of the multiple choice answers for each question as your answer.

1) You have five minutes to get dressed before leaving for a hot date. You suddenly realize you don’t have any clean socks. You:
   a. Rummage through the dirty laundry, sniffing each sock until finding two that don’t make your eyes water.
   b. Cover your ankles with black shoe polish.
   c. Tell your date you always wished you were old enough to select your own wardrobe when Miami Vice was all the rage.
   d. Arrive for your date wearing nothing but an old sheet and claiming you thought tonight was the big toga party.
2) In order to afford a decent apartment you’ll need to find a roommate. The most important feature in a roommate is:
   a. They don’t own an accordion.
   b. Their main goal in life isn’t to prove heterosexuality is vastly overrated.
   c. When they tell you they love smokin’ rock, they are referring to an Eddie Van Halen guitar solo.
   d. They don’t arrive wearing a PETA t-shirt that says “cockroaches are people too.”
3) You desperately need a good grade in your English Lit class, yet it’s two hours before the paper is due and you haven’t even written the first line. You:
   a. Walk out to the driveway and slam your writing hand in the car door.
   b. You write a fantasy paper titled, “What if Shakespeare was born a pig?” You rewrite Hamlet in Pig Latin and title it, “Piglet.”
   c. You casually mention to your professor how you long for the good ole’ days when it wasn’t considered sexual harassment to trade sex for good grades.
   d. You call Dr. Kevorkian to see if he owns a walk-in clinic.
4) Your first semester is the time to get used to college life and make new friends. By the second semester you plan to really buckle down and show what you’re made of. Your biggest goal is:
   a. To raise your GPA to 1.5.
   b. To cut your beer consumption to no more than 20 bottles on nights before big tests.
   c. To get a date with someone whose phone number doesn’t begin with 1-900.
   d. To prove illiteracy isn’t necessarily a drawback.
5) In order to survive on a tight budget you will need to cut corners. Which of the following is the best way to save money?:
   a. Stock up on free food by walking into the school cafeteria wearing a catchers mitt and screaming, “food fight!”
   b. Cut down on the expense of Christmas lights by cutting up all your glow-in-the-dark Frisbees and sprinkling them in the bushes.
   c. Save gas expenses while treating your date to a fancy dinner by shutting off the car as you wait in the drive-thru line.
   d. Eliminate the high cost of meat by getting all your protein from beans. This has the added benefit of insuring you won’t have any friends who’ll try to talk you into going out on weekends.
6) In order to have a chance of being accepted, it’s crucial that, on your college application you don’t mention:
   a. In high school you were voted “most likely to become a political prisoner.”
   b. You haven’t tried to kill any teachers since the doctor tripled your Prozac dosage.
   c. That Animal House is your favorite movie.
   d. Although you failed several courses in high school you always earned an A for effort.
7) It’s a generally considered a bad sign if:
   a. You’re asked to pledge “Geek.”
   b. MIT tells you they’ll accept you as long as you qualify for their football scholarship.
   c. Your English professor suggests you transfer to English as a Second Language.
   d. An aptitude shows you’re best qualified to be homeless.
8) The only hope you have of passing your calculus final is:
   a. Tattoo the answers on the inside of your eyelids.
   b. Secure pictures of your professor dressing a sheep in a nightgown.
   c. You have no hope since you’ve never passed as much as a urine test.
   d. Study hard. (I’m just checking whether you’re paying attention.)
9) When you go for that all-important interview at the college of your dreams, be sure to impress the interviewer by:
   a. Blowing smoke rings with the Cuban cigars you brag about smuggling into the country.
   b. Demonstrating how you can belch the school fight song.
   c. Explaining why academia is the real power behind the evil United Nations and the New World Order, and how you’ve figured out how to build a powerful bomb out of old newspapers and Hershey’s syrup.
   d. Speak in tongues.
10) Employers tend to hire students who were active in campus organizations. In order to make yourself a more attractive job candidate, you should join the:
   a. Intramural Nude Volleyball Team.
   b. FAA (Future Alcoholics of America.)
   c. Academic Probation Club. (It shows initiative to join before you take your first class.)
   d. All of the below.

Scoring your test:

For each A – add 5 points.
For each B – divide by 1.377 points.
For each C – multiply by 0 points.
For each D – subtract 500 points.
For each F that you circled – See an eye doctor.
If you scored between 50 and negative 2,000 points: Consult a mental health practitioner immediately!
click here to close

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables! So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening…. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. I n fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up – totally worn out and screaming, “WOOO HOOO – WHAT A RIDE!”
click here to close

Do you speak English?
Yes!
Name?
Abdul al-Rhazib.
Sex?
Three to five times a week.
No, no…I mean male or female?
Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
Holy cow!
Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
But isn’t that hostile?
Horse style, doggy style, any style!
Oh dear!
No, no! Deer run too fast…
click here to close

Question: How many testers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: None. Testers just noticed that the room was dark. Testers don’t fix the problems, they just find them.

Question: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: What’s the problem? The bulb at my desk works fine!

Question: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: NONE! That’s a hardware problem….

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the good tester, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

There was a software tester who had an exceptional gift for finding all bugs. After serving his company for many years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million-dollar application. They had tried everything and everyone else to find the bug but the failure happened again and again. In desperation, they called on the retired software tester who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The software tester reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the application. At the end of the day, he wrote exact steps how to reproduce the problem and stated, “This is where your problem is.” The bug was fixed. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the software tester for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The software tester responded briefly: One bug report $1. Knowing what to put in it, $49,999.

A developer/tester convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were a bunch of developer majors and a bunch of tester majors. Each of the developer majors had his/her train ticket. The group of testers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The developer majors started laughing and snickering. Then, one of the testers said, “here comes the conductor” and then all of the testers went into the bathroom. The developer majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and said “tickets please” and got tickets from all the developer majors. He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said “ticket please” and the testers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and then the testers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The developer majors felt really stupid. So, on the way back from the convention, the group of developer majors had one ticket for the group. They started snickering at the testers, for the whole group had no tickets amongst them. Then, the tester lookout said “Conductor coming!” All the testers went to one bathroom. All the developer majors went to another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the testers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said “ticket please.”
Lesson learned: Any test that passed in unit testing can fail in system testing.
click here to close

Do you want to know if you suffer from “Alertness Deficit Disorder” (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn’t scare you, let’s just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.

1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?
2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it’s easier?
3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?
4. Do you find that it’s easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?
5. Have you ever drunk cold coffee?…right out of the pot?
6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?
7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?
8. Has anyone ever told you that you “have a problem”?
9. Do you need coffee:
   a) …to get up in the morning?
   b) …to get out of bed?
   c) …to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?
10. Do you own a “Coffee Helmet”? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee- helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)
11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you “Ona mac towanda” (Smells-like- coffee)?
12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?
13. Have you ever sold personal or other people’s possessions just to get your fix for the day?
14. Does the phrase “Swiss water decaffeinated” strike terror into your heart?
15. Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
   a) …in more than five?
   b) …in your bathroom?
16. Do the people at Coffee Bean refuse do give you free coffee cards anymore?
   a) …because you’re wearing out their hole-punch?
   b) …and it’s bad for the environment?
17. Do you grind your own coffee?…with your teeth?
18. Do you grow your own coffee?
19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you’re “drinking their profits”?
20. Do you know Juan Valdez?
   a) …and his donkey?
   b) …intimately?
21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?
22. Is sleep a hobby of yours?
   a) …that you don’t like?
   b) …because it’s too frustrating?
If you answered yes to any of these questions…RIP
click here to close

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
click here to close

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked
hard enough in the eye.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don’t worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day’s drive away and a diploma from a third world country

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment!

Q My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I’m away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn’t do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $20 co-payment, there’s no harm in giving it a shot.

Q Will health care be different in the next decade?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

To Your Good Health (because as you see, you’ll need it!)
click here to close

• Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
• Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
• If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
• If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
• If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
• You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
• You know that little indestructible “black box” that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
• Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
click here to close

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 AM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
click here to close

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old to you think someone should be before they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedures.

Q. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a professional when their needs to fax becomes too great.

Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be used to insure a safe fax.

Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I fax prematurely?
A. Don’t panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven’t faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won’t mind if you try again.

Q. I have a personal and business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won’t transmit anything you’re not suppose to.
click here to close

Q: Where can men over the age of 55 find younger, sexy partners who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done you’ll have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in The Bible. Is that true?
Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: “And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt…”

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 55-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 55-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 55-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 55-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 55-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: “Gosh, I remember these!”

SMILE, you’ve still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?
click here to close

• Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
• Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it?
• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
• Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
• If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
• Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
• What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
• Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
• If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for???
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
• Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
click here to close

Whether you are a mom who cooks for many, a bachelor who cooks on rare occasions for himself, or a new college student who for the first time has his or her own refrigerator – you will eventually all open the fridge one day and say to yourself, “Can I eat this or will it kill me?

Well here are some guidelines to help you get through the crisis, so you will know what to eat and what to toss.

THE GAG TEST ———— Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS —- When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS ————— Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can’t get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you’ve never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE ———– If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS ————- Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled – (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES —————- This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT —- If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD —– Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR —– Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

LETTUCE ——- Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. (We didn’t think you needed guidance with this one)

CANNED GOODS ————– Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS ——- A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS ——– Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES ——– If it looks like it is ready for planting, toss it.

CHIP DIP ——– If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS —————– Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS: ————– You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: ———————– Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.
click here to close

- Answers written by kids-
Q. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
– Alan, age 10

Q. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
– Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
– Freddie, age 6

Q. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
– Derrick, age 8

Q. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
– Lori, age 8

Q. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
– Lynnette, age 8

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
– Martin, age 10

Q. WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
– Craig, age 9

Q. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they’re rich.
– Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be at least eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
- – Curt, age 7

(3) The rule goes like this…If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– Howard, age 8

Q. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1) I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out.
– Theodore, age 8

(2) It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9

Q. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
– Kelvin, age 8

Q. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like crap.
– Ricky, age 10
click here to close

• Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
• Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
• Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
• Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
• Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
• Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
• You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! !
• Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
• Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
click here to close

Answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask…

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine.

The five questions are:

1 – “What are you thinking?”
2 – “Do you love me?”
3 – “Do I look fat?”
4 – “Do you think she is prettier than me?”
5 – “What would you do if I died?”

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 – “What are you thinking?” The proper answer to this question, of course is, “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.” Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a – Football
b – Baseball
c – How fat you are.
d – How much prettier she is than you.
e – How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. “If I wanted you to know,” Al said, “I’d be talking instead of thinking.”

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 – “Do you love me?” The correct answer to this question is, “Yes.” For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, “Yes, dear.” Wrong answers include:

a – I suppose so.
b – Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c – That depends on what you mean by “love”.
d – Does it matter?
e – Who, me?

3 – “Do I look fat?” The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, “No, of course not” and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

a – I wouldn’t call you fat, but I wouldn’t call you thin either.
b – Compared to what?
c – A little extra weight looks good on you.
d – I’ve seen fatter.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4 – “Do you think she’s prettier than me?” The “she” in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, “No, you are much prettier.” Wrong answers include:

a – Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b – I don’t know how one goes about rating such things.
c – Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d – Only in the sense that she’s younger and thinner.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 – “What would you do if I died?” Correct answer: “Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino’s Pizza truck that came my way.” This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

“Dear,” said the wife. “What would you do if I died?”
“Why, dear, I would be extremely upset,” said the husband.
“Why do you ask such a question?”
“Would you remarry?” persevered the wife. “No, of course not, dear” said the husband. “Don’t you like being married?” said the wife. “Of course I do, dear” he said.
“Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
“All right,” said the husband, “I’d remarry.”
“You would?” said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
“Yes” said the husband.
“Would you sleep with her in our bed?” said the wife after a long pause.
“Well yes, I suppose I would.” replied the husband.
“I see,” said the wife indignantly. “And would you let her wear my old clothes?”
“I suppose, if she wanted to” said the husband.
“Really,” said the wife icily. “And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?”
“Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.”
“Is that so?” said the wife, leaping to her feet. “And I suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too.”
“Of course not, dear,” said the husband. “She’s left-handed.”
click here to close

If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want?

If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it’s 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?

If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?

Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?

If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?

Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?

If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st – January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?

If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?

When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it?

When you see the weather report and it says “partly cloudy” and then the next day it says “partly sunny”; what’s the difference?

Can a person choke and die on a life saver?
click here to close

1) Customer-Oriented Marketing is looking at our job through the customer’s
     (a) eyes
     (b) file
     (c) wallet

2) A good opening to a customer who voices a complaint is,
     (a) I’m sorry
     (b) I’m upset
     (c) You are having a problem

3) Remember, arguing with the customer can only make a bad situation
     (a) worse
     (b) better
     (c) more entertaining

4) Make positive contact with your customers by being friendly,
     (a) bashful
     (b) enthusiastic
     (c) open and interested
     (d) flirtatious

5) Using a customer’s name and saying ”Thank you” are examples of being
     (a) pushy
     (b) friendly
     (c) patronizing

6) While working with your present customer,
     (a) acknowledge
     (b) ignore a waiting customer
     (c) become interested in and leave the premises with

7) Customers feel you are happy to have their business when you smile and say
     (a) nothing
     (b) thank you
     (c) The gas is free today

8) Friendly service is giving the customer your full attention and making
     (a) eye contact.
     (b) hand contact.
     (c) felonious intimate contact.

9) One way to show customers full attention is to call them
     (a) by phone
     (b) by name
     (c) obnoxious

10) Keep the station
     (a) cluttered
     (b) neat and clean so customers do not take their business elsewhere.
     (c) empty

11) Use the intercom for customer assistance and
     (a) safety
     (b) entertainment
     (c) inaudibility

12) A good opening to a complaining customer could be to tell them you are
     (a) excited
     (b) pleased
     (c) happy
     (d) sorry
     (e) extremely busy and tired of their whining

13) Customers waiting for island service should be
     (a) patient
     (b) ignored
     (c) acknowledged
     (d) important
     (e) advised on airfare deals to Tahiti

14) What kind of service should customers get?
     (a) quick
     (b) friendly
     (c) professional
     (d) all of the above
     (e) incomprehensible, greasy, and fear-inducing

15) One way to give customers personal attention is to
     (a) accept credit cards
     (b) ignore them
     (c) call them by name
     (d) talk to two customers at once
     (e) encourage them to join you in the booth
click here to close

Important! Important!

Please fill out and mail this card within three days of purchase.

Thank you for purchasing a Lockheed Martin military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below.

Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other

First Name ______________
Last Name________________

Latitude_________________
Longitude________________

Altitude_________________
Password_________________
Code name________________

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

__F-14 Tomcat __F-15 Eagle __F-16 Falcon __F-119A Stealth __ Classified

3. Date of purchase:
Month_____ Day_____ Year______

4. Serial Number______

5. Please check where this product was purchased:
_Received as Gift/Aid Package
_Catalog Showroom
_Sleazy Arms Broker
_Mail Order
_Discount Store
_Government Surplus
_Hijacked it using one of your spies
_Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the Lockheed Martin product you have just purchased:

_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Store Display
_Espionage
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by manufacturer
_Was attacked by one
_Was bombed by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision to purchase this Lockheed Martin product:
_Style/Appearance
_Kickback/Bribe
_Recommended by salesperson
_Speed/Maneuverability
_Comfort/Convenience
_ Lockheed Martin Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Price/Value
_Back-Room Politics
_Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
_Latin America
_South America
_Aircraft Carrier
_Europe
_Middle East
_Africa
_Asia/Far East
_Misc. Third-World Countries
_Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future:
_ICBM
_Killer Satellite
_Air-to-Air Missiles
_Space Shuttle
_Nuclear Weapon
_Hydrogen/Neutron Bomb
_Light Saber
_X-Wing Fighter
_Millennium Falcon
_Imperial Star Destroyer
_Death Star

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that apply:
_Communist/Socialist
_Terrorist
_Islamic Fundamentalist
_Zionist
_Nazi
_Neutral
_Democratic
_Dictatorship
_Corrupt (Latin American)
_Corrupt (Other)
_Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your Lockheed Martin product?
_Cash
_Suitcases of Cocaine
_Oil Revenues
_Deficit Spending
_Personal Check
_Credit Card
_Ransom Money
_Traveler’s Check
_Swiss bank account transactions
_Counterfeit $1,000 dollar bills

12. Occupation
_Revolutionary
_Clerical
_Mercenary
_Tyrant
_Corporate CEO
_Dictator
_Oil Billionaire
_Drug Lord
_Defense Minister/General
_Retired
_Student

13. To help us understand our Customers’ lifestyles, please indicate all the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating in on a regular basis:
_Sabotage
_Propaganda/Disinformation
_Destabilizing/Overthrow
_Bankruptcy
_Industrial Espionage
_Black Market/Smuggling
_Interrogation/Torture
_Crushing Rebellions
_Military Reconnaissance
_Border Disputes
_Mutually Assured Destruction
_Golf

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help Lockheed Martin serve you better in the future — as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our products? Please write to:

Lockheed Martin Corporation
6801 Rockledge Drive
Bethesda, MD 20817
click here to close

You are driving down the road in your 2-seater sports car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON’T BELIEVE THIS………………..

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: ‘I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.’

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to, ‘Think Outside of the Box’.

HOWEVER, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because the HMO’s won’t pay for her anyway; have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
click here to close