If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares of the 1970’s and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes.
These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course…
Q. Do female frogs croak?
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
Q True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
Before the Vancouver 2010 winter Olympics, some people called with questions about Canada. These questions (and answers) about Canada were actually posted on an international Tourism Website.
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?(USA)
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget it’s name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
Application To Date My Daughter
(REVOCABLE AT ANY TIME)
NOTE – This application will be Incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
1. NAME:_____________________ DATE OF BIRTH: _______________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.
_____________________ Signature (That means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (this action will void this application). If your application is rejected you will be notified by two angels wearing red suits and carrying pitch forks. (You might want to start praying now).
Life On The Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk
A day in the life at the etch-a-sketch help desk…
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo?
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
“Are you male or female?” Take this test and find out for sure.
Aside from getting sterilized, your birth control options are:
When parking your car in a public garage you:
You haven’t shaved in 4 days. The resulting stubble can be construed as:
At the doctor’s, a common request would be:
As a sporty person, you need athletic support with:
When you’re feeling insecure, what you say to your best friend is:
You’ve slept with several hundred people, one term used to describe you would be:
The age it hits home that junk food will devastate your body is:
When you hear the words “hand wash,” the first thing that comes to your mind is:
It’s the seventh game of the playoffs, bottom of the ninth, score tied. Bases are loaded with 2 outs. The man at bat has a .338 average against southpaws, and the pitcher is a lefty. Your mate turns to you and says “Do you want a back rub?” You are:
Your idea of basic pump is:
Multiple Org@sms are something you:
0-12 Congratulations, you are a male. This means you have a greater lean-muscle-to-fat ratio, earn most of the money, and a select few of your sex can look forward to being president someday.
13-24 Congratulations, you are a female. This means you will live longer, have your choice of wearing either pants or a skirt in polite company and a select few of your sex can look forward to being president someday.
Great Answer To A Dumb Question
Katie Couric, while interviewing a Marine sniper, asked:
“Do you feel anything when you shoot a terrorist?”
The Marine shrugged and replied, “A slight recoil.”
Stupid Questions Paramedics Have Heard
Q. Why did you bring the patient here?
A. I guess the sign out front that says “Emergency Department; Physician on duty” fooled me into thinking that this was a hospital that treated patients!
Q. Do you think the patient can be triaged to the lobby?
Q. How come the patient didn’t just call a cab or take the bus?
Q. What are the patients bowel sounds? (On a critical ‘auto vs. tree’ patient).
Q. Did you look for ID?
Q. What’s the patient’s name? What’s the patient’s name?!! (on a cardiac arrest victim).
Q. What are the vitals? (Different Nurse, same code).
Q. Can the patient sign the insurance and permission forms?
Q. (On the radio) Are you sure she’s in ventricular tachycardia? The complexes are rapid and wide not narrow, right?
Q. Can we clear? We don’t do this medical stuff. (Fire Captain).
Q. Is he dead? (Different Fire Captain, same department).
Q. Why can’t you hold over for a few hours this morning? (Management).
Q. Can you guys hear the siren when it’s on while you are in the cab of your ambulance?
Q. What’s a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff…in your new car.
Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
Q. What is the difference between ‘ooooooh’and ‘aaaaaaah’?
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
Q: What’s the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
Q: What’s the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
Disorder In The Court
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.
Q. What is your brother-in-law’s name?
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
Q. What is your name?
Q. Are you married?
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
Q. What happened then?
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there as a victim?
Q: . . . and what did he do then?
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
Q: Do you drink when you’re on duty?
Q: . . . any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
Q: Are you se xually active?
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it. You too were shot in the fracas?
The Internet Explained
by Dave Barry
An excerpt from the book “Dave Barry in Cyberspace”
Q: What, exactly, is the Internet?
Q: Who runs it?
Q: How can I get on the Internet?
Q: What are the benefits of these services?
Q: What if I die?
Q: Can’t I cancel my account?
Q: What if I have children?
Q: No, I mean: What if my children also use my Internet account?
Q: Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I’m connected to an on-line service?
Q: Like what?
Q: I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
Q: Sounds great! How does it work?
Q: What are their real identities?
Q: What do people talk about in chat areas?
LilBrisket: Hi everybody
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
UvulaBob: Hi everybody
Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
Lungftook: Well, gotta run
PolypMaster: Hi everybody
And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting hour, where the ideas flow fast and furious, and at any moment you could learn some fascinating nugget of global-network information, such as whether or not PolypMaster comes from Texas.
Q: Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the Internet?
Q: Like what?
Q: There’s a forum for Barry Manilow?
Q: What happens on these forums?
Q: Just like junior high school!
Q: Are there forums about sex?
Q: What do people talk about on those?
Q: No, really.
Q: It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.
Q: What is the “World Wide Web”?
Q: Wow! How can I get on the Web?
Q: What if I type one single character wrong?
Q: Does that mean that the World Wide Web is useless?
Q: For example?
Q: That is truly beautiful.
So come on! join me and millions of others on this exciting Cyber Frontier, with its limitless possibilities for the enhancement of knowledge and the betterment of the human race!
Wazootyman is waiting for you.
Are You Ready For College?
The quiz below will help you to determine if you are truly ready to attend college. Answer all questions below choosing one of the multiple choice answers for each question as your answer.
1) You have five minutes to get dressed before leaving for a hot date. You suddenly realize you don’t have any clean socks. You:
Scoring your test:
For each A – add 5 points.
Health Question & Answer Session
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
I Shouldn't Have Asked Questions & Answerers
Do you speak English?
Three to five times a week.
No, no…I mean male or female?
Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
But isn’t that hostile?
Horse style, doggy style, any style!
No, no! Deer run too fast…
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Question: How many testers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: None. Testers just noticed that the room was dark. Testers don’t fix the problems, they just find them.
Question: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Question: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the good tester, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
There was a software tester who had an exceptional gift for finding all bugs. After serving his company for many years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million-dollar application. They had tried everything and everyone else to find the bug but the failure happened again and again. In desperation, they called on the retired software tester who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The software tester reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the application. At the end of the day, he wrote exact steps how to reproduce the problem and stated, “This is where your problem is.” The bug was fixed. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the software tester for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The software tester responded briefly: One bug report $1. Knowing what to put in it, $49,999.
A developer/tester convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were a bunch of developer majors and a bunch of tester majors. Each of the developer majors had his/her train ticket. The group of testers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The developer majors started laughing and snickering. Then, one of the testers said, “here comes the conductor” and then all of the testers went into the bathroom. The developer majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and said “tickets please” and got tickets from all the developer majors. He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said “ticket please” and the testers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and then the testers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The developer majors felt really stupid. So, on the way back from the convention, the group of developer majors had one ticket for the group. They started snickering at the testers, for the whole group had no tickets amongst them. Then, the tester lookout said “Conductor coming!” All the testers went to one bathroom. All the developer majors went to another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the testers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said “ticket please.”
Caffeine Addict's Quiz
Do you want to know if you suffer from “Alertness Deficit Disorder” (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn’t scare you, let’s just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.
1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?
Economic Stimulus Q & A
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?
Medical Insurance Explained
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked
hard enough in the eye.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
Q My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
Q. What if I’m away from home and I get sick?
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
Q Will health care be different in the next decade?
To Your Good Health (because as you see, you’ll need it!)
Why Ask Why?
• Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
• Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
• If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
• If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
• If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
• You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
• You know that little indestructible “black box” that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
• Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Guide To Safe Fax
Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old to you think someone should be before they can fax?
Q. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I fax prematurely?
Q. I have a personal and business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
Questions And Answers From The AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 55 find younger, sexy partners who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in The Bible. Is that true?
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 55-plus year old husband?
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
Q: Why should 55-plus year old people use valet parking?
Q: Is it common for 55-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
Q: Where should 55-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
Q: What is the most common remark made by 55-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
SMILE, you’ve still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?
• Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
• Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it?
• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
• Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
• If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
• Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
• What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
• Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
• If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for???
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
• Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
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Food Spoilage Test
Whether you are a mom who cooks for many, a bachelor who cooks on rare occasions for himself, or a new college student who for the first time has his or her own refrigerator – you will eventually all open the fridge one day and say to yourself, “Can I eat this or will it kill me?
Well here are some guidelines to help you get through the crisis, so you will know what to eat and what to toss.
THE GAG TEST ———— Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS —- When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS ————— Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can’t get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you’ve never purchased that kind.
MAYONNAISE ———– If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS ————- Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled – (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES —————- This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
MEAT —- If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD —– Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR —– Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
LETTUCE ——- Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. (We didn’t think you needed guidance with this one)
CANNED GOODS ————– Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS ——- A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS ——– Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES ——– If it looks like it is ready for planting, toss it.
CHIP DIP ——– If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS —————– Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS: ————– You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: ———————– Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.
Relationship Q & A
- Answers written by kids-
Q. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
– Alan, age 10
Q. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Q. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
Q. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Q. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Q. WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
Q. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(2) The law says you have to be at least eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
(3) The rule goes like this…If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
Q. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(2) It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Q. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
Q. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
• Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
• Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
• Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
• Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
• Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
• Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
• You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! !
• Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
• Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
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Answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask…
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine.
The five questions are:
1 – “What are you thinking?”
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 – “What are you thinking?” The proper answer to this question, of course is, “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.” Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a – Football
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. “If I wanted you to know,” Al said, “I’d be talking instead of thinking.”
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 – “Do you love me?” The correct answer to this question is, “Yes.” For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, “Yes, dear.” Wrong answers include:
a – I suppose so.
3 – “Do I look fat?” The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, “No, of course not” and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a – I wouldn’t call you fat, but I wouldn’t call you thin either.
4 – “Do you think she’s prettier than me?” The “she” in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, “No, you are much prettier.” Wrong answers include:
a – Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
5 – “What would you do if I died?” Correct answer: “Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino’s Pizza truck that came my way.” This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
“Dear,” said the wife. “What would you do if I died?”
If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want?
If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it’s 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?
If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?
Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?
If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?
Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?
If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st – January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?
If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?
When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it?
When you see the weather report and it says “partly cloudy” and then the next day it says “partly sunny”; what’s the difference?
Can a person choke and die on a life saver?
Gas Station Employment Test
1) Customer-Oriented Marketing is looking at our job through the customer’s
2) A good opening to a customer who voices a complaint is,
3) Remember, arguing with the customer can only make a bad situation
4) Make positive contact with your customers by being friendly,
5) Using a customer’s name and saying ”Thank you” are examples of being
6) While working with your present customer,
7) Customers feel you are happy to have their business when you smile and say
8) Friendly service is giving the customer your full attention and making
9) One way to show customers full attention is to call them
10) Keep the station
11) Use the intercom for customer assistance and
12) A good opening to a complaining customer could be to tell them you are
13) Customers waiting for island service should be
14) What kind of service should customers get?
15) One way to give customers personal attention is to
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Read, Think, And Answer
You are driving down the road in your 2-seater sports car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
YOU WON’T BELIEVE THIS………………..
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: ‘I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.’
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
HOWEVER, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because the HMO’s won’t pay for her anyway; have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.