Friday Fun Stuff – 10-29-21

Monster High Vs. Cryptkeeper | Robot Chicken

Taking A Halloween Costume Too Far – Key & Peele

Halloween Quotations

“Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, ‘Never take candy from strangers.’ And then they dressed me up and said, ‘Go beg for it.’ I didn’t know what to do! I’d knock on people’s doors and go, ‘Trick or treat…No, thank you.’”
—Rita Rudner

“There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.”
—Jean Baudrillard

“On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.”
—Rodney Dangerfield

“I think if human beings had genuine courage, they’d wear their costumes every day of the year, not just on Halloween. Wouldn’t life be more interesting that way? And now that I think about it, why the heck don’t they? Who made the rule that everybody has to dress like sheep 364 days of the year? Think of all the people you’d meet if they were in costume every day. People would be so much easier to talk to—like talking to dogs. ”
―Douglas Coupland, “The Gum Thief”

“Dear Great Pumpkin, Halloween is now only a few days away. Children all over the world await you coming. When you rise out of the pumpkin patch that night, please remember I am your most loyal follower. Have a nice trip. Don’t forget to take out flight insurance.”
―Linus from Charles M. Schulz’s “The Complete Peanuts, Vol. 6: 1961-1962″

“Every day is Halloween, isn’t it? For some of us.”
—Tim Burton

“I’ll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.”

“Nothing on Earth so beautiful as the final haul on Halloween night.”
—Steve Almond

“I see my face in the mirror and go, ‘I’m a Halloween costume? That’s what they think of me?’ ”
—Drew Carey

What Halloween Means For Adults

Halloween is a great time of year. It’s the one day when you can really let go of your inhibitions and act like an ass. It’s like your birthday, except everybody’s doing it.

On Halloween we are allowed to “be someone else.” We get to role play. Your choice of Halloween costume says a lot about you.

Here is a chart that reveals your hidden desires:

Naughty Nurse………………………………………………To be a slut
Catholic School Girl………………………………………..To be a slut
Lion Tamer……………………………………………………To be a slut
Snow White…………………………………………………..Oh, totally to be a slut

Pimp…………………………………………………………..To have a 3-way with 2 lesbians
Football Player………………………………………………To have a 3-way with 2 lesbians
Albert Einstein……………………………………………….Oh, totally to have a 3-way with 2 lesbians
Member of the Village People…………………………….To have a 3-way with 2 dudes

You Know You Are Too Old To Trick Or Treat When:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your Balance and fall over.
6. People say: ‘Great Boris Karloff Mask,’ And you’re not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, ‘Trick or…’ And can’t remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
And the number one way to know your too old to go Trick or Treating…
1. You keep having to go home to pee.

Who Can Shut Up A Karen

The new HALLOWEEN movie is gonna be about Michael Myers being confused that no one is out on the streets to kill, and then meeting some angry blond lady yelling at him for wearing a mask.

More Things I Want Said At My Funeral

1. He has asked that his tombstone have the line, “The wireless service down here sucks,” added to it.
2. If you check under your seats, one of you will find an envelope with the name of his killer in it.
3. He had just surfaced new information for a book on the Kennedy assassination, and now he is dead. Make of that what you will.
4. The use of flash photography, holy water, and video footage has been expressly banned at the request of the deceased.
5. The deceased wanted me to say that you should all take out your phones and unfriend him on Facebook and stop following him on Twitter. He tweetith no more.
6. (Have the funeral director look at my body). Did anyone else see his arm move?
7. He has asked that his tombstone be inscribed with the words, “This is what happens when you finally win an argument with your wife.”
8. I would continue on with this eulogy, but he indicated that by now, most of you would be bored and wondering if there was an open bar afterwards, so let me wrap this up.
9. He has asked that the following be inscribed on his tombstone, “It is a lot darker and hotter down here than I expected.”
10. He would like to say that drinks afterwards are half-price for the ladies.
11. He asked that those of you who borrowed his tools over the years, please return them to his wife.
12. His last words were, “Hold my beer and watch this…”
13. I was just informed prior to this eulogy that it has already received at 97% on Rotten Tomatoes and is already up for a Golden Globe Award.
14. The music you hear playing in the background was chosen specifically by the deceased. His co-workers will recognize it as the waiting music for conference calls. It is his last bit of revenge for all of those times you showed up late for calls and he had to listen to this muzac.
15. He has asked that the following be carved on his grave marker: “A Life Well Lived – Unfortunately There Will Be No Sequel.”
16. The family wants you to know that he has asked to be buried wearing flame retardant underwear. Read into that whatever you will about his final resting place.
17. He asked that he be buried in a Starfleet uniform but, as you can clearly see, his wife got in the last word on that, though she has assured me it too will be burned in a separate ceremony later this afternoon at their house.
18. He has asked that on his grave marker, the words, “You’re standing on my crotch.”
19. Blaine wanted me to tell you all the following: This is merely the next phase of his evil plan unfolding exactly as he planned. You’ve been warned. Mwah hah ha ha.
20. I want the following songs played as background music, just to make everyone uncomfortable or make them smile:
Celebration – Kool and the Gang
Wake me up before you go-go – Wham
Stayin’ Alive – Bee Gees
Another one bites the dust – Queen
Highway to Hell – AC/DC
21. While you all may have a good time at this show, the deceased wants to remind you, “You may be next!”
22. I want one of my friends to lean over my open coffin and say, “Hey, he came in here with a watch!” Then look over the visitors with a slow accusatory glare.
23. Please have the entire back row of eulogy filled with people wearing clown costumes. Don’t say anything as to why they are there. I just want to freak people out.
24. A line of Irish folk dancers that appear (complete with Riverdance music) mid-eulogy and tap dance across the front of the room unannounced would confuse and daze those in attendance. Please arrange.
25. Put seven or eight shovels along the wall. If anyone asks, “Well, to save money, he asked for volunteers to dig his grave. Say, you look like you’re in good shape”

Know Your Customers

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people pass by, but they put money only into the hat of the guy behind the cross.

A priest who’d been watching the pair walked up to the beggar with the Star of David and said, “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a catholic country. People won’t give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside another beggar who has a cross. In fact, they’d probably give him more money just out of spite.”

The beggar thanked the priest and then turned to beggar with the cross and said, “Moshe—look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!”

Politically Correct Descriptions For Men

1. He does not have a BEER GUT – He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS – He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

Smart Dog

One day a dog was lost in the jungle, at some point he found some bones and was trying to chew them.

Behind him a leopard sees him and slowly approaches to rush him, the dog smells her and immediately without turning his head to look behind thinks out loud…

“Mmmm that leopard I killed was delicious “.

Without second thought the leopard turns back and runs away terrified.

On a tree there was a monkey which saw the whole scene, so she started jumping from tree to tree and goes straight to find the leopard, when she does she tells her what happened before, that is, the dog was lying, he was bluffing.

Immediately the leopard angry and hungry says the monkey to get on her back and together they run back again to find the dog, the leopard with the monkey on her back.

Just before they arrive, the dog smells them and, terrified, does not know what to do, so again, without looking back, he thinks out loud …

“But where is this monkey? It’s been an hour since I sent her to bring me another leopard”

Pregnancy Questions

1. Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

2. Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

3. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

4. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

5. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

6. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: Cause you’re fatter than they are.

7. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational
A: So what’s your question?

8. Q: What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him).

9. Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

10. Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

11. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

12. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

13. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy

14. Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

15. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

16. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

A Son’s Letter

A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad.” With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

“Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t, really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, John.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than bad report card that’s on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home”.

My HOA Said Only Appropriate Halloween Decorations Are Allowed
My HOA Said Only Appropriate Holloween Decorations Are Allowed
The Perfect Halloween Candy
The Perfict Holloween Candy
Damn Mummies Stealing Everything
Damn Mummies Stealing Everything
Look Out For Halloween Dad Jokes
Look Out For Holloween Dad Jokes
This Might Be The Best Freddy Costume Of All Time
This Might Be The Best Freddy Costume Of All Time
My Daughter Said She Wanted To Be A Transformer For Halloween
My Daughter Wanted To Be A Transformer For Halloween
And It Really Doesn’t Make Seance When He Has Pants On
And It Really Doesn't Make Sence When He Has Pants On
Just A Damn Sheet Show
Just A Damn Sheet Show
This Is How You Know Sexy Costumes Have Gone Too Far
This Is How You Know Sexy Costumes Have Gone Too Far
For Some Reason Delicious Cocktail Finger Pies, Albeit With Crunchy Almond Fingernails, We’re Left Untouched, Even At The Halloween Party
For Some Reason Delicious Cocktail Finger Pies, Albeit With Crunchy Almond Fingernails, We're Left Untouched, Even At The Halloween Party

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