Monty Python – The Upper-Class Twit Of The Year
The Wit And Wisdom of Homer Simpson
Who doesn’t love and admire Homer Simpson? While this lovable oaf has entertained us for more than a decade, we often overlook the profound and entertaining insights he imparts. Here are some of his more memorable gems.
· Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.
· American donuts. Glazed, powdered and raspberry-filled. Now how’s that for freedom of choice?
· Canada? Why would I want to leave America just to visit America, Jr.?
· I never apologize, I’m sorry but that’s the way I am.
· I’d love to go to church, honey, but I’ve got a lot of work to do around the bed.
· I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
· Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?
· Go ahead and play the blues if it’ll make you happy.
· Pork chops and bacon, my two favorite animals.
· But Dad, you’re a very old man, and old people are useless.
· He’s trying to hypnotize me, and it’s not in that good Las Vegas kind of way.
· What’s the point of having children if you can’t buy their love?
· It’s like the story of David and Goliath, except this time David won.
· Marge, this ticket doesn’t just give me a seat. It also gives me the right, no, the duty, to make a complete ass of myself.
· I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
· That horse had better win, or else we’re taking a trip to the glue factory. And he won’t get to come.
· Internet. They have that on computers now?
· It takes two to lie Marge. One to lie and one to listen.
· You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel.
· Assaulting your family is one thing, but I will not stand idly by while you feed a hungry dog.
· Just sit through this NRA meeting Marge, and if you still don’t think guns are great then we’ll argue some more.
Police Stop at 2:00 A.M.
Ron Chestna was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer asked, “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?”
Ron replied, “That would be my wife.”
1. THE PRINTER SHREDDER: This simple device can be added on to any printer, and will shred any document that comes out of it.
2. FAKE MOUSE: a fake mouse runs in a wheel that is connected to your computer. As the mouse spins slower/faster, your screen will become darker/lighter “yeah. I just installed it. It really saves on power costs.”
3. AUTO BAD SPELLER: This program can take any document, randomly choose correctly spelled world and then spell them incorrectly.
4. TALKING COMPUTER: This simple program, when put on someone’s computer, whispers “psst! Hey Bob!” at random intervals.
5. SMOKER: This simple add on makes a monitor smoke. The amount of smoke will increase with the length of time the computer is used.
6. RANDOM ERROR: When installed, this will generate insensible error messages extremely often, no matter what the user is doing at the time.
7. TRACER: This program will generate messages such as “you have been traced trying to hack into the Pentagon’s secret files. The SWAT team has been dispatched and will arrive shortly. They have been advised to shoot to kill.” while the person is working on the internet.
8.) COPUTER BOMB: Fake computer bomb. When the victim turns his computer on, his screen will be filled with the message: “WARNING computer bomb has been detected in system. It will be activated in ten seconds. Please enter deactivation code.” After ten seconds the computer will turn itself off and refuse to come on again until the next day.
9. CD LASER: This is just like an ordinary CD-ROM except in one respect. Its laser is higher powered, so when the computer reads the CD it erases all the information from it.
10. WINDOWS VISTA: This is the most evil one yet. It has random and insensible error messages, it has no storage system, it is impossible to understand, and is generally a complete disaster. In short, it is no different from the real thing.
Dear Mom and Dad,
Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is OK. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?
The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders.
It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He lets us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake.
It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
By the way, what is a pedophile?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy Vaseline. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk, and go to heaven.
You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It also helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
Always Wear Underwear
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car breakdown in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead
Signs Your Doctor Is Too Old
· He brags about having delivered Strom Thurmond.
· He leaves three times in the middle of surgery to pee.
· He’s always yelling at kids running across his waiting room.
· Instead of hooking you up to an EKG, he accidentally wires you up to a TV set showing “Murder She Wrote.”
· He tells you about the latest in anesthesia… and then hands you a bullet to bite on.
· He worked at Mt. Sinai… unfortunately it was with Moses.
· Says he’s skeptical about this new penicillin drug.
· Says the tonsils will have to come out. The only problem is… he’s giving you a rectal exam.
· After installing a pacemaker, he says a second heart operation will be needed to retrieve his missing teeth.
· After discovering he’s out of colostomy bags, he says, “Here, use mine.”
· When he pulls out thermometer and says “102″… he’s talking about his age.
· You see him tapping that Knee Hammer on a 5 iron.
· Says he served as a medic during the war… the Civil War.
· He was Eve’s gynecologist.
· Hanging on his wall is a copy of the Hippocratic Oath… signed by Hippocrates.
The Drunken Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door from the monsignor:
1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body”, he did not say, “Eat me.”
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, “Mary with the Cherry”.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God”.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
Words Women Use
FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use fine to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so its an even trade.
NOTHING: This means something, and you should be on your toes. Nothing is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. Nothing usually signifies an argument that will last Five Minutes and end with Fine.
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over Nothing and will end with the word Fine.
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means I give up or do what you want because I don’t care. You will get a Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing and Fine and she will talk to you in about Five Minutes when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A Loud Sigh means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over Nothing.
SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. Soft Sighs mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT’S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. That’s Okay means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. That’s Okay is often used with the word Fine and in conjunction with a Raised Eyebrow.
GO AHEAD: At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a That’s Okay.
THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you’re welcome.
THANKS A LOT: This is much different from Thanks. A woman will say, Thanks A Lot when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the Loud Sigh. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh, as she will only tell you Nothing.
Johnny Learns Politics
Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?” Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you The People. The nanny, will, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we’ll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense.”
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand what politics is now.”
“Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”