Friday Fun Stuff – 1-3-25

Johnny LaRue For City Council – SCTV

Wonder Woman Fights With the Justice League – Studio C

Automobile Acronyms

AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brake My Window
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long
Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!

FORD
(backwards) – Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron’s DNA
First on Rubbish Dump

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Garage Man’s Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
Had One Never Did Again

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing’s Driveable And Inexpensive…

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly
Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick’s Irregular
Leftover Equipment

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

European Economics Explained

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town.

When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard said; “You see that bridge over there?
The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built”.

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor’s house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvelous.

When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; “You see that bridge over there?”
The Spaniard replied; “No.”

I Don’t Care About You Quotes

1. “I only want one thing of men, and that is, that they should leave me alone.” — D. H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover
2. “The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I only asked for pizza.”
3. “Are you free tomorrow? No, I’m expensive.”
4. “There’s no ‘we’ in fries.”
5. “This is my cup of care. Oh look, it’s empty.”
6. “I don’t care what you think about me; I don’t think about you at all!” — Coco Chanel
7. “Before coffee: I hate everybody. After coffee: I feel good about hating everybody.”
8. “If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote.”
9. “Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” — Phyllis Diller
10. “An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.”
11. “You don’t deserve my tears. I guess that’s why they ain’t there.” — Beyoncé
12. “You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” — Winston S. Churchill
13. “You were my cup of tea but I drink champagne now.”
14. “I am thankful for all of those who said no to me. It’s because of them I’m doing it myself.” — Albert Einstein
15. “I am the greatest, I said that even before I knew I was.” — Muhammad Ali
16. “Be savage, not average.”
17. “I’m not mean, I’m brutally honest. It’s not my fault truth hurts. Here’s a band-aid.”
18. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” — Oscar Wilde
19. “If you treat me like an option, I’ll leave you like a choice.”
20. “People talk about me behind my back and I just sit here like ‘D**n. I got myself a fan club.’”
21. “Cancel my subscription because I am done with your issues.”
22. “Please don’t ever think that I need you in my life … cause at one point we didn’t know each other and I was doing just fine.”
23. “You don’t like me? That’s a shame. I’ll need a few minutes to recover from the tragedy.”
24. “Chin up princess or the crown slips.”
25. “If I cut you off, chances are, you handed me the scissors.”

High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boy s up one by one, holding on to their ‘wee-wees’ to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, ‘You must be in the 5th grade.’

‘No, ma’am’, he replied. ‘I’m riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.’

Signs That You Drink Too Much…

• You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
• You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
• Job interfering with your drinking.
• Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
• Career won’t progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
• The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
• Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
• 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence?? – I think not!
• Two hands and just one mouth…now THAT’S a drinking problem!
• You can focus better with one eye closed.
• The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
• Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
• Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
• Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
• At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
• Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
• You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. – hmmm.
• The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…

She Was Pretty Cross

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a gunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

“Hey, show us ver teets, ya bloody penguins!” Shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off ya fookin’ Little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?

Stupid Headlines

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Deer Kill 17,000
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

What Did You Think They Were?

S _ X
F _ _ K
P _ N _ S
P U _ S _
BOO _ S
_ _ NDOM

Answers:
SIX, FORK, PANTS, PULSE, BOOKS, RANDOM

Words to the Wise

• My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
• Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
• If you look like your passport picture you probably need the trip.
• Always yield to temptation because it may not pass your way again.
• Eat Well . . . Stay Fit . . . Die Anyway.
• No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
• Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of waist change places.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.
• Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Why the Width of a Horse’s Behind is So Important

Here is a look into the corporate mind that is very interesting, educational, historical, completely true, and hysterical all at the same time:

The US standard railroad gauge (width between the two rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that’s the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.

Why did “they” use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots first formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse’s ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Thus, we have the answer to the original question.

Now the twist to the story . . .

There’s an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses’ behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses’ behinds. So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass!

It’s January Dumb Ass!!!